I know from our newspapers, and from many a conversation, that our political masters and mistresses are going at each other in Parliament and elsewhere as they always have and, apparently, always will, except for Sam Hinds who I find maintains a calm dignity even in his most adversarial communications which no one else seems able to achieve.
The verbal battles are generally exceedingly unimaginative. We need new and more innovative swear-words. We need to lift the level of vituperation. The insults are of a low standard and boringly repetitive.
The nouns are varied – scandal, shame, misery, murderation, nonsense, disgrace, confusion, shambles, corruption, chaos, mess – but the adjectives attached to the nouns never vary very much. Indeed a lot of the time a single, ancient, Anglo-Saxon expletive, which I see has been allowed to appear in the latest editions of Webster’s dictionary, serves privately to define whatever sort of mess, chaos, scandal, or disgrace is being described. Surely we can invent subtler and more descriptive language to lambast those in authority and indeed those out of authority.
In this search for better swearing, we may be well advised to follow carefully the legendary investigations of Professor Edgar Gregerson of City University, New York. Professor Gregerson worked for years on the seminal book on insults of the world tentatively titled Your Grandfather’s Mouth which is, apparently, the worst possible thing you can say to someone in Sumatra. Professor Gregerson at last count had compiled catalogues of insults from 157 languages. As far as I know he has not yet conducted his research in Guyana. But if and when he comes here we should be ready with some choice epithets of our very own.
Let us learn from others. For instance, if you call a Japanese a horseradish you must be ready to fend off a karate chop since calling someone a horseradish is about the worst rudeness there is in Japanese. In Mandarin it is exceptionally offensive to call someone a stupid melon. And when the Menomini Indians in North America really see red they spit out a phrase which, freely translated, means “You have disgusting dirty armpits.”
Can we not come up with our own imaginative insults? One of the TV stations could perhaps run a contest for the most telling and offensive insult to describe those responsible for the various muddles we seem to get into. Such a contest would attract thousands of entries which we could then pass on to Professor Gregerson. Once upon a time – no longer one fervently hopes – GPL on its own would have attracted a whole set of world-class entries. However, there should be no lack of replacement sources for our imaginative abuse.
It is the same with political invective. We have been hearing the same, old, boring cuss-words thrown at each other by the politicians for decades. We need to inform our political venom with more wit; let humour give greater point to political attack.
I like the story of the great poet Dante. He was having a bad time at the court of his princely patron. A conceited idiot at the court was being treated much better than Dante and one day this man asked the poet: “How is it that I, who am so ignorant, should be so rich and favoured while you, who are so learned and wise, should be a beggar?” Quick as a flash Dante gave the fool the perfect reply: “The reason is that you have found a lord that resembles you and when I find one who resembles me I shall no doubt be as rich as you.”
And hear this magnificent insult come down to us through the mists of time – it is the marvellous taunt delivered thousands of years ago by Thersites against King Agamemnon: “An honest fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain as ear-wax!”
To match the present hour we need a higher standard of vituperation, a whole new dimension of swear words and insults. Let Professor Gregerson’s catalogue be our guide. When next you feel frustrated and fed up, scream out not your usual common curse but shout instead something like “Stupid melon!” or “Your Grandfather’s mouth!” or “Horseradish!” or “Dirty armpits!” It will do you a power of good. And perhaps somewhere, in some official’s head, a little of the wax will loosen and let in a little sense.
