I am going to assume that you haven’t been living in a truli hut in the Amazon, and you know that since the terrorism upsurge the airlines have these restrictions designed to keep us safe in the air. You cannot go on an airplane these days with anything looking like a knife or a weapon, even scissors, not even a small screwdriver to adjust your guitar, and of course no liquids or gels; if you have any of those things you are considered a danger.
But then what about a guy who knows karate? His hand is a dangerous weapon; they shouldn’t allow him on the plane; make him go by boat, in a container besides. And those people who don’t bathe regular and never heard of deodorant…the way some of them smell they could make the pilot jump out the plane.
Or take a guy like Mike Tyson. If Mike is going on a flight, even a short one, they should give him a muzzle; this man can inflict major injury with a bite. If you doubt me, ask Evander Holyfield.
And even the things people eat can be a problem. Can you imagine going to Lethem on one of those small planes, and it turns out one of the passengers ate a big plate of beans a few hours earlier? Fifteen minutes into the flight, everybody on the plane turning blue; the attendant fanning like crazy, and the pilot’s eyes running water. It’s not like in a car where you could stick your head out the window. You are gasping for breath. At the airport check-in, people should be asked, “Did you pack your own suitcase? Do you have liquids in your carry-on? Have you recently eaten beans?”
Bad breath is another danger. Particularly on those early morning flights originating in Guyana, some banna who woke up late in Berbice and didn’t get to the toothbrush can be very dangerous every time he exhales, and especially when he turns to you to ask, “Yuh ‘ave hany himmigration forms?” Every one of those “h’s” comes out carrying an aroma of garlic, bad onions and last night’s chowmein; it makes you wince when you try to breathe. Can you imagine the result when one of those charming flight attendants leans over to ask this gentleman what he wants to drink and gets a blast of “Horange juice, please” full in the face? That is potentially faint-away time. Here’s another thing: Many West Indian people cannot eat food without pepper sauce, so we bring it on the plane. Now that can be great for us, but a serious pepper sauce, like a Scotch Bonnet mix, can be dangerous for some white folks. The problem is that they are very outgoing and curious, so they catch the smell of the pepper and want to try it, and this nice lady would not take my warnings seriously. “Oh no, I love pepper. I eat it all the time.” My “lady-this-is-Scotch Bonnet” alert has no effect. “Scotch Bonnet! Ooh that sounds quite delightful. I must have some.” So I oblige. Next thing I know, the woman suddenly goes bolt upright, unbuckles her seat belt, pelts her tray to one side, and is running for the washroom screaming, “Oh my God! Oh, my God!” The reverend behind me says, “Religious experience, eh?” I say, “No, Scotch Bonnet.”
Inter-island travel also has some special dangers. Some years ago, I was on a LIAT flight between St Vincent and Grenada, and there was a lady sitting next to me with a small quake full of live crabs. No song-writer’s imagination is involved here; this is Gospel truth. The lady came on board with this quake of crabs, put it on the floor between us, and all the way to Grenada I was ginching from the crabs trying to get at my ankles. She also had some fried fish in a tin, but at least that wasn’t moving.
I believe those things are now outlawed on LIAT, but I was also subjected one time to a huckster coming on board in Antigua wearing 10 identical straw hats stacked in a cone on her head – yes, 10. She had to squat to get in the plane. Airline staff couldn’t dissuade her – technically, that was her hat, not her carry-on – and wouldn’t you know it? She ends up next to Martins with the edges of the straw hat threatening, as the Jamaicans say, “fe jook out mi yeye dem”. Fortunately, there were vacant seats, and I moved away, but on a full plane that headgear is a serious menace.
(I must digress here to make the point that the security request to remove your shoes can be a problem depending on whom you ask. It backfired big-time in a regional airport recently when a traveler, apparently straight from a dairy farm, was asked to remove his sneakers in an airport security check. The fumes from the countryman’s sneakers had passengers running for cover, and the lady manning the scanner was adamant that “is he dutty foot” caused the machine to jam.)
Finally, airport security should be taking the time to defuse potential problems when assigning seats. In an actual incident, boarding a Cayman Airways flight to Miami, I saw firsthand the consequence when a knockdown fight broke out between two female passengers in the same row. As I later heard the explanation, the woman in the corner seat, looking out the window, turned to see her ex-husband and his new wife coming into the two empty seats next to her. It was like two ram goats coming around the same corner in the pasture. The two ladies went at each other like Ali and Frazier, with the poor husband in the middle vainly trying to restore order. Knowing West Indian people, you can image the picturesque flow of “French”, at high volume, that also accompanied the blows. It was only with the brave assistance of a male flight attendant that the rattled husband was able to extricate current wife from ex-wife’s grip.
Shepherded down the aisle to a seat at the back, the new lady was in complete disarray; breathing hard; hair askew; blouse disheveled; glaring at the husband, with her lip sticking out a mile. One could imagine the US Immigration Officer in Miami: “Turbulent flight on the way over, eh?” While there is a lighter side to this, there is potentially real danger involved. I can therefore see with the need to screen for weapons and liquids, and why we need to x-ray luggage and footwear, but there are potential problems the security folks are not covering. For one thing, the question about beans should definitely form part of security procedures. Also, adult males checking in should be required to answer, under oath: “Did you pack your bags? Have they been out of your sight? Have you been married more than once?”
Given that the screening keeps the weapons and the explosives off the plane, is there anything potentially more dangerous than two women, competing for the same man, in a lick-down fight, in a pressurized cabin, at 33,000 feet, with the outside temperature at 50 below zero? That scenario would cause even Mike Tyson to take cover.
