“We women can be our own biggest enemies,” she said. I nodded vigorously in agreement and added my two cents, stopping her thought process briefly.
Those who know me, know that is a phrase I have used many times and unfortunately it is the truth, even though some sisters might want to disagree.
This sister, an acquaintance of mine, had just lost friends she had been close to for years and the pain she described was almost tangible. She shared the reason, but I prefer to focus on her feelings.
“It is as if somebody died for me. I can’t really describe how I feel, like I feel numb. And when I wake up in the morning my heart is heavy,” she said haltingly.
I wanted to point out to her that she still has much to be thankful for: her husband and her children are healthy and doing well, but I held my tongue.
“These are people I have known for years. These are people I shared anything with and if something was bothering me, they were the first I turned to,” she explained. “I am not saying that my husband is not a great support base, but sometimes it was if he did not understand some of the things I felt were important to me.
“I feel hurt because of what happened, but I think the greater pain comes from the fact that they are no longer my friends. There I said it, I can’t believe they are no longer my friends that is almost like saying [her name] is no longer my name,” she said, this time the emotion was raw in her voice and her eyes glistened with tears.
She was silent for a while and I allowed her time to regroup.
After a while, I quietly ventured to point out that there are still so many positives in her life and that maybe she can make new friends. Or, better yet, repair the broken friendship.
She looked at me for a while. “I can never find friends like that again and to be honest I don’t even want to try. It will take too much energy, which I don’t have,” she answered.
“And I don’t see my friends being my friends again. It is not that I hate them. I hate what was done but it is more of how much I hurt. I am not saying I may never speak to them again but right now, I can never see things being the same again.
“And you know something? It did not have to happen and that is why I said we women can be our biggest enemies. I keep asking myself why, why? That is all I am asking, and I am not getting any answers. I am not going to lie, I told a few persons, and everyone had a reason but some of them were crazy and I just had to stop talking.
“I am only telling you because you don’t know my friends and so you would not have an opinion one way or the other,” she said.
I wanted to tell her that I did have an opinion, but it was not personal because as the saying goes, I did not have a horse in the race. But I was really puzzled as to why she felt the friendship could not be repaired and I concluded that she was not giving me the ‘whole story’ which I was fine with, because I was not sure I wanted to hear it all.
I listened to her because I was more concerned about how she felt, and I know she wanted someone to listen.
“It has been a few weeks since it happened, but it still feels like yesterday and every time I think I am getting better, it is back to square one. I try to pretend all is well when I am home because my husband does not understand. For him once he is there and our children are okay then what else is there to worry about. And in a sense, he may be right but that does not make the pain go away.
“They were in my life before I met him, and they have been there all though the years. I would want to think they know some of my deepest secrets, well, not think, they do. Because I told them things that I have never told another person. But now I ask myself who I will share my silly jokes and ideas with? It was always the three of us, always.”
She was silent again for a while.
“And you know, sometimes I used to feel sorry for people who say they don’t have friends. Like, I would wonder, how could you not have friends? And they would say things like ‘female friends not good’ and how they only talk name and all kinds of things.
“I used to feel lucky because I had whole two friends who I could always count on, but now I don’t have any. I have lots of people I talk to and some I would go out with, but not people I really talk to, you know really talk. It was always my two girls,” she said, trailing off.
I had heard some of those things before. I know people who seem to have an aversion to having other women as friends. Over the years, I have had many friendships. Some have ended. Some are ongoing. Some friends I cherish, some I don’t. But I also have people who are close to me and have been close to me for years, as close as family.
I have had falling outs but not to the extent described by this sister and it could be because my closest sister-friends are still close to me.
But what I do know is that sisters do need sisters. We all need at least one friend. Yes, you might have your family and siblings, but I think it is in our DNA to have one or two sisters who are close to us.
I said as much to this sister because she had gone silent on me again and she nodded in agreement.
“You are right but maybe mine were here and are now no more,” she said.
“I don’t think I can find friends like that again and I don’t think, I know it cannot be the same with us again. That is the sad truth. Maybe if we talk in another year or so I might tell you something different but for now it does not seem that way,” she said before rising.
I knew she had bared her soul and I might not hear from her again anytime soon. In my heart I hope she heals quickly and that her friendship is mended if it is at all possible. As much as we pretend and even though we have our husbands and children, every sister needs another sister to talk to and confide in.
Everyone may not agree but that is my truth.
