By Carifesta Rebel
Welcome, welcome, one and all. I’m Booby V (that’s boob + y as deliberately stated in the programme) and this is the awards ceremony of the rice arts festiflat. We now present to those involved these awards:
The Best (no really)
Hair Award
A hard choice my friends and the styles were varied. Shiner by Slim J, Caterpillar by Coif Boy, Frazzled by Palo-mona-lisa-the-less. And the award goes to… Jumbie by CheapMane Blackman.
Rebel Report: She plucked it off the scalp of Mulcan the Kanaima and made us involuntarily squeak in our pants folks coupled with the shrill screeching. This is the stuff of nightmares…
Ok, three cheers as she receives her award… everyone? anyone? Where did ever-r-r-r…haaaalp
Most Amazing Feat and Most Beautiful Couple Awards
Brass ‘two tons’ actually fitting in a seemingly normal chair. And once again, Brass2 and the first Blonde Noel. Awwww, ain’t they cuuuuute…
Rebel Report: The specially-made chair was super strong and held up by a three-piece suit specially made for ‘de big man’. Question: are they fashion-godmother and fashionista god-daughter, Goldilocks and Brigitta the milk-maid perhaps? No-water-in-the-well following in the footsteps (or is it the other way around) of Jenny of the West Beetle (more like Prado). What’s with the damn blonde colour of the hair? Watch it CheapMane yuh gat comp… but they got a long way to catch up.
And receiving the award…no, no, no don’t sit, don’t sit, my foot’s under that… yeeeeeeeeeeeooooouuuccch.
CN ‘Me nah git no
respeck’ Award
After blowing-up on your minions (who says she’s easy to work with) Palo-mona-lisa-the-less wins hands down….ok, ok, ok…stay at least ten feet away now.
Rebel Report: amm…ahh…amm (breathes deeply)…amm…does she have to watch me like that?
Sorry, the award is still being designed, come back later.
Most heart-rending
story Award (sob)
So after all that recruiting (full colour, independent, pots of gold blab blab blab) Kneel and pray for a job fallen-no-star Marks the spot was booted from the Beaker of Coloured Truth… and why?
Rebel Report: He saw a light that wasn’t red, black and yellow and now folks, he has to learn to paint the truth and wear coloured glasses…ha ha ha…like a fish in a red, black and yellow bowl…irie…sorry…sniffles…
Oh, c’mon, c’mon, stop it, stop it…here take this towel and dry yourself.
Most Creative Award
Yea, you, yea is you…you is na de one who pick up the piece of driftwood by the riverside, varnish it and sellin it for 10K …now no one don’t thief dat idea from we now…
Rebel Report: Next time, just pick up a dead fish and call it George.
Here, take this roll of toilet paper for being innovative
Best Unseen Act Award
No it was not Rice ‘paddy my resume’, it was not the Cubans, Austrians, Swiss, Colombians etc etc, it was the Tacuma worms. Word is they in Cuba… a tendril of Hurricane Gustav picked them up and deposited them there (new excuse: courtesy of Worm Hunting Secretariat).
Rebel Report: Whatever
Other awards to be announced in 2072.
Blatant Promotion of an as yet unheard ‘hit’ album
Made exclusively available to Rebel: A single from Coif Boy’s soon to be released ‘Mohawk’ CD.
(Sung to the tune of Rock-a-bye Baby)
Rock-a-bye Corbie,
On the palm tree top,
If the Tacuma worms don’t fell you
Your idle words will,
Your ‘unmanageable’ threat,
Showed that you’re full of hot air
And down your ratings go-into free fall.
And another single on ‘Mohawk’ by guest artiste Agri-Man: “Take a Cow”
(Sung to the tune of Take a Bow)
Oooh, how bout a butternut squash,
Yea, non-existent exports,
Yea yea yea, yea yea
You look fishy right now,
Standing in my spotlight
Where you don’t belong,
I’m gonna feed you cow-pats,
After this is done,
And don’t milk the cow, cause I’ve already did.
Coif boy, I’m a rub you in s#@t.
Cause you put on quite a fiasco,
With Palo-mona-lisa, look the lass go,
But now it’s time to grow more,
Sheep and pig finally breedin’,
It was quite a season,
With lots of mating,
And it’s starting again,
So, Coif Boy go on and take a cow.
Letter to the Editor
Dear Editor,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to bring joy to the citizens of this dear land of rusty water in the pipes or none at all. My word, it was quite a journey…for the Tacuma worms. Now, that you’re back to normal affairs, could you send a reporter to my hotel to write a story about the amm…latrine.
I must say that it is nice to see that the country is taking climate change seriously. I had to explain this to my Trini friends, after one of them got mugged in a little forest (big bush) in the city. I see that the city is once again going Green (and the plastic bags, bottles, Chiney food boxes, roadkill continue to litter the roads…wrong meaning I think…green not Green)…and doing their part for global warming.
I’ll leave now…oops Zoom is no longer working, could this be a ploy to keep me here? No please, CheapMane and PM(S)L-the-less are hunting me… Maybe, I’ll stay for Brazilian… sorry…Amerindian ‘copying the grass skirts of Hawaii…it was laps people’ Heritage Month and get to see the Tacuma worms.
Signed: Carifesta Rebel.
