We live in a world that pressures women to dress and act in a certain way. Women unthinkingly transfer these beliefs to the next generation, sometimes taking joy in doing so; it’s as if they believe real character derives from clothing choice. These attempts at control are diverse and can be extreme depending on where you are. But in all instances the habit of creating rules for women to be respected as women hinders a person’s real development.
The most annoying question I still get asked to this day since I have been married is, ‘how has married life been treating you so far?’ People say it as if there is supposed to be some grand change. They say it as if I am supposed to change everything and adapt my habits—like my way of dressing or the friends that I keep—to suit my husband.
When I was home last December, one of my Godmothers said something to me that made me feel really sad and imprisoned to an extent. As I was getting dressed to go out, she said, “Girl, you like to show your skin. That is something that you wear only when you are with your husband… You are married now.”
Now, one can interpret her statement in many ways but for me, what this actually does is make it okay for men to think it’s wrong when a woman expresses herself through her mode of dress because they might not like it or might think is only meant for them.
Some of us have this idea that marriage means ownership by the man and dominance over the woman. But we think this way because society teaches us that the man’s feelings come first.
The constant caution to women to do or not do x or y because ‘you’re married now,’ gives men the entitlement to feel authoritative in their marriage over their partner’s identity. We ultimately change the fundamentals of relationship building from love and compassion to control and ownership.
So when people ask me about the change I would have experienced, I am always a bit disappointed. A marriage isn’t supposed to drastically change your relationship with your partner. Being married doesn’t make it okay for your partner to control how you choose to dress. A real marriage isn’t about control over personal identity and worshipping your husband’s commands but rather loving and appreciating each other’s quirks and attributes.
Those who know me well, know that most of the clothes I purchase are usually from the sale section and I tend re-style them over and over. This is a part of me that being married will not change.
We have been taught to engrain inequality in our daughters and sons’ minds; to ultimately kowtow to male insecurity and in so doing reverse the development of true identity. I can’t begin to tell you the contributions our women could make with the rejection and subjection removed.
We need to stop making men feel superior to women. We need to stop teaching our younger women that in order to gain respect they must look a certain way. Respect should be guaranteed at all times.
We suggest that if a woman isn’t in the company of a man she is powerless; that men somehow have a right to catcall or attack her when she is alone. We throw more gasoline onto the inequality fire by making these statements part of our social responsibility.
We need to stop making girls feel that they have a duty to be deferential to men and start telling boys that they should not be expect this and that it is their duty to respect everyone equally.
Today I want to leave with you some reminders that would help override the archaic ignorance.
* Your choice of clothing shouldn’t be used as a benchmark to be respected by your partner or anyone else.
* Your personality and identity are really important things. They make you who you are. Don’t self-destruct at the command of a man. If you liked your skinny jeans before marriage, marriage shouldn’t make you not like them.
* Marriage is not about control and what you wear but rather growing in love each day. A marriage built on control is detrimental to happiness. People should not be treated like they are imprisoned when they are in love.
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