Dear Editor,
I read Mr Fenty’s column of Friday, December 28, which mentioned the Nativity and Solomon’s ‘metaphorical’ Songs. I concluded some time ago that the Old Testament was the Jewish bible, while the New Testament was the version from the Christian point of view. But no matter. I found the Solomon quotation intriguing and remembered the amusing version, in the dialect of the East End of London, read on radio late last year. I found it on the internet and would like to share this with Mr Fenty. It is titled Chav Nativity.
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?). She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like ‘Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!’
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself. Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an’ that. She’s like ‘Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the social an’ that.’ Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right’
Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponce a donkey, an’ go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an’ that. But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Caahs an’ sheep an’ that. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their ‘eads. They’re like ‘Respect, bay-bee Jesus,’ an’ say they’re wise men from the East End. Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?’ It’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this Lord geezer. He’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they’re killin’ all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.’ Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ dahn Egypt on a minging donkey.’ Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay.’
So they go dahn Egypt till they’ve stopped killin’ the first-born an’ it’s safe an’ that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.
The Season’s Greetings
Yours faithfully,
Geralda Dennison
