Dear Editor,
In all the debates on the various issues which are attracting our attention and interest from time to time, whether it be the opinion-makers in feature columns and readers’ letters in our newspapers, between leaders of rival political parties, or among members of the public, we can see clearly that everyone is so convinced of the rightness of his/her own position, and so intent on converting everyone else to his/her own views, that people are simply not listening to one another.
This has been never so manifest as in the recent past when there are so many extremist positions being expressed in the media, and in the political deliberations in and out of Parliament, in which we should have least expected some example and open-mindedness, so that others below may follow their lead in order to arrive at positions which are acceptable, or at least able to be tolerated, by the general populace.
The opposing forces are instead directing their efforts towards upstaging their opponents on every issue, rejecting all arguments and proposals which they believe will lead to some loss of ground on their part. And as soon as we examine this type of approach to the various questions which need to be answered fairly and objectively in order to facilitate solutions to our political and societal problems, we see clearly that such an inflexible attitude will always lead to never-ending controversies. These of course can cause the unity, harmony, and economic advancement that we all dream of, to forever elude us as a nation. If there is an absolute truth, none of us mortals has been blessed with it, and we can only add to the fund of our own knowledge and experience if we genuinely endeavour to listen closely to those with whom we engage in our debates, not only to the words we hear, but to what they are really trying to say or express non-verbally.
Communication seeks to convey feelings as well as information, and a lot of these will escape us if we shun the need to pay attention to all its aspects, restricting our ability to arrive at perspectives which are all encompassing. It cannot be denied that the situations which are arising from time to time in our country have their origins in the feelings of people, and the controversies that they cause are in turn generating feelings of all kinds, many of which are negative.
If our efforts are really directed towards the promotion of a just and peaceful society, then we need to consider the feelings of everyone, and take these fully into consideration when we are working towards the solutions which would ease the burdens of all.
A restatement of the crucial components which are a prerequisite for effective communication by those on both sides of any divide, may serve to show why we find it so difficult to really listen to others. It should at the same time enable persons to examine their own behaviour in the light of these, and to make any adjustments which will enable them to arrive at just solutions to problems.
These components are:
empathy – the ability and willingness to experience another’s world as if it were one’s own;
positive regard – which includes the acceptance of the other person with an attitude of respect for that person’s point of view, feelings and opinions, along with their right to these, although you may not agree with them;
genuineness – meaning that the listener must be honest and natural, and really sincere in taking the other’s views on board.
One reason for this refusal to listen is that we tend to sense some danger that we may be giving up our own position, and therefore our interest, as well as face the risk of being convinced in the other’s point of view, which we want to resist as strenuously as we can.
This uncompromising representation of our position on any issue, accompanied by every effort being expended to discount any other point of view, may be in order in the courtroom, when a mediator we trust to be fair and impartial has been authorised to weigh each case and form a judgement which has to be accepted by all, but it has no place in our efforts at arriving at solutions to the contentious problems which are threatening the delicate balance in which our nation is poised.
I leave with one truism to be contemplated when we sincerely try to form the right attitudes in which to debate the various issues: Whenever two or more persons form a community, whether a couple, a neighbourhood, a society, an organisation or a nation, the solution to any common problem is always the sum of their contributions, their points of view, their interests and their unselfish wishes.
Yours faithfully,
Roy Paul