Dear Editor,
As parents and teenagers usually do, a young lady had an argument with her mother. As the mother proceeded to verbally abuse her daughter (as far too any mothers do in such situations in nations like Guyana) the daughter angrily exclaimed ‘Me feel fuh tek wan dose poison”.
The mother responded, just as angrily, ‘Wait deh me go bring am”.
This exchange exemplifies the communication that frequently takes place in relationships, and often leads to suicide. In effect, lack of empathetic communication is a huge factor in suicide, especially in Guyana.
The fact is that empathetic communication is a great way to defuse anger, create scope for dialogue and problem solving and allow for mutual respect, understanding and trust. It enables each partner in a relationship to self-express in a context free from fear, threats and eventual violence.
Empathetic communication is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. It enables the listener to receive and accurately interpret the speaker’s message/words, and then provide an appropriate, non-threatening, affirming response. Through empathetic communication the listener lets the speaker know, “I understand your problem and how you feel about it. I am interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you.” The effects include building of trust and respect; reduction of tension/conflict; free exchange of information and a safe environment that is conducive to collaborative problem solving.
In using empathetic communication the listener must be attentive, interested, alert and strive to create a positive atmosphere through nonverbal behaviour so that the speaker is neither afraid nor hesitant in communication. The listener must not discount the speaker’s feeling, interrupt the speaker unnecessarily, constantly give advice or lecture the person, criticise or condemn, but must display understanding and sympathy and let the speaker know that together the issues will be addressed.
Far too often the language used has driven loved ones to acts of violence, especially suicide. It is time for Guyanese to realise that the right communication is so essential to protecting and fostering relationships and to ensuring that no one is driven to suicide. Whatever the issue, it must be dealt with in an atmosphere of care, concern, understanding and forgiveness.
Given that the 15 to 25 age group has the highest suicide rate in Guyana and that the this age group also is significantly affected by teenage pregnancy, rape, incest, increasing alcohol and drug use and physical and verbal abuse, it is critical that parents relearn use of language that would not alienate their teenagers, make them feel unloved and unwanted, make them act in anger and/or haste or make them feel, alone and lonely. And while parents can and must draw on their own experiences as teenagers to better understand their own teens, they should not impose their views about how things should be, on their teenagers, since the issues parents faced when they were growing up and the environment of that time are not quite the same as what exists today. Most importantly, parents need to feel any pain and agony their children suffer and let them know that with their parents’ love, care and help things will get better, no matter what leads to the pain and agony.
With respect to relationships, especially if pregnancy is involved, parents must reach out for assistance to ensure that their teenagers are safe. The bottom line is that everyone makes mistakes as part of the growing up process. In fact even adults continue to make mistakes. So when teens make mistakes, parents and loved ones must understand that it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on and parents must first help their teenagers deal with the consequences of mistakes made, then help them learn from those mistakes and move on in life. And, when necessary, parents must reach for assistance if they feel that they are not fully capable of providing the help needed by their teenagers.
In effect, when that teenager stated that she felt like taking a dose of poison, the mother should have taken a deep breath, rush to hug her daughter and lovingly caution her to never ever say something like that again. A follow up, “do you know how much we love you” would also have been the right words to add.
Meanwhile, The Caribbean Voice and its partners strongly recommend that a module in empathetic communication be included at the Teachers’ Training College, be offered as an in-service programme for all current teachers, for all who man the social issues landscape, for all security personnel and all healthcare workers. The cost for doing this is negligible whereas the benefits would be immeasurable.
Yours faithfully,
Annan Boodram
The Caribbean Voice
