She was born to a mentally ill mother, taken into foster care and then sexually abused for a number of years but all this has made Joy Wilson a strong woman who is now on a mission to help heal others who have had bad experiences.
Preferring to be called a victor as opposed to a survivor, Wilson has already put pen to paper about her life story which is recorded in her recently launched book Jesus Removed My Grave Clothes. From the title of the book it can be seen that Wilson has strong Christian beliefs and she would tell you that it was these beliefs that helped her to heal and brought her lasting change.
For her it is only her faith that could have seen her evolve from a molested teenager who became pregnant at 17 to a woman who is now reading for her doctorate and who does not hesitate to lend a ready ear to those who have reached breaking point. Now a married mother with four children, Wilson in her work as a counsellor, motivational speaker and trainer is not into ‘man bashing’ because while it was one man who took her innocence and made her hate herself for years, it is men who have worked with her as she walked the path of healing.
Wilson recalls that even though she was in foster care with no relationship with her mentally ill mother her life went relatively “smoothly” until at the age of around eleven she got to know her biological father and started visiting him.
“I was in primary school when he started sexually molesting me,” she said.
At the time she knew she hated what was happening but she never told anyone and her foster mother died without knowing, as she never spoke about it until she was twenty-six. Her foster mom knew of her father’s pattern of behaviour and mentioned this to her; Wilson said she immediately denied it and said “he would never do that to me.”
“It went on until I was about fifteen – I lost my virginity to my father when I was about twelve, thirteen,” she said matter-of-factly.
Wilson believes that little girls and boys should be taught that no one should touch their private parts and this is something no one told her as a child, so when she was touched she did not know it was a violation.
“I was fondled and then penetrated and I didn’t know it was a violation; all I knew is that I did not want it, but I didn’t know it was something that should not be done to me.”
For many years during the healing process Wilson said she knew the story had to told, and because of the shame she suffered for many years her motive is to say to every girl, boy, woman or man who has been sexually abused as a child, that they have nothing to be ashamed of. That is what drove her to write the book, she said.
But she did not get to this point overnight; the process started over twenty years ago and it was only when she was in a crisis situation because a loved one had died that the process started.
The person to whom the book is dedicated, came into her life and she told him about the abuse.
“That started my healing, and to think about the years I suffered in silence and help came from all kinds of sources, through books, all kinds of resources to help me come out of this, and that is what I am passionate to do for a lot of people,” Wilson told the Sunday Stabroek during a recent interview.
Her sister from both her biological parents died, and the day she got the news of her death and was grieving, a “brother in Christ“ accompanied her to inform her mother of her sister’s death. Even though her mother was ill she knew her sister, but did not know Wilson because she was very ill by the time she was born.
That is when she told him about her mother, father and her childhood, and she has not regretted doing this. It was “providential,” she said, “because that is when my healing started.”
‘One man’
“One man violated me but God brought wonderful men to help in my recovery,” Wilson said, and these included her husband and “brother in Christ,” adding that her faith in God had sustained her tremendously and was the foundation of her recovery.
And this is one of the reasons Wilson does not agree with blaming men for all the problems in homes; in her view men should be celebrated instead of being constantly berated.
“One of the problems is that abuse so messes up a woman that women don’t know how to relate to men; and [it] has been a tremendous blessing for me, God bringing the right kind of men in my life when other men who don’t know better, might see this woman as a vulnerable woman to take advantage of… [but] they saw me as vulnerable, they sought to be a blessing to me and to help me.”
Throughout the book she mentions the persons who helped in her recovery, and among those a lot of men are prominent.
Wilson said she told her husband about the abuse after nineteen years of being together all “because of shame and fear; you know you wonder how this person you have pledged your life to will deal with something like this… But you know I bless God because he has just been wonderful since I told him.”
Her father died twenty-seven years ago, and although she never confronted him, Wilson said she has forgiven him because had she not done so her healing would not have been complete.
For the past years Wilson has done a lot of work speaking out about abuse and other issues, mostly in the church environment. She has ministered in Africa, the US, Jamaica, Barbados and several churches across Guyana. She also does staff development, parent, educational and youth workshops and she works a lot with women.
Passionate
“What I am passionate about is to help people to understand and process trauma, understand how it could affect them negatively and how it could influence how they treat other people,” Wilson said.
She recalled one time she was doing a two-day parenting session and on the second day one of the participants told her that she had saved her from burning her husband with a pot of rice water the night before. And it was then she shared that she was sexually abused as a child by a male relative.
According to Wilson many times women are molested by male relatives as children and when they become adults it affects how they relate to men. Women, she said, have so many problems with men, and there about 50% of households which are female headed.
“And the burden I have is that women struggle to live with men, yet they don’t have a problem having sex with them, and we are not only making girls we are making boys, so for me we are creating the very problem we can’t deal with because we can’t raise boys to be men,” Wilson said.
And it is not only girls who are affected by violence in the home, but boys as well, and they grow up with no one to train and care for them, “and if their father is present and he is a bad example that’s where the problem is.”
“So we can’t just say you know it is women against men, we have to look at a redemptive approach that touches the needs of every family member if we are going to have healing.”
Wilson is of the view that men are needed to teach little boys how to be men, and she holds a view that some feminists may strongly disagree with, but for her women need to live with men in a way that empowers them to perform their roles in the home and society.
‘Celebrate’
Giving voice to a rather controversial notion, Wilson said one of the ways in which women can do this is by respecting the man in the home and respecting his role of leadership and authority. She admits that initially she struggled with this, because she had unresolved issues with her father that she had to deal with.
“What you celebrate you get more out, so rather than seeing this man as the worst thing out, there must be something good that you value; celebrate that and emphasise that, people like rewards…”
Criticisms are the order of the day in many homes, Wilson said, and when the family is in conflict, then the schools, the community and society will have problems.
“It is the home and the key person in the home is the woman; the man has a valuable role but it is the woman,” Wilson said.
“We have to take responsibility for our role in living with men and it starts with forgiveness. I had to forgive and release my father because for as long as I held on to what he did to me it was destroying me; he is dead and gone so it was destroying me.”
For her it is not a “man problem, it is a sin problem because if people know better they would do better.”
In the book she speaks about surrendering her life to Christ, but a key thing that she mentions is getting an education. She tells about meeting her husband, about their marriage, rearing children, and negotiating work and family life and studies, and her life story is intended to help people see that no matter what, they can overcome.
She was taken out of school at fourteen and despite the struggle of working and raising a family she still attended evening class and went on to university where she graduated with a degree and her Masters. She is now reading for her doctorate in leadership.
The book was launched on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence AgainstWomen and while this is significant day for Wilson, she thinks there is need for a day for the elimination of violence full stop, because it is not just women who are suffering from violence but men as well.
And though research shows that women are the main victims, for her it is not just about what men are doing to women but what people are doing to each other:
“It is not just about what the woman needs it is about what each member of the home needs and if we don’t have a balanced approach to looking at the problem we would continue to have the problem.”
According to Wilson, research also shows that while men are leading in terms of physical and sexual abuse, women are leading in relation to emotional abuse.
“Women are destructive, and the impression I have is that wounded women pass on pain,” she said, adding that women are looking in the wrong places to have their deeper needs met and that is why there is problem of women having children for many different men.
“We multiply our problems if we don’t get up and take responsibility, and this is where I see the role education playing.”
For Wilson too divorce is not the answer, but rather each person should take responsibility for their roles in the family, and even if the woman has to leave the home for a while and get some help there is room for reconciliation.
Asked if this applies to a woman who is being battered by her partner, Wilson responded that the separation can see both parties getting help, and she is not advocating that the woman should remain in the abusive relationship.
