She was just 16 and he was 22 when he visited her home and ‘asked home’ for her (a term used in Guyana to describe when a man requests a woman’s hand in marriage through her parents).
They never dated. In fact they never spoke prior to the home visit, but he had seen her in the market and after some enquiries he visited their home and asked for her hand in marriage.
“Me mammy ask me if I like he and I say yes, you know when you young you stupid,” were Mary’s words as she described how she met the father of her three children, a man she today desperately wants to get away from.
“At first maybe I think I deh love he, but now me mind just breaking away piece by piece from he; is like I can’t tek it no more,” Mary said, and while she mentioned ‘love’ she does not mention her heart.
At 30 Mary (not her real name) tells a story of a life of “pure misery” as the man she thought was her prince charming turned out to be a monster who is constantly under the influence, who beats her, and who starves her and the children to a point where she sometimes has to beg for food.
“The last time he beat me was with a line stick and I start to bleed through me ears. I report the matter and everything, and I went for a medical and the police tell me dem coming but they never come,” Mary told the Sunday Stabroek during a recent interview.
But even though she reported the matter, it was not clear if Mary really wanted her husband to be locked up.
She expresses the wish to get away from him but in the next breath there is the wish for him to change, and treat her right and take care of his sons.
Mary’s husband disappears for days and then returns drunk. He would demand food and sometimes when there is none he beats her. At other times he returns with friends who he wants to invite into the home to drink, and when she objects he beats her too.
The young mother related that her husband’s friends would at times be so intoxicated that they would urinate in her chairs and even her husband would at times exhibit such disgusting behaviour. The woman told of her fear of her husband’s friends, as many times it is a combination of alcohol and cocaine they use and she believes one day they may want to attack her.
“It was a little alright at first, you know, we had our ups and downs but now it really get bad. He does beat me and he sleeping out in the nights coming days after. Look he lef Mother’s Day and nah come back till Tuesday,” Mary said almost close to tears.
“Sometimes it does get so bad, like all kinds of things does go through me mind; I does just want dead and give all dem children poison because I don’t know what we living for…” Mary said.
It is not that she does not know she is living in horrific circumstances, but she is unsure of what her next move should be. She is also cognizant of the fact that her husband could become even more violent should she attempt to leave.
“He tell me how he guh ‘done me dance’ if I lef he, and den other time he tell me how if I lef today he guh get another lady next day. He tell me even how somebody get a son for he…all dem things just get me more confused…”
‘Buy by the pound’
Mary does not work, and as such depends on her husband for her survival who according to her usually “pinch” the money he gives her. This means that she has to go to the shop on a daily basis since with such small amounts she can only buy a little at a time.
“Sometimes he does give like a $500 or a $1000 and I would just have to go and buy like a pound a sugar and half pound slat and a soap, sometimes even one onion. And then the children have to go to school and dem need snack so it does be hard for me,” she explained.
Mary said with three young children it is not easy and many days she does not have anything to cook, and whenever she raises the issue with her husband he becomes hostile which may result in a sound thrashing. She prays for the day when she can be given a “lump sum” of money to go to the market and shop for groceries in bulk.
“I do dem things you know…” she said quietly.
Mary and her family live in a two-bedroom concrete home which they rent, and it is sparsely furnished. She said if it was not for her relatives giving her a few pieces of household furniture she would have to sleep and sit on the floor as her husband is not interested in buying anything for the home.
“We don’t have no TV or anything, and sometimes me children does deh all about watching TV, or sometimes we does walk and go by me family dem because we does deh home just boring; dah is how we live,” she said.
Mary has worked as a domestic before, but she stopped for two reasons: persons in her community pay only a pittance and they sometimes don’t want to pay after the work is completed. Secondly, she is afraid to leave her children alone because of the environment in which they live.
“Sometimes is six tub a clothes I have to wash, and is only $2000 dem want pay me and not even dah sometimes. Is a whole week clothes dem does get and want you wash one day, and it does be hard sometimes when a hanging out, like a can’t finish and me back does feel it opening,” she said.
There are other times Mary said some women would want her to wash their menstrual cloth and when she puts it aside they are upset.
“I does scorn to wash me own, why I must wash other people own?” she asked.
However, Mary was prepared to work at least a few days a week, as whatever little she earned supplemented the family’s meagre income, but she says she is afraid to leave her children alone.
Two of the children aged four and five are in nursery school, and she has a nine-year-old in primary school.
“You see where we living is drunk people and dope people and nobody don’t look out fuh you here,” the young mother explained.
A very disturbing incident caused her to quit working.
One day Mary returned home and found her youngest child sleeping and after quite some time she attempted to wake him but the young one continued sleeping.
“Is then he big brother tell me how a boy pass and give he something to smoke in a paper, and I think it is dope make me child sleep like dah. I know I can’t leave me children alone because dem father never home and is just me and dem.”
Better environment
Mary wants help to leave her abusive home as she longs for a better environment to live in. She believes that she can make a living by cooking and selling food, since according to her she is “good at cooking” and her mother would also join her in such a business venture.
But while she wants to leave she is afraid of her husband, since she believes that he can hurt her further.
Her fear is intensified when she thinks of a relative who died at the hands of her husband. That relative attempted to leave an abusive home and was killed, leaving three young sons behind. “I don’t want to end up like she because who will look at me children? Me mother not able so I does think about them, but I know I have to get out.”
She confides in her mother and while she would assist with a meal here and there, when they have none Mary said there is not much more she can do.
“You know if I didn’t have dem children I been done gone, but I can’t go and live without me children he nah guh treat dem good…” Mary said.
She does not plan on having any more children for her husband and said she joined family planning after she was left to starve in the hospital by her husband following the birth of her last child.
“And even with the first one you know when you come home and you nursing and you hungry sometimes is nothing to eat and I use to die with hunger,” she said.
Asked if she wants counselling Mary said she longs to have someone to talk to because many times the issues are just bottled up.
“But I don’t know how to go to town by meself, and I don’t go nowhere just round here you know…” Mary said as she enquired how she could be counselled.
“I glad for the counselling, you have to listen before you learn…” Mary said.
If you are willing to help Mary and her children please email [email protected]
