Women and abusive relationships

This week we asked the man/woman in the street why they thought women stayed in abusive relationships and what more could be done to help them.

Cynthia Nicholas, self-employed – ‘Sometimes these women who are in abusive relationships have jobs and can maintain themselves, but they choose to stay because of love. Many of these women who choose to stay in abusive relationships often have nowhere else to go. While they may be getting a salary it may not be enough to fully provide for them and in most cases their children. I also think that many of these women don’t want their children to be fatherless and they also think about what people will say if they leave their spouse. I don’t think there is much such women can do to prevent their relationships from getting to that bad point. I think what happens is after a woman has spent a period of time in an abusive relationship she begins to feel helpless. Women are emotional creatures and because of this we are more vulnerable. I think that the only way to help these women is by educating men and encouraging couple counselling.  Education is the way out of this ignorance.’

Rohanie Totram, self-employed – ‘I think women in abusive relationships stay in them because of their children. They tend to look at the children more than themselves and the end result is often horrible. Another leading reason for women remaining in these situations is because they have nowhere else to live if they leave their spouse. Often, these victims have no education and therefore they have little skills with which to get a proper job that pays well enough to maintain them and their children. However, I think that once that woman thinks she can manage an iota of independence then she should leave that relationship. With regard to verbal abuse I think women should learn how to block it out and not think about it. The only way I can think of to help such women is by offering any help that we as individuals can. By letting these women know that they have support it will make it easier for them to get out of the relationship.’

Dharrel Meredith, private sector employee – ‘Basically, how I see it all the blame cannot be placed on the woman for not being able to get out of an abusive relationship. Often there are other external forces to that relationship pressuring that woman to remain there and suffer. Parents might be telling that woman that she has to stay with that man. So just to please their parents these women stay in abusive relationships and they suffer alone. As an individual I’d like to help if I could, but I tried recently and proved disastrous. I saw this girl’s brother beating her the other day and I attempted to assist her and her family attempted to beat me. In that case what was happening is the family was refusing to let anyone intervene and they were encouraging the physical abuse in that case. I’m not sure what more we can do to help such women. I think these men are ignorant and they need to be taught a lesson. Women should report them to the police and have them spend some time in jail. That may very well beat the ignorance out of those men. But there’s a drawback there. It can backfire because there is a chance that the men will get worse after they get out.’

Cecilene Williams, public sector employee – ‘I’ve never been in an abusive relationship so it will be hard for me to really imagine exactly what those women go through. But I think women stay in abusive relationships because they are not independent and they do not try to be. I don’t think that things like this should be happening in this day and age; I mean if it’s abusive then get out. Because I’m an outsider I think I may assume it’s that easy to get out, but it’s all about choices and these women need to be strong and make the choices that are right for them. These women should realize that not having education is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. Even if they have to work as a maid then at least they will be able to start from somewhere. They might think that the profession and others like it is defiling, but it’s not. It’s hard, honest work and it will give then some independence to begin with. I think that these women should be made aware that they have choices.’

M. Alli, University of Guyana student – ‘One of the major reasons women stay in abusive relationships is because they’ve isolated themselves. Their husbands or spouses are their only companion in the world they have restricted themselves to. They need that companionship because they feel that is all they have and so they stay in that abusive relationship for that companionship. Further, these women have some main reason why they hold on to the relationship; perhaps there is a third party that depends upon or whose approval depends upon that relationship continuing, like children or parents. Now as we move to the point of how we help them that’ll depend on what scale we’re going to offer that help. Individually helping each woman would be the best way, but this method is more difficult. After all it should be realized that every woman will have a completely different problem which will need varying types and degrees of attention. I think that many people and organisations are trying to help such women.’

Joy Stephen, housewife – ‘I think that women are afraid to leave abusive relationships. They are afraid of what the man will do if they leave. I think that men that become abusers come from a similar background. Their attitude and the way they treat their women depend a lot on their childhood and the morals and values they were taught during it. I’ve noticed that when a woman is physically abused everyone looks at what the man did but no one looks at why the man might have done what he did. The reasons these men abuse their women need to be examined and then based on the findings of that examination the men need to be counselled. I think that these men in most cases are provoked into behaving in an abusive manner and they need to be taught that there are other ways of dealing with situations.’

Collis Greaves, trainee technician – ‘Because a woman is not financially stable she may think that her only option is to stay in an abusive relationship. That woman probably has little or no education and therefore thinks she has no way of being independent so she then becomes helpless. Men who are abusive are ignorant fools. They don’t know how to communicate and get across what they want to say. So physically abusing a woman becomes their way of lashing out. I mean how dumb is that? If that man was smart enough he would realize he was hurting that woman and seek some psychological help. Such men should learn to see women through the eyes of their mothers and sisters and then I think they will think twice before hurting a woman. The problem needs to be tackled from the root and since men are the root of the problem they need to be dealt with and given professional help for their mental disability.’

Mark Saunders, office assistant – ‘Help and Shelter provides help for such women and I believe there is even a hotline people can call if they know anyone who is being abused. However, these services often do not function as they should and the available facilities are overflowing. I think that lack of these facilities contribute to an abused woman’s sense of helplessness. In my opinion half of the women being abused are educated women with university degrees. They keep quiet about their sufferings and endure it because they are embarrassed to say what is happening to them. Because they are educated there is a perception that those things shouldn’t happen to them. Men should shoulder the blame. They need counselling; giving men psychological help is the only way to help such women.’

Kishan Singh, public sector employee/student – ‘Women stay in abusive relationships for emotional support. Most of them are uneducated and therefore can’t get proper jobs to support themselves and their children if they have any, so they are stuck with the abusive man. Many of these women also stay because they tell themselves that they are in love. They create that emotional attachment there which ties them to that relationship. I don’t think there is anything else out there we can do to help these women. They are so many options open to them out there. All I can suggest is that these women are encouraged to use the many services created to help them.’

T. Anthony, self-employed – ‘Women stay in abusive relationships because of circumstances. They may not be able to support themselves or not want to separate their children from their father. There are many well educated women who are being abused. Abuse has nothing to do with age or education. It’s hard to give these women advice because they just don’t listen. Many of them are in denial. People are reluctant to offer their help because there is that fear of being abused yourself. Because you try to help the woman and the man gets wind of it then he’ll start to create trouble for you. I honestly don’t know what else can be done to help these women.’