By Pastor Stanton Adams
If you have just become a father, congratulations. If you are already a father and have been performing your role, commendations. But who is a father? What is his role in the family particularly in the lives of his children and society?
In the past, psychologists studying the development of children focused almost exclusively on children’s relationship with their mothers. Today, they have come to agree that fathers play a unique and crucial role in nurturing and guiding children’s development. Many experts now believe that fathers can be just as nurturing and sensitive with their babies as mothers. As their children grow, fathers take on added roles of guiding their children’s intellectual and social development.
Social scientists often emphasize the role of fathers in the family system, and how their actions affect the entire environment and context in which a child grows. One of the most important ways in which a father influences that environment is in his interaction with the mother.
This is because the relationships that children observe and experience at an early age influence their own relationships later in life. It is also because family relationships are interrelated – the way that mothers and fathers interact affects the mother-child relationship as well as the father-child relationship. Because of this interrelatedness, parents who have a strong and happy relationship have a head start in being good parents.
It is rather unfortunate that many children do not live with their fathers. Statistics about children who do not live with their fathers can be grim. On almost every outcome that has been tested, including educational achievement, self-esteem, responsible social behaviour and adjustments as adults; children do better when they live with both of their parents.
Non-resident fathers can face special challenges in contributing positively to their children’s development, since they are less available to nurture, guide and provide for their children. Fathers who were never married are even less likely than divorced fathers to keep in contact with their children. Moreover, the large geographical distances that exist between some children and their fathers make close relationships difficult to maintain.
Despite these disadvantages, non-resident fathers can still make a difference for their children.
The most obvious route of influence is by providing adequate financial support. Studies show children whose fathers pay child support do better in school and have fewer behavioural problems. Children who feel close to their non-resident fathers also tend to do better. And, when non-resident fathers are able to use their time with their children wisely by helping with homework, playing, setting and enforcing rules, and supervising their children, children can benefit a great deal.
Fathers must connect with their children, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Dr Ken Canfield, President of the National Center on Fathering, reported that in his research he has found that too many fathers have abandoned their children and this abandonment is not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual. When fathers fail to connect with children in the aforementioned ways, they become vulnerable. If the father’s role is inactive in the life of the child, he or she tends to sense gender ambiguity and confusion.
Those children whose fathers are active and connected with them tend to grow into adolescents and adults who have the capacity to translate great plans into appropriate action. These fathers also affect the self-concept of their children. They believe they are important because their fathers told them they were important.
On the downside, Dr. Canfield reported extensive investigations of prison populations. He found that 38% of prisoners had a father, grandfather, uncle, or cousin who had also been in prison. Eighty-percent of the prisoners studied had felt impacted by the fact that they did not have a father figure in their lives. Such statistics confirm the fact that the loss of a positive father figure in the life of a child is a major loss. The task of parenting is made so much easier and more delightful when the father is a strong dynamic figure in the everyday life of the children.
Society will be better, our children will be successful if fathers lead, protect, teach, befriend and discipline their children, not in harsh punitive ways, but in loving and redemptive ways.
When fathers enter more fully into the feelings of their children and draw out what is in their hearts, they will be able to draw the family together.
Today is Fathers Day again and many of us will be showered with presents, gifts and commendations. In all of this, let us resolve to be fathers with a purpose. Fathers do not discourage your children.
Combine affection with authority, kindness and sympathy with firm restraint. Give some of your leisure hours to your children; become acquainted with them; associate with them in the work and in their sports, and win their confidence. Cultivate friendship with them, especially with your sons. In this way, you will be a strong influence for good.
