Dear valued citizens of the Guyanese Diaspora. On behalf of the Ministry of Dubiously Tabulated Tourist Arrivals, we wish to welcome you home and to say, a very Merry Guyanese Xmas!
I know some of you must be really tired and irritable. After all spending five hours on the tarmac at JFK waiting to depart (true story) can get you pissed off.
Many of you who were preparing to join us this holiday season may have read in the subversive press that our President had gloomily announced a few weeks ago that there would likely be “a series of blackouts for the Xmas season”. We want to assure you that he actually said the country “could expect some serious black cake for the Xmas season”. Big difference. However the subversive elements in society – read Stabroek News, actually do not read them – misquoted him on purpose.
We can assure you that there will be absolutely no blackouts here during the Xmas season. Instead there will be several “transmission interruptions for the purpose of routine maintenance”. Big difference. These will be due to teething problems caused by the last minute purchase of US$3.8B worth of generation sets. If buying five gen sets, apparently without a tender process, does not show how flush this government is, then what does?
You may also notice during your shopping here that there is a new Value Added Tax (known as VAT) added to your purchases of some of the most basic items. This rate of 16% is one of the highest ever set, upon the implementation of a value added system anywhere in the world, and we are sure you as Guyanese are proud of this achievement. Be assured that the people living here are, even if they use an expletive before the word VAT. It’s simply a term of endearment.
You may also notice another major improvement, or as one visitor described them “a sign of civilization” – that’s right, traffic lights. Now we know you are very used to them where you come from, but keep in mind our lights are unique. Nowhere on the planet is a driver forced to wait 86 seconds of red light in order to be given 30 seconds of green.
Pedestrians please be advised that walking across the street when the “red man” is on is illegal and will get you locked up and a fine of $25,000. This is not illegal where you come from but then again here it is a little more civilized and the police have nothing better to do.
And should you dare to drive don’t be caught speeding as you might end up going to court and being locked up with criminals ‘in the hole’ while the bail clerk takes her lunch (True story).
This is all part of the “zero tolerance/citizens as criminals” campaign that we pinched from former NY top cop Bernie Kerik, recently indicted on federal charges of tax evasion, ethics violations and fraud. … that’s who we get our law enforcement advice from.
It’s about getting the little things right. (That aside, urinating on anything remotely vertical is still an inalienable Guyanese male right)
The little things for the little people. That’s why some of you need not worry if you kill a man with an SUV or hit a man in the head with a gun. You will not spend one minute in jail.
Other impressive developments since you were last here include the Guyana National Stadium, which took three years to build and has been used for precisely five days at a cost of US$20M. It now stands as a proud monument to the flawed principles of Keynesian economics -that the government by injecting huge sums of borrowed money into an economy can stimulate
