I was in my teens when I made a vow that if I were ever in a relationship with a man and he hit me one time, there would be no forgiveness. I wasn’t going to stick around for a repeat. Part of the reason for me making that vow was the fact that I grew up around strong women, such as my mother and my aunt, and I never saw any man abuse them. I also knew that my body was to be treated with reverence. I knew that there were no limits to the worthiness of my existence. Despite my economic or social circumstances, I was divine. Fortunately, for me, I have not had any experiences with domestic violence, but my vow still stands. Sadly, there are many women who cannot say the same.
Last week, we once again saw the death of a Guyanese woman by violent means. Simone Hackett was not someone I knew personally but some years ago I would have crossed paths with her when we were both a part of the local modeling industry. Even though she was not a family member or a friend, the horror of her death had a profound impact on me. I imagined her family’s pain. I imagined the horror she must have felt during the last moments of her life. No man or woman should die in such a manner. She was a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend and her life had a meaning. We know that she had a son to live for. We know that that innocent child, as he grows, will face the fragments of what became of his parents’ relationship and ultimately the end of his mother.
We have come to a place where too many women have died by the hands of men they loved. And we must not forget the men who have also died because of the women in their lives. The time for change is long overdue. We must not only imagine how we want things to be, but we all must actively participate in changing the culture of domestic violence and I believe it starts with our children. The way we raise our children has to change. As adults, we must deal with our struggles and also protect the innocence of the children. Children should never be witness to a man beating a woman or vice versa. There is also the idea that children do not follow rules unless they are beaten. I have heard the debates about whether it is right to beat children or not, including arguments about whether it is abuse. Nevertheless, in Guyana disciplining children by the rod is the norm. But if we accept that it is okay to hit children, it raises a number of questions: Is it right for a man to hit a woman? Is it right for a woman to beat a man? How do we decide that one form of violence is okay and another form isn’t? Aren’t children human beings with feelings too? Are we to believe that the way we treat our children has nothing to do with some of them growing up to perpetuate violence or some growing to accept being victims of such violence?
Of course, not all abusers would have been beaten as children; some people are just innately evil and no matter what their circumstances, they will cause pain to others. And not all of the abused would have been subjected to violence as children. People stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, such as love, finances, children and security, and some really believe that they do not have a choice.
That being said, we must analyse the way we discipline our children and the example we are setting for them. Let us think about whether when we hit them, we are in fact telling them that it is okay to be hit. Let us think about whether the message we are sending is that if someone misbehaves, the solution is to cause him or her bodily harm. Isn’t there something wrong with that picture? Isn’t it time for us to imagine the world as a different place, where domestic violence is concerned?
What if it was a thing of the past? What if the screams we heard from women were never screams of terror because of the men in their lives, but always screams of bliss. What if the tumbling we heard when his hands tossed her around was transformed into playful pursuit. Imagine if we never saw swollen eyes, busted lips, bandages and that look of shame and defeat in their eyes, but instead we always saw beautiful smiles on beautiful faces. Imagine if all women were revered like queens.
Imagine if the voices of those women telling men that they were no good instead echoed love. What if men were never made the butt of jokes within their communities because their women made a mockery of their manhood, and they were always respected? Imagine if they never had to lower their heads in shame but could always walk with them held high because they were treated like kings.
We have reached the point where we must accept that if we continue to perpetuate or accept violence in relationships, the next generation will only carry on the cycle. The society, as a whole, must no longer express short-term outrage when a man or woman is hurt or killed as a result of a broken relationship but that outrage must be turned into solutions; that outrage must be turned into helping hands; that outrage must be turned into a collective effort to heal the society and seek justice. Silence is unacceptable.
Over the years, we have seen various interventions. The messages telling women and men to get out of abusive relationships have been heard and as a society we continue to judge those who stay. We judge those who have died. We say words like, “she shoulda leave” or “he’s a stupid man,” and, the most upsetting, “oh she must have been doing something for him to hit her.” The excuse for hitting is never valid for the option to walk away from the situation will never grow old.
Statements such as “if he don’t beat me, he don’t love me” must also vanish. The future generations must look back at those foolish words and be appalled that they were ever uttered. It is never okay to hit a man or a woman. Violence should not be seen as a necessary part of our existence, but an anomaly.
