Ok, all you people behaving badly stop! Stoooooooooppppppp! Right now….Stop! We said stop! Hey you, chopping your wife! Stop!

You! robbing that gas station! Stop! Now listen up. After years of campaigns, police crackdowns, endless roadblocks, and domestic violence workshops, it seems clear that you – and you know who you are – will keep on stabbing, shooting, buggering, stealing, strangling, chopping…whatever….and there is not one darn thing the rest of us – the law abiding minority – in this country can do about it.

Fine. Granted we concede your urgent need to steal $70,000 worth of bras and panties, or that the Don Juan bartender must joyride someone else’s car, even that the jewellery thief feels the desire to take pictures of his private parts.

But could we at least have some freaking order around here?

Every morning we wake up to a mishmash of random killings, carjackings and choppings at barbeques. It’s getting so disorderly and at the same time so predictable that we don’t even read past the headlines. And quite frankly we are getting numb to any event which does not involve the deaths of at least eight people.

Here’s our plan. Let’s set aside one week of the month for all this nonsense and then we can spend the other three weeks reading about the handing over of piglets to Robert Persaud; letters arguing over the existence of God as if this was a brand new debate; and the deliberate erosion of civil liberties via legislation that puts even more power in the hands of a government with a penchant for personal politics.

Hear ye Hear ye! All you social deviants, not yet involved in politics, pay attention: based on real incidents over the past month (September 26 to October 27) here is your new crime schedule:

Manic Mondays will be reserved for murder/suicides…Brazilian miners welcome, please be advised that lingering in hospital full of Gramoxone and regret will not be tolerated. Just die. This can include attempted murder/suicides of which there was one. How inept do you have to be to fail at both of these?

Mondays will also be dedicated to gas station robberies…(Amin’s, one on Mandela Avenue and Esso last month)…In the interest of saving gas, bandits can also set aside Monday for Chinese restaurants, internet cafés and airline office robberies, as well as post bank visits/delivery driver stick ups, beauty salons. All random violence allowed: choppings by fishermen, bus drivers, a stabbing in land argument, mutual assaults in Kitty, carpenter hit in head who may lose an eye, water plant axe brawls, triple shooting at Wales fete, hot oil attacks (so mediaeval), random bloody fracases, chopped for rebuking son-in-law, abductions of ex-girlfriends, gang beating at Matthew’s Ridge and plain old being chopped in your backyard. Knife-point robberies by ice-pick wielding teens, gold chain snatchings optional.

Vehicular Tuesdays. Whatever takes your fancy as long as it moves: Father of one killed in accident; woman dies in accident; reporter killed in speeding minibus; hit and runs, be they at Eccles (fatal), Triumph, Better Hope, Foulis (fatal), Friendship (fatal) Cornelia Ida, Garden of Eden (fatal), boy knocked into trench by biker, and one multiple hit and run where the victim got run over twice and both cars failed to stop. Now that’s bad luck. Non-fatal taxi driver robberies too numerous to mention and minibus hold ups at Bagotstown, Linden-Soesdyke Highway.  “Tipsy cop hijacked car, ran off road”. Frenetic goat chase.

Home invasions Wednesdays: Bandits storming countryside grocery stores (non fatal) especially in Berbice, Tuschen, Bachelor’s Adventure, Rosehall and locations too numerous to mention.

And all attacks on suburban families, Campbellville, Kitty and surrounding areas not including central Georgetown but extending to East Coast, East Bank couple robbed and terrorized including those where a guard loses his teeth.

All drug-related crimes: cocaine trafficking, domestic and international, involving naturalized US, UK citizens, cookbooks; pseudo-respectable money laundering NY bankers; all burglars who are caught and soundly thrashed: “They beat me bad, bad!”; would-be teen thieves given sound beating; “Oh God, I guilty, I guilty, I is a shoplifter”; carpet thief; carnal knowledge matters, rapes resulting in suicide of the victim; miscellaneous buggeries.

Thursday: This day is set aside solely for the latest adventures of Magistrate Gordon Gilhuys.

All Politics Friday: Exploding presidents/Mandela landfill eruptions (much the same thing); dinosaurs wanting to build a monument to an event that happened eons ago; disputes over the state of the tourism sector; union officials getting all paranoid; any Region Four RDC squabble involving Kwame McCoy.

Dead body Saturdays: old bag lady/Uitvlugt man found with head wounds, random body found in trench; prisoner found dead in cell; escaping prisoners shot hightailing it (you can’t blame them).

Sunday’s for Murders. That’s right if you want to knife your wife in Goed Fortuin; hatchet her over a text message; slit a taxi driver’s throat; bludgeon a Montrose vendor over a phone; kill a Canal granny in the course of a robbery, or another victim in Number 76 village Corentyne; murder a young girl for her car, whatever…save it for the weekend.

Now all of you anti-social misfits, please commit your crimes on the right day. For the rest of us we’ll just try to avoid getting in the way of your psychotic behaviour.