When you’re late for work 6 days every week it’s more than likely that you’ll miss a few flights in your lifetime or at the very least annoy otherwise very nice airport staff.

But I’ll tell you something: I suffered through two flights recently that I’d have been better off missing. The fact that I showed up 15 minutes before the flight left should’ve been a sure sign that I wasn’t meant to be on it.

So I finally board after they’ve probably announced my name more than 10 times. Of course I don’t have to tell you that everyone gave me some not-so-welcoming looks as I tumbled to my seat. I’m usually a graceful person but everything was just off that morning.

Well, guess what? I got a window seat which I didn’t really mind, but the fat woman and the pregnant one next to her refused to move so I could get in. She (the pregnant one) asks me to “squeeze in.” I mean is the woman mad? Couldn’t she see my sizable rear end and my powerful thighs! There wasn’t enough space there for me!

After three minutes or so, two – yes, two and not one – flight attendants made their way over to see what was going on. Would you believe, when I explained to them that the women were the problem they looked at me as if that could never be the truth.

Just half an hour into the flight the pregnant woman decided she was going to have pains. During one of her spasms or whatever she was suffering, she decided to grab my hand. God, I’m not sure what our Guyanese men feed their women but heck did that woman have a grip. She must be well fed on cassava and eddoes. I guess there was some magic in that touch because I suddenly became her friend.

Well it’s when we got to the other airport to get our connection that the fun really started. This time we were all late for that flight (ha!). I was a little annoyed at having to take my shoes off at the scanner but then after I got patted down by a female immigration officer even though I passed through the scanner silently I was really beginning to get miffed.

So I know the woman had to run her hands between and on the undersides of mammary glands to check if I’m carrying anything I shouldn’t. I let people do their jobs but when she held both my womanly assets and squeezed them I was really beginning to wonder if maybe I’d had too much coffee or she really was convinced that I fitted the profile of some not so nice character.

You think that’s the laugh? Oh please, wait until I tell you about the return trip. After a wonderful vacation I arrived at the airport late once again. It wasn’t my fault this time. It was entirely my god-brother’s fault. He’s the one who had us partying across the country from the airport.

I guess there was something about how I looked that afternoon as well, because 5 different immigration officers pulled me in to ask who I was, what I did for a living and why I was in their country. Oh please, from the way they were going on you’d think they expected me to somehow sneak out that airport and into their oh so lovely country. Yeesh!

Now on this particular flight there were many entertainers and since I was probably still tipsy I started up an entire session. I swear, those flight attendants were probably thinking I was the passenger from hell. I’m pretty sure they did because the drinks tray went right by my row!

I’m sure you know this already. But for emphasis never drink beer or too much of any liquid before you board. I very nearly had an accident all because this really huge man could not get out of the bathroom and the other was in use for a long, long time.

Then there was that immigration officer to deal with once again. Lucky me, huh? I got the same woman again and she did the same thing. Well this time I created a scene and I was proud of myself. By the time I was nearing GT I had quite a few people on my flight singing the rum and red bull song! Guyana (and not alcohol like the song says) makes my heart full. (srh.midnight@gmail.com)