For years, Wintress White was a victim of domestic violence. But even though her husband beat her at his every whim and fancy and she would leave him on her own or when he chased her she kept returning as she puts it “for love.”
As if the beatings were not enough, her husband also verbally and emotionally abused her and was unfaithful. They had no children together, but White’s husband’s infidelity resulted in children. However, even this did not deter her from attempting to make the union work. As a matter of fact, she even looked after one of the children as if it was her own.
But one day, years later and after her relationship with her biological son was ruined because he did not grow up with her, White decided that enough was enough. She cannot put her finger on a specific reason that propelled her final decision but maybe for her, it was time.
Today White works with Red Thread and her energies are dedicated to working with victims of domestic violence and getting communities and family members of victims involved in the fight. “We are not saying to run into a violent situation, but call the police and support them and in so by doing that you would be saving someone’s life,” White told the Sunday Stabroek in a recent interview.
“For me I want to help these women because I understand them. I look at them and I see me. You know a lot of people would look at a woman who goes back to an abusive partner and say things like ‘she stupid, she like it’ but I know what that woman is going through because that was me at one time.”
It is not that life has become so easy for her that she can devote the time and energy but she feels obligated to take this route because of the extreme violence she experienced for years, with no one to turn to.
“Where we live was like a plantation setting so I couldn’t go to nobody for help because everybody was he family. You know what, the whole of West Coast Berbice then would support him so is like me alone because if me and he get a problem is like the whole of West Coast Berbice and me get a problem,” she said.
The couple lived in a bottom-flat apartment of his mother’s house. But she said her then mother-in-law never assisted her. “I think she was kind of frighten her sons and then she lived in abuse too so it was like I should go through it to.” White said her husband’s mother also controlled her sons financially, but after some years together she assisted her husband in becoming independent and this may have upset his mother, who she believes often fuelled her husband’s anger towards her.
She added that her then mother-in-law encouraged other women her husband had relations with to visit even though she lived in the apartment below.
She believes another reason for her staying initially was the fact that she was not independent and was reluctant to return to her father’s home as he had stopped supporting her at age 18. “He told me I am a big woman now and he could no longer provide for me and that was like without any warning so here I was without any
money…,” she said. Her toddler son, whom she had at age 16, remained with her father and it was shortly after this that she struck up a relationship with the man who later became her husband.
‘Not straightforward’
Wintress remembers that her leaving her husband was not “as straight forward” but it took several attempts before it became a finality.
She recalled that she got to know of Red Thread by chance but it took her years after becoming affiliated with the organization to leave her husband. At the time, she was not married to him, but the beatings were very much present and in her quest to become independent she heard that a group was coming to her area “to give away money to women.”
“I got away that day. I put on my backdam clothes and I went and change my clothes. It was not good, good clothes but it was my very best which was as dingy as ever… And I went to the meeting only to hear them talking about domestic violence,” she said.
Even though she believed the facilitators spoke directly to her, she was afraid to speak publicly when it was time for views to be shared, even though she was cruelly egged on by some in the audience. “People who knew that I was being abused start laughing and giggling and saying ‘Winti you does get beat up you better start talking’ and then laughed but I didn’t let that get me down.” Although she did not speak out, Wintress said she always ensured she was present at the meetings the organization convened in the area.
A group was later formed in the area, not specifically to deal with domestic violence, and Wintress joined that group. She started visiting the Georgetown office for training but while she got exposed “the abuse continued,” she said.
She was part of the income generating initiative by Red Thread and her first project was to buy bananas to sell back, but one day while she was out, the man had a feast with his friends and then threw the remainder of the fruit in the yard.
“He say how he don’t have no bacoo in the house…,” she said but it did not deter her as she continued in her quest to become independent.
‘Let’s get married’
After years and with the encouragement of Red Thread members, Wintress said she finally left the man but shortly before she did, he approached her and said, “Let’s get married he guh change.” She accepted the proposal and they got married.
“Two weeks after the marriage, it was blows again so the marriage lasted a year,” she said. “Actually I did not leave the last time. He put me out,” Wintress said with a deadpan expression adding that it was after one of the worse beatings she had endured.
He had beaten her mercilessly with some glass bottles and hours after she heard what she described as a “ticking sound in my head and so I decided to put my hands in my ear and then I see blood.” She immediately visited the hospital, but she was not keen to report the matter to the police.
“Big stupid me tell the doctor I didn’t want no story. And so I coming home from the doctor and if you hear how this man behaving, telling me don’t come in this house,” Wintress said. She sought refuge in his mother’s apartment and he followed her. She was forced to hide in the bathroom while he threatened her on the outside armed with a cutlass.
She later left the premises with $200 given to her by his mother and she sought refuge at one of his relatives. She later returned and quickly removed some of her clothing and returned to the relative where she remained for a year always with the hope that he would ask her to return home, even though he had moved another woman into the house shortly after he forced her to leave.
“I could remember him coming to his cousin and I actually begging this man and this man chasing me like a lil puppy,” was Wintress’s very honest statement.
One day she decided to move to Georgetown and she started working as a security guard. She summoned him for division of property in court, but they would still have relations and she visited him on weekends. “The woman would go and I went on the weekend and as soon as I left he move her back in,” she recalled.
One morning after “a good cussing,” she decided that it was time to move on as there was nothing to hold on “and that was the end of that.” He called her once after and asked that she return “home” but by then she had adopted a daughter and she informed him that it was over.
She does not come out and say it but probably one of her biggest regrets is not having her son with her during the many years, which has contributed to their relationship being fractured. He lived with her father until her father died then with her sister and briefly with her during the abusive relationship, but he later left to live with a neighbour because of the constant abuse.
“He kind of blame me for certain things… Like I never mind he and so it cause real friction between me and him and sometimes he would really lash out…,” Wintress admitted. At present, the two live in the same home and it is her dream that one day their relationship would improve. She regrets leaving him with her father, but, as she puts it, she had to “choose between feeding him and him starving.”
