New Year resolutions and advice are upon us, and following the barometer of “goat ain’t bite me,” I offer a hand for coping with life in any year.
- Learn to know the difference between what you do well and what you don’t. Do the stuff you know, and don’t be embarrassed to pass the stuff you’re not good at to someone who knows the subject. However smart you think you are, you can’t be an expert in every area; learning to accept that will also save you from becoming the kind of know-it-all that irritates most people who know them. Besides, passing on the project gives other people a chance to shine, and they’ll feel good towards you for recommending them.
- When you foul up, don’t spend half an hour of chat or long emails explaining why you did or said something bothersome. Just say two words, “I’m sorry.” Said sincerely, most of the time that will put things right. You can give the long explanations afterward, but the early sincere “I’m sorry” will save you hours, or even days, of acrimony. Of course, I’m talking here about relationships, personal or business, that are important to you.
In a clash, even though you’re confident that you have the other person dead to rights, always give people a back door, leave them some wiggle room, or, in the Japanese tradition, let them save face. It’s a magical lubricant for compromise. In addition, when the tables are turned, and you’re the one in the difficult position, you’ll be grateful when somebody gives you a back door. Be ready to open the back door as well as to walk through it.- Don’t expect people will gladly make major personality changes you feel they need. Look at your own life; the chances are close to zero that you would be willing, or indeed able, to change significantly from the you that you are now. The same is true of the people in your life. Don’t expect them to make the radical alteration in their behaviours that you could not achieve in your own life.
- When you’re going through bad times, don’t spend a lot of time bemoaning your misfortune compared to someone else who seems to be sailing along with everything going his/her way. Time and again, you will come to discover that that “someone else” isn’t quite as blessed as you think. You will find out later that just as you were having those feelings of envy, that other person was going through a very difficult period dealing with circumstances far more traumatic and heart-rending than your own. As the bumper sticker says, “Don’t envy me; you don’t know my story.”
- Make sure to tell the important people in your life what they mean to you. Close family, of course, but also a co-worker, a mentor, whatever. And don’t do it in some subtle way; use direct language, expressing your feelings clearly – “You’re important in my life.” “I depend on you a lot.” “I can’t tell you how much I value your support.” “I admire you for your integrity.” It will mean much more to them than you can ever imagine. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people say about someone close to them, “I wish I had said something when I had the chance; now it’s too late.”
- Be receptive to a thought that clashes with a position you hold. I used to be very intolerant of seemingly intelligent people who would end up falling-down drunk, or gambling their life away, or on drugs. Late in life I’ve learned that in most cases the continual excess creates an imbalance in the brain – in effect, a disruption – that leaves them addicted to their obsession.
- Treasure your sense of humour. It will often save you from taking yourself too seriously – and others, too. It will serve as a great tool in breaking down indifference, or even animosity, in persons you encounter in your daily life. Judiciously applied, humour will often produce surprisingly positive results where none seemed likely. Also, obviously, the disposition to laughter will leave you finding joy in every day you live, wherever that may be.
- Learn from the excellent work of successful or high-quality people you know; adopt their techniques. There are two aspects here.
The obvious one is that you can learn valuable lessons on whatever skill you need to acquire, from the folks who already know to do it well; you speed up the learning curve when you’re following in the footsteps of persons who are good at what they do. On the other hand, however, don’t dismiss the less proficient because you can also learn from the people who produce shoddy work; you can learn what not to do.
- I hear it frequently: all the issues we’re grumbling about that upset us—the ethnic voting; the corruption; the garbage in the street; the indifference to drunk drivers – we’re told, “Don’t worry, it will change because the young people coming along won’t put up with it. They’ll change it.” Don’t hold your breath. Young people are totally engrossed in that very difficult process of making one’s way in the world; the process consumes them totally; the majority of them have little interest in the things mature adults are anxious about. Think of yourself in Guyana at 18 or 19; you were indifferent to those things at that time; it’s the same story today.
- Finally, don’t look back at some earlier behaviour that you’re embarrassed by and think, “How could I have been so stupid?” What you did then was based on who you were then, what you knew then; you’re a different person now with more experience, more wisdom, better judgement. Don’t beat yourself up about having done something that made perfect sense at the time.
