Reminiscing on the moment they said “I do” to each other 30 years ago, a smiling Stephen David-Longe described his wife Hazel as “stunning” when he took his first glimpse of her on their wedding day; and with a chuckle she said softly that he looked “handsome” when she laid her eyes on him.
During a sit-down chat in the comfort of their living room, Mr and Mrs David-Longe shared with Stabroek News their chronicles of an amazing love story and their recipe for a long and successful marriage.
Stephen and Hazel, 56 and 54 years old respectively, revealed over a two-hour period, a love-bond which began 35 years ago when they first met each other.
“I realized that this was a young lady not to be categorized as the ordinary type,” Stephen said of the first time he laid eyes on his wife. He recalled that it was in March of 1980 that he met Hazel and “…knew she was the one.”
They met at the New Caribbean Enterprise (NCE) Screen Printers where Stephen worked as a darkroom technician in photograph developing and screen printing techniques.
Hazel, a professional artist/ fabric designer at the Burrowes School of Arts, had gone over to the NCE as a work-study student to learn screen printing techniques.
Stephen said he and Hazel began talking from time-to-time and a mutual interest later grew as they discovered how much they had in common. A relationship ensued one year later; and after two years, they became engaged.
Both goal oriented and pursuing studies in their respective fields at that time, they decided to complete their studies and establish a secure academic foundation before getting married.
When asked about his marriage proposal, Stephen said that he expressed his love and intention to have Hazel’s hand in marriage by writing her letters and greeting cards. They also verbalised their intentions to each other often during their courtship
On December 28, 1985, the two exchanged vows at the Bethel Gospel Hall, Christian Brethren Church at 192 Camp Street, Georgetown, where they still fellowship.
Their union produced six children—three boys and three girls.
When asked whether he was nervous about taking the gigantic marriage step, Stephen responded in the affirmative but clarified that his nervousness was not fuelled by fear of what he was getting into, but rather by the newness of the territory.
Stephen asserted that he had no “second guesses” nor were there any “hiccups” surrounding the moment. He said he was quite confident, noting that he and his wife had planned for it.
“I knew she was the one,” Stephen emphasized. He shared with Stabroek News that while he had friendships before meeting his wife, Hazel was his first relationship. He happily recalled accompanying her to dinners, lunches, the movies, sports and games as well as her painting exhibitions.
Agreeing with the general notion that a woman’s wedding day is the most important day in her life, Hazel recalled being equally filled with excitement and anxiety because of the attention that is usually centred on the bride.
God as focal point
During the discourse, this reporter asked the David-Longes, who are active members and marriage counsellors at their church, about the recipe to a long and successful marriage.
Without hesitation, they credited the longevity and success of their marriage to Almighty God who they said has been and continues to be the focal point in every facet of their lives.
Hazel was keen on pointing out that there is no one ingredient for a long and successful marriage, but emphasized that both parties must have a total dependence on God.
Acknowledging that no marriage is perfect and would be plagued by its individual strengths and weaknesses, she stressed, “He [God] gives you the grace to endure,” and that it is therefore important to keep Him on a pedestal in your life.
Echoing his wife’s sentiments, Stephen said that couples must decide, before being married, their purpose for being married, and seek to live that purpose by most importantly fulfilling God’s purpose for the union.
This, he said, can only be achieved if God is made the focal point of the marriage, adding also that “love holds it together.” Stephen shared a number of scriptures from the Holy Bible, including 1st Corinthians 13:13, regarding love and its indispensable importance in the marriage.
In addition to the parties knowing the purpose for their marriage, Stephen said other important ingredients which form part of the recipe for a long and successful marriage are commitment and patience.
Both husband and wife also added dedication and the desire of both parties to give it “their best shot, to ensure it works.” Hazel pointed out that some marriages end because at times there are some couples who get into the union with the preconceived idea that if it doesn’t work out, they can simply leave.
She however stressed that, in a loving manner, they should recommit themselves to each other and see the union for the partnership it ought to be, where one party compliments the other. Underscoring the importance of premarital counselling, she emphasized that it is during this time that the parties get a chance to even ascertain their compatibility and which of their expectations may be unreal.
Conflict
On the issue of resolving conflict in the marriage, the David-Longes both said that this is natural and cannot be avoided. Stephen emphasised, however, that keeping God as the focal point of the marriage aids in ensuring guarded responses in the moment of anger.
They both shared with Stabroek News a technique which they use when angry; they would take a moment to ask themselves, “What would Jesus do? How would he respond in that moment and what actions he would take?”
Stephen spoke also of looking at his wife, during such a time, by first looking through God.
In so doing, both husband and wife said that their responses to each other would be more informed and better guarded against causing wounds.
Hazel metaphorically pointed out that a hole remains in a surface even after a nail is pulled from it. In the same manner, she said that things said and done in the marriage can leave wounds and so it is important for each party to be mindful of what they say, how and when it is said.
She also said that their marriage success today came from learning about each other and their commitment through God and hard work over the years. She emphasised the importance of both parties working equally as hard to ensure the success of the marriage.
If these examples are exhibited by husband and wife, they both said, it becomes easier for the children to emulate them.
They said too that open communication is important between husband and wife as well as between parents and children. Hazel pointed out that too many times couples keep unresolved issues to themselves, conjuring in their minds what they think the other person is thinking when it is perhaps nothing of the sort.
If issues are discussed, however, they both said that it then becomes easier to deal with and resolve them. She said that while a cooling-off period is important during a fit of anger to guard against irrational responses, it is equally important for a time agreed to by both parties, to be set aside to deal with whatever issue there may be.
Saying sorry
When asked her take on a man getting dressed and leaving the home as a means of cooling-off, Hazel said that while this may be effective, the issue still remains unresolved as the wife would not have been able to discuss what was bothering her.
She said that women and men are naturally different beings, and both parties must understand this reality. She noted that a husband must understand his wife and be able to find a way to calm her down. He must understand also that she is a verbal being and would not be satisfied until she can say what it is that is affecting her.
She said that when a husband sits and sets aside time to talk with his wife, she is reassured that “he is hearing her; he understands and he is concerned.” These, she said, are three things women need from their husbands, “not just leaving the house to go walk up the road.”
Meanwhile, her husband underscored the importance of both parties, the man in particular, being capable of saying “I am sorry.” He said that too often men think that apologising to their wives is a sign of weakness. “It’s a misconception of a true leader, and the legacy God has left us,” he said, adding, “A true man says he is sorry.”
He said too that both parties must endeavour to resolve issues before going to bed as it aids in the fresh start to a new day.
Hazel said, “Genuine apology is priceless. You must mean it, and the other person must feel it.”
Her husband interjected, “When my wife detects unconditional love in my apology, I’m a happy man.”
Domestic violence
Asked to comment on the scourge of domestic violence in society, the David-Longes opined that while there are myriad reasons for this, the deviation of some from God’s plan for the family causes its breakdown.
Both husband and wife highlighted that the family is ordained by God as the most important institution in society. Stephen said that some men feel threatened by women who are more academically qualified, and as a result of their own insecurities, respond with the “big fist.”
Emphasizing that such actions by men must be condemned, Stephen said that some men feel that they have to demonstrate their authority with that fist. He said that premarital counselling aids tremendously in ascertaining such trends and compatibility of the parties.
He and his wife said too that planning is very important between husband and wife for every facet of their lives, and that they steadfastly hold to God’s ordained roles for both man and wife. Hazel pointed out that when roles are reversed, it causes a breakdown in the home which results in a breakdown in societal values.
“The home as an institution is very important. It is the greenhouse, the nurturing ground of society,” she and her husband stressed.
According to Stephen, some men do not understand how important their roles are in the home and how they work as an adhesive to holding society together. He said that too often men think that being the head of the home means ruling with an iron fist. However, this was not ordained by God.
He stressed that men must return to loving their wives the way God loves the Church and treat their wives with love and respect.
Balance
Commenting on balancing family life and work, Hazel said that apart from the meticulous planning of every detail for each day, her husband is of tremendous assistance. She said that after their fourth child, she quit her job to nurture their upbringing.
Acknowledging that it may not always be possible for mothers to be at home with their children because of economic circumstances, she said that ideally, children should not be placed in day-care institutions. Instead, they should be at home so that firm family morals could be instilled in them during the early stages of their lives.
She said that the assistance and involvement of her husband in the home helps to make the load lighter.
The six David-Longe children range between the ages of 16 and 30. Their parents spoke about their involvement in their children’s lives and the importance of family time. They spoke proudly of being involved in their children’s academic, sport, church and other activities as a source of support and encouragement.
Today, the David-Longes manage a business from their home and enjoy being actively involved in their various ministries at church while watching their children chase their dreams. Their eldest son, Stephen Jr, is an economics major. Their eldest daughter, Sophia, is a doctor. Their second daughter, Sonnel, is an attorney. Their middle and last sons, Seavion and Seanven, are at the University of Guyana pursuing studies in law and biology respectively. Their youngest daughter, 16-year-old Sarah, currently attends Queen’s College and wants to be an attorney. After 30 years of marriage, they seem set on chalking up another 30.
