His mother was and remains his life’s anchor; his six sisters and many other women who “guided and nurtured him with kindness and lots of love” to make him evolve into a human being who people are proud to be associated with, have Selwyn Collins’s eternal gratitude.
It was the influence of these women who propelled Collins to believe in himself and today the recently-published author has rightly occupied the place where he uses his life’s experiences to motivate others through his writings and a web-based show titled CSW (Conversations with Selwyn) Journey.
He’s 52; and the fact that his show was only recently born might see some describing Collins as a late bloomer. But once the fact that for many years he was a man who was his biggest doubter and one who was afraid to put his talent on display is considered, it should be concluded that it happened at the right time.
The Guyanese born author recently published his first book, The eartHeart Knows one that he said took just about a month to complete because for years unknown to himself he had been writing inspirations on Facebook not realizing he was actually using it as a diary.
“So when the time came to construct my book, I had enough material to fill volumes. I selected what I thought was appropriate [and] wrote some new quotes, but that was the easy part,” he said in a recent interview.
He explained that the name of the book is a juxtaposition of the earth and the heart with two things in common, the H and their effects on life. The book, he said, has been well received and sold well but most importantly for him it has provided much comfort to many.
The term ‘born to…’ suits Collins quite aptly as it is obvious that he is a man born to write and he would have had an intimate relationship with words and one even though he was unfaithful by attempting many other career paths and even at times attempting to stifle his talent, those around him never allowed him to as they saw evidence that this author and words were a perfect match.
And so even as he answered emailed questions from the Sunday Stabroek Collins could not resist answering in such a narrative that it would not be difficult to have it printed, pages bound and boom a book is published.
Maybe it is his age, his maturity, his life’s experiences, but Collins is refreshingly candid in speaking about himself. Whether it is his hatred for himself for initially disowning his daughter when she was born; his difficult decision to leave his young twin sons Allister and Astell in Guyana and move to the US; initially cheating the IRS and then being saddled with years of debt; or even deeper, his years of struggling with almost chronic depression, Collins is not afraid to tell.
“I write this side of me not to plead the compassion of the forgiving or in hopes of evoking pity—heaven knows I have enough self-pity to last a few lifetimes—or even to secure understanding for my sake, but to be authentic regardless of consequence, private or public,” the writer and inspirational speaker said.
‘Phenomenal woman’
Marjorie Collins is a mother of all mothers if we are to go on the words of her son who described her as “this giving, gracious, and loving being, this phenomenal woman, who always encouraged me and prayed for the best for me…”
She was his biggest cheerleader when he finally got the book published and even though while he was a child she had pushed him to become a doctor she is satisfied that he is using his talent to help and even heal people, while not physically, emotionally through his inspirational penmanship.
His success to him is his mother’s hard work paying off as it was the values she would have instilled in him which would have pushed him on.
“It was for her I wrote The eartHeart Knows,” he said simply.
“My mother is my world. It is only through reflection that I can begin to understand the abundant unconditional love my mother had for me then and still does today… She taught me to be humble, to forgive, and to never forget to pray.”
But she was not the only woman who impacted on his life as Collins said as long as he could remember he has been surrounded by women who guided and nurtured him with kindness and lots of love.
“It would be difficult and perhaps inappropriate to state each woman whose contribution to my life has helped to mould me into the man I am today, but I’d like to acknowledge all of them…” he said.
From his six sisters—Victorine, Joy, Megan, Jennifer, Carol and Roxanne—and their friends, to the women including his teachers in various communities in which he was raised, Collins said he owes an enormous debt of gratitude.
He remembers he was living in Campbellville, when he thought he had failed Common Entrance and was hiding under the bed when his mother gave him the good news that he had actually passed to attend Queen’s College. He remembers a Guyana when there was great national pride and patriotism where respect was the norm; people offered you a seat on the bus, or didn’t curse in your presence if you wore a certain crest. It was the Guyana when youths read and debated a lot because there was no television and there was hardly any violence. Then crimes with guns were almost nonexistent and crime in and of itself was low.
Parents then allowed their adolescents to be out late and other freedoms perhaps not only because they were mature for their age and seemed responsible but because they were comfortable knowing that they were safe.
Back then, among his activities was attending political rallies of the now dead Walter Rodney an experience he describes now as “seductive as it was dangerous” as the atmosphere was charged with a sense that something big “and transformative was happening.”
After graduating from school Collins worked at the Royal Bank of Canada and by then, much to his mother’s displeasure, he was no longer an altar boy as he was tired of serving and of Father DeWeaver’s strictness. Three later he migrated to the US and refused to take his young twin boys into the “chaos and stress I was experiencing.
“It was a controversial decision because no one agreed with it. I was alone in this and suffered the consequences. This fed a deep depression and withdrawal,” Collins said candidly.
His biggest financial mistake when he moved to the US was not having his taxes deducted which meant he could have had more disposable income. But soon the IRS caught up with him and he found himself being saddled with a huge debt for years. Today, as he looks back, he wonders how he survived, but again his mother played a part.
“I believe what prevented me from losing my mind and gave me hope were my mother’s unconditional love and encouraging words that I was born to make a difference to others, that I am gifted and everything in life is temporary,” he said.
Depression
Even though he had his mother, people who looked up to him, good jobs and his writing, Collins remembers that he spent many years feeling sorry for himself, “wallowing in doubt, fear, self-pity, and shame.”
As he spoke about the extent of his depression, Collins said he knew it perhaps would shock some and surprise many, but for him it would be dishonest to only talk about the glorious side of him and omit that which is just as integral to who he is.
Only his mother knew that at one time his mind was fragmented and he could not focus on anyone or anything for any length of time. He struggled with the thought that no one must know his secrets and as such hid from people and avoided intimate conversations.
He spoke of his “struggles with academia, finances, a huge tax obligation, raising my children, and facing my deepest regret of not standing up as a man when my daughter was born in 1988 and accepting the responsibility that she was mine.”
That was one of his biggest burdens and up to today the question that haunts him is how could he have done that. Collins was so ashamed of himself that he stayed away from any situation where there was a possibility of someone calling him out on his indiscretion.
“I promised myself many years ago that I will never get another woman pregnant and I will never get married until I make it right with my daughter. I have kept those promises.”
At 52, Collins said it is still difficult for him to “weave the strands of my life together into a reasonable answer.” He said whenever he asked to say who he is he always struggles to find a simple answer and as such he has since accepted that perhaps there is no simple answer. For him he is still in the process of getting to know himself, one that he said can sometimes be frightening as he realizes that he had nothing to fear and rather it was he who stood in his own way while others reminded him of his gifts and unlimited possibilities.
Broadcast
It is amazing that Collin’s first stint with broadcast came only in early 2012 when he was invited to host a segment on a neighbour’s show – Coalition to Preserve Reggae (CRP, an experience he now describes as “nerve racking” in the beginning.
While he left several months later Collins said the bug of speaking with people on a live show had bitten him, hence the birth of CSW in May 2012. Even though he initially doubted himself, Collins said that guests on his show came and it grew. He describes it as a video and live production, which is interactive through chatroom where the audience gets to participate in the conversation.
“It was born to provide a media space where people can educate and empower others by sharing their journey and stories. I wanted to create an oral history of lives of Guyanese and other Caribbean nationals of note so that future generations will have an idea of how these people lived; their trials, and their successes and triumphs, in spite of the many challenges they faced,” he said.
On the show, he said, he avoids negativity and sensationalism because he believes in a broadcast where people can be their best selves and encourage others to step beyond their challenges and limitations, transform and make a positive contribution to society.
His guests, he said, appear on the show through various recommendations, him reaching out, or through requests.
“Everyone is welcome regardless of colour or creed,” Collins said.
And when not broadcasting he managing his web development company, Selco2000 Web Solutions, coding, creating something artistic or writing.
Reflecting on everything that has happened in his life some of which are “too complex and too numerous” to share Collins said maybe they were meant to be.
“I blame no one for my experiences and hold myself totally responsible. It is my journey and everything, good or bad belongs to me because of me.”
In 2014 Collins was honoured by the Guyana Cultural Association for ‘Innovation in New Media’.
