“People look at you and they believe that life is just perfect that you don’t have no worries. And if you attempt to talk then they point out all that is ‘good’ (she used her fingers to illustrate the quote marks) in your life and so you should not complain,” she said with a sad smile on her face.
I must confess that even I fell into that category at one time (you know, the category of saying persons have nothing to complain about) and if this was a time not so long ago I would have thought the same of this married mother who has a good job and seems very happy.
Come to think of it, someone looking at my life from the outside may also draw that same false conclusion. Of course, I know differently and therefore I am no longer making any assumptions about a person’s life. More importantly, we live in an imperfect world and regardless of where you fall on the social stratum you would face issues; it is not the same for everyone, but issues are there for all of us to face.
But back to the conversation. This is someone I have always admired and respected and I was even surprised that she wanted to share intimately with me. She was okay with me sharing some of what she said.
“Let me tell you, many times I want to talk but I just don’t because people don’t understand. And sometimes I feel like my friends look at me differently, so I just bear it and grin,” she told me.
I nodded and she continued.
“Sometimes I do feel as if I am going out of my head and if you ask me why I cannot give you a good enough reason but it is like even though things maybe going ‘perfect’ (she used her fingers again) I get a fear that something will happen and change it.
“And then I try to get it right all the time. It is like I am in a battle with myself trying to win and ensure that I make no mistakes. And when the mistakes do come, and they always come, I go like on a downward spiral. It’s like my world is falling apart.
“Sometimes when it is too much I want to go and see somebody and talk to them but then I don’t because I am afraid that they would look at me as if I am crazy.”
I told her that it is okay to talk to someone and that it does not indicate that anything is wrong with her and even if she was mentally affected, there is nothing wrong with that. I tried to be careful not to use the words mentally ill because I was not sure if she wanted to hear it.
But then she looked me dead in the eye and asked if I had ever seen anyone.
I looked away and did not answer for a while, but I felt it was only fair that I answer because she was sharing with me.
I told her I have never done so, but that I do face issues and there are times I feel as if it is all too much for me. I added that I have friends that I speak to and that as a woman of faith I use prayer.
We sat in silence for a while and I wondered what she thought of my response and whether it might be the end of our conversation.
“Well at least you have friends you can talk,” she continued. “For me, it is like I can’t tell my friends because they just see my life as perfect. It is not like I ever thought about suicide or anything, but it is just that sometimes it all seems too much for me.”
I nodded because I am indeed thankful that I have friends who I can talk to candidly and who seem to understand. Well at least they don’t make me feel as if I don’t have a right to say that it is just ‘not okay right now.’
“And I don’t want to sometimes talk to my husband because I don’t think he understands and then he has a high-pressure job and I don’t want to stress him out. If something is really wrong then, yes, I discuss it but at times even I feel that I should just thankful for my life and just be quiet.
“Look, I just don’t want anybody labelling me and I guess I have to do like you and pray more because the first thing people want to say is that you have mental issues. But they don’t understand that life can put you under so much pressure at times that it affects you mentally. Well, I guess I do have mental issues then,” she said with a small laugh.
I understood where she was coming from. Many of us are still scared to use the words depression or mental issues with regard to ourselves and as a result we suffer in silence.
I shared that thought with her and indicated that women have to be more open about the issues we face to help ourselves and to help other sisters who are battling in silence.
“I know what you are saying,” she said, “but none of us want to be the person who others will whisper about and say we have mental problems. Far more, I think, needs to be done to help society to understand that these are real issues and talking about them can help you. But who will start it? I don’t know, but I can’t be the hero right now.
“I am happy I talk to you… You understand and you not questioning me or telling me about all the good things in my life. People don’t understand there is a time and place for everything. Yes, I know God has been good to me and I have so much to be thankful for. I have a good husband. My children are healthy and strong. I have job. We have a good house. We drive and all the other ‘good things’ [fingers are used again] but allow me to say that my world is not perfect. Allow me to say that I feel as if I am drowning at times. Allow me to say sometimes I am too anxious for things to be perfect. Just allow me to say those things,” she said almost pleadingly.
As she spoke, I felt guilty as in the past I did just what she stated. I did not understand that at times persons just want us to listen. They know what is ‘good’ in their lives, but they just want you to let them know it is ‘normal’ to say that all is not right and that they just want to talk about it.
Let us try to be good listeners for our sisters. Let us listen and not talk sometimes, and only speak when we are asked to.
We talked some more and I told her that I am always here if she needs an ear. We are not good friends, but she is my sister and there is nothing wrong with just listening. I don’t and I wouldn’t look at her differently. I still have massive respect for the person she is.
Be a good listener for a sister today.
