Dear Editor,
Why do I continue to have flashbacks? A few days ago while I was sitting on the beach on the Gulf of Mexico relaxing, listening to the waves, watching the dolphins, reading a book and enjoying the beautiful sunshine and ocean, out of nowhere, two US military helicopters flew overhead.
And suddenly, in the twinkle of an eye, at that moment, everything changed. I was immediately taken to Baghdad by my thoughts and, my memories that were buried and forgotten suddenly returned. The hands of time were turned backward, and I was back in the fight.
I was a soldier again. I can feel the heat from the desert sunshine. I’m sweating like a horse, and my uniforms are soaked. Nearby, I can hear the sound of gunfire and bombs exploding. I can hear my heart beating faster and feeling terribly tensed and numbed. And I’m feeling unbelievably fearful.
After the bombings were over and although I have sand in my eyes, I can still see the remains of three charred bodies in front of me. They look like burnt pieces of meat. At that moment, I dared not ask myself if they have a wife and children. I’m am not allowed to feel anything. For now, I have to bury any thoughts or feelings of compassion to survive. Those questions may be asked later or maybe never. In combat, unlike in life, I have to bury everything so I can do my job.
I can smell the scent of the remains of the charred bodies. I wouldn’t even try to describe it to you because it’s indescribable. Of all the horror and horrific things I saw in the war, this incident remains with me. Weeks after the incident, the food I ate was tasteless.
Editor, how do I forget the past? Why is it so much easier to remember the bad than the good memories? Why do military helicopters trigger my memories?
Is it because of when I worked at a hospital in Baghdad I saw many helicopters bringing in many wounded soldiers for medical treatment? Is it because my last memory of being in Iraq was being flown out on a helicopter?
Why is it on such a beautiful Friday afternoon so many years later and so far away from the war, seeing the helicopters trigger so many bad memories? Will I ever be able to sit on the beach and enjoy such a great moment and not have it taken away from me? Why is it after ten years, seeing military helicopters takes me back to Baghdad? Why is it that such a beautiful moment has to be ruined so easily? Why is it that flashbacks happen so suddenly and quickly and when you least expect it?
Yours faithfully,
Anthony Pantlitz