– hopes to help others gain strength to leave
Sukree Boodram was just 15 years old when she met the person she considered to be the man of her dreams and she married him later, but the 21 years she spent with him were far from the paradise she dreamt of and in the end she was forced to run from a man whose abusive actions were fuelled by alcohol.
Today the 43-year-old US citizen is anything but a broken woman, rather, she
can be described as a pillar of strength and a woman who is determined not to allow her years of suffering from physical, mental and emotional abuse to be in vain.
She wants to help others and she wants them to know that they can leave and she hopes to do this by telling her life story in a tell-all book entitled Breakout, which is set to be released in the US shortly as it is going through the final stages of editing.
It is a book that will describe to the world the horrifying experiences the mother of two and her children endured at the hands of a man they called husband and father.
“I know by releasing the book and telling my story will mean that my life will be no longer private. But you know what, if my book is going to save one victim then it will be progress,” the certified accountant, who has a Bachelors degree in Accounting and a Masters degree in Business, told Stabroek News in a recent interview.
She said that the primary purpose of my book is to help others, “especially, women in our community who experienced the same fears and apprehensions I did.”
‘Most difficult’
Walking away from her husband and the father of her children was one of the hardest things Boodram had to do but she said after 21 years of abuse she knew she had to leave or sentence herself and children to a life of misery.
“It was one of the most difficult things I had to do; walk away from someone I loved, tear a family apart and concern myself with the welfare and safety of myself and my children. But I also learned that I could not make him stop drinking or change his abusive behaviour,” she said.
The number of years she spent in a marriage—several of which saw her financially supporting her husband’s drinking habit–is evidence that it was not an easy task for Boodram to leave and she did not do it on her own. A 12-step anonymous support group for the families of alcoholics, played a major part in giving her the courage to pack up and leave.
“I learned that alcoholism is a form of mental illness and it is a disease. I also learned that I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I did not contribute to it,” the woman said.
Maybe Boodram could have saved herself the terrifying experience if she had listened to what she considered then “rumours” about her husband-to-be’s drinking problem.
She met the man while she was still at school in Black Bush Polder, Corentyne, but one year later she migrated to the US; it was 1983. But even though she was a teenager and he was 22 and they were oceans apart it seemed back then that they were destined to be as the relationship survived and in1987 when he made it to the US the couple immediately moved in together.
Boodram’s eyes should have been opened during the months they shared as a common-law couple but back then she was a starry-eyed, 20-year-old who was in love with her 26-year-old prince.
“…We were living together for a few months prior to the wedding and [there was] constant drinking, swearing, and belittling my family while ordering me not to go over to see family living close to me at the time. I was just 20 years old and had no idea about the disease of alcoholism and what behaviours resulted from that disease. I did not realize that the abusers [did that] to isolate their victims. I was his victim,” Boodram told this newspaper.
Burying those months of abuse Boodram went ahead and married the man but they were still in their honeymoon period when it got worse.
“The first onset of abuse began three months into my marriage. He hit me and busted my head with blood spewing everywhere in our bedroom. We were sharing an apartment at the time with my older sister and her new husband in Corona, Queens, New York,” Boodram recalled.
Boodram said while she eventually stopped the physical abuse by threatening to tell others “the years of emotional and verbal abuse weakened me little by little.” These include swearing at her relatives and he would “constantly yell and badger me if he did not get his way.
“This was a form of control that I did not know of until later as I educated myself of the symptoms of the disease.
“He would toss plates or any object he had in his hands when he was drunk or agitated. I avoided him a lot because of fear. I did not stand up for myself, but I did go on to educate myself both academically and personally. I wanted to live a happy, long and healthy life free from abuse and alcohol, so I had to carve my own path, despite my pain of the abuse. I wanted to fight for my children. I felt one way or the other I was going to die and I chose to die fighting to get out of the abuse.”
‘I was ashamed’
Like many women who live in abusive relationship for years Boodram kept the abuse a secret from her relatives as she was “ashamed because I thought it was my fault and should not have probed as to his whereabouts and why he was drinking so much.
“I should have spoken up sooner and not be ashamed of it. I was scared that I would be judged as a bad wife by my family and did not want to share our private lives. It was a mistake, one I shall never make again,” Boodram said.
Her silence was also caused because she wanted to be loyal to her vows and to her culture as a Hindu. Then there was the thought of being lonely and being judged by others so instead she stayed and “felt if I was a good wife that he would change and finally I accepted it as the normal behaviours for the men in our culture.”
Boodram said because of the abuse for years she felt that she was not worthy of love from anyone and still struggles with this and as such shut out any opportunity of a relationship. But this is changing slowly Boodram said as she has grown emotionally and “try not to run from painful situations, but face them with grace and dignity, never with resentment.”
Fortunately, Boodram said, her children do not appear to have any long lasting negative impact from the relationship and she pointed out that her oldest child–an 18-year-old boy–does “not have as much anger issues as he did when the alcoholic was still in our lives.” Her 14-year-old daughter is becoming more outgoing and talkative.
“I am getting stronger each day. I still cry a lot from the loss of a marriage and a young girl’s dream, but I also smile a lot as I no longer am a victim of abuse resulting from the disease of alcoholism. It took a lot of strength and support for me to walk away from someone I used to love, at times loved more than myself. I want to make a difference. I am not afraid to speak up and have my voice be heard, even at the cost of my privacy. I am ready,” the woman of strength said.
Boodram said her former husband never resisted her walking out of the marriage and he never fought for custody of his children as his priority was always alcohol. He neither wanted the children nor wanted to support them but Boodram, because she educated herself notwithstanding her difficult circumstances, can adequately provide for her children.
Today Boodram is a Senior Finance Manager with Starwood Vacation Ownership, Orlando, Florida, a division of Starwood Hotels and Resorts Worldwide. Prior to that, she was the Regional Controller for Sunterra Resorts, Inc, Orlando, Florida. She was responsible for the Eastern US and Caribbean Region. Her accounting career began as an Accounts Payable Clerk for Holiday RV Superstores, Inc, Orlando, Florida in 1989. By the time she left Holiday RV Superstores ten years later she was the National Accounts Payable Manager for their US operations.