“I love my son, but it is getting to a place where he would soon have to leave my house if he continues with his lifestyle. It is one of the hardest things I may have to do, but I can’t deal with the stress it is too much,” she said, obviously frustrated.
“My son does not want to follow the rules of my home so he would have to go. It is my house and I have two younger sons and I don’t want him to influence them because they look up to him. His behaviour is also causing a problem between me and my husband,” she added.
The son she refers to turned 18 a few months ago and while she said he does not follow her rules she later admitted that the young man is not rude per se, but the problem comes with him adhering to her strict religious beliefs.
We spoke for hours via phone and while as a woman of faith I share the same beliefs as she does, I tried to point out to her that she still needs to thank God that her son goes home every evening and he still does his chores.
“I get what you are saying, but the rules are my rules and he needs to adhere to it,” she said not moved my words.
“I must say that my son is not rude. Like, he does not really talk back to me, but he would say he has to live his life. He wants to go to parties with his friends and maybe he drinks, and he also wants to be on his phone late in the night. I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour in my home.
“The other day he went and put a tattoo on his hand. It was so small that I did not see it. He put his date of birth in Roman numerals and it is the parent of another child had to tell me because he told that child. When I asked him, he said ‘Mommy I can’t live my life?’
“Well he can live his life, but not in my home it is either he does as he is told, or he has to go,” she said almost in tears.
I saw how broken up she was over the child and I attempted to suggest a compromise, but she appeared unconvinced.
“Some people would tell me that I am still lucky because he did well in school and is now looking to college. And you know he does the dishes, he would clean the house and he washes the car and nothing he does I have to go and ask him to do it over, because he does a thorough job and sometimes I am proud it,” she said; I could almost hear her smiling through the tears.
“I only have sons and I ensure that they do work in the house and the two older ones take turns, one will clean the kitchen and the other the house and that is how it is done every week. But the big one really does the work good. And I try to give him some chance, you know. I know he has a girlfriend and so sometimes he would ask to go out and I would let him, but I can’t allow him to just go partying and doing all the worldly things,” she added.
I pointed out to her that when she was younger, she partied and did ‘worldly’ things.
“I know and that is true, but I did not know better. I did not grow up in a Christian home, so I did not know better. I would not have his blood on my shoulders. I know better, and I must ensure that he does better. He is now an adult and can make his own decisions but once he is in my house he has to do as I say,” she answered.
“Look as I said before I am proud of my son, but I don’t understand why he just cannot do the right things. Someone told me the other day that at least he is not out there smoking weed like so many other young men out there. And that’s true, but he has to what is right by God, that is how I brought him up. He knows the truth and once he is my house, he has to do it,” she maintained.
I asked her bluntly if she is taking this line because of her husband, who is not her son’s father.
“No, not at all,” was her quick response.
“I know the truth and I know what is expected of me as his mother and there is no other way, God’s way is the right way,” she continued.
“Look if it comes to that day when I would have to put my son out it would be the saddest day of my life and no one would cry more than me because I love him, he is my child. But I will not choose him above God. I am not saying that I will give up on him and he can’t visit my home or anything, but he cannot do certain things when he is in my home,” she said.
As I listened to her, I tried to put myself in her position because I have two sons and I wondered whether it was a situation I might face one day down the road. I again attempted to point out all the positives in her son’s behaviour and questioned whether putting him out would be the best thing.
“If he cannot do what is right by God then he would have to go,” she answered quietly.
“I know you may not agree with my approach, but you and I know it is the right thing to do,” she continued.
I wanted to tell her that I was not sure it was the right thing to put her son out, as even though he is working, he will be unable to pay a rent. I wanted to tell her that her son may not be able to buy food. I wanted to tell her that he may turn away for sure from God. I just wanted to tell her that I did not agree but I was not sure how to tell her.
“I know what you are thinking,” she said, breaking my line of thinking. “You must be saying that I am crazy or something, but I am not. We know what the truth is and we have to do what is right,” she continued.
I asked her if she tells her son she loves him.
“All the time. My son knows I love him, and you know one day he told me that he loves me but maybe we cannot live in the same house because he wants to live his life. So, you see even he knows and maybe he understands,” she said.
I am not sure about the last part but what I do know is that she loves her son and I want to believe he knows this. I just hope that whatever action is taken down the road does not fracture their relationship. I know what is right when it comes to my faith and I understand most of what she said, but I am not sure putting the child on the street is the way to go.
