You might be familiar with the oft-used phrase, “children should be seen and not heard.” Maybe it has even been used against you at some point in your life. This phrase is one that speaks to the belief that children’s opinions do not matter and that in order to show respect to their elders, they must be silent. For the “disrespectful” children who do not know their place, life can be a series of challenges.
Many of our parents and grandparents can recount stories of physical and mental abuse during their childhood. Many even wear their abuse as a badge of honour, stating that if they had not been beaten and berated, they would not have been the persons they are today. I’m always sadly amused whenever this rationale is given because it usually comes from emotionally unstable persons who have toxic relations with their family and loved ones. They often do not see the clear link between their abusive childhood and their strained relationships. Child trauma has been proven to directly impact adult personalities, behaviours and interactions. Yet, there are still those who will bury their heads in the sand rather than recognize that the way we raise our children, shapes the wellbeing of our future. The rod of correction is why we have so many folks walking around with trauma that they have not dealt with and indeed, a lot of who we are today is because of the unacknowledged trauma we’ve experienced.
Last year, I participated in a training session on child grooming facilitated by Bonita Harris. In one of the discussions, we talked about how children are often seen as the ‘other’ and how parents can unwittingly groom their children for sexual abuse. Children are the ones in which abuse is frequently tolerated and justified as being necessary. We are often taught to treat them as extensions of ourselves and not as whole and individual beings. Their emotions, thoughts and experiences with the world are frequently overlooked and silenced. What this of course does is create a barrier between parents and their children and makes it easier for sexual predators to manipulate and prey on them. Many predators seek out those who come from troubled homes where abuse is usually normalized and minimized. This is why it is important that we build healthy relationships with children and stop normalizing physical and emotional abuse and stop hiding sexual abuse under a cloak of shame and victim blaming.
Way too often, we treat children like second-class citizens and this is reflected in the very high rates of child physical and sexual abuse in Guyana. National Statistics data compiled by the Childcare and Protection Agency noted 801 reported cases of physical and sexual abuse in girl children in 2018, 392 in 2017 and 616 in 2016. Similarly, cases reported for boy children were 179 in 2018, 442 in 2017 and 118 in 2016. These of course are just the reported cases and represent the tiniest tip of the iceberg. Often as is the case with sexual abuse shame, fear and economic dependency combine and see victims refusing/being forced against making a report against the perpetrator. The cloak of silence we often place over sexual abuse has kept many abusers protected over the years
A common misconception many have of sexual predators is that they are strangers in the dark waiting to pounce on unsuspecting strangers. The fact is however, they are usually known to us. Most sexual assaults are committed by family members and by someone known to the victim. But because we place emphasis on respectability and have been conditioned to believe that sexual assault and harassment are uncommon occurrences, we instinctively disbelief victims and place the burden of responsibility on them. Instead of criticizing the abuser, many opt instead to go the well played out route of blaming the victim. This of course just allows the abuse to go on unfettered. Even in cases where the victim is believed, poverty and dependency sees many of them being silenced due to fear of how it might affect them or their family. Another common misconception is that sexual abuse only happens to a certain kind of person, when in fact it cuts across all social classes and lines.
The silence that continues to surround sexual assault has affected the lives and wellbeing of countless children and adults in our society. Even those who seek out avenues for justice often do not get it and go on to see their abusers walk free. While Guyana does have a very comprehensive Sexual Offences Act, the police and judicial systems that are meant to support it are shaky at best. There are of course several organizations that work for and with abused children that have seen many abusers brought to justice and the children receiving the needed psychosocial support necessary to heal from their trauma, but most of these are centralized and limited in their capacity.
So much of life begins and ends in the home. Children should grow up free from abuse as it just normalizes toxic patterns of behaviours for them that they will go on to accept in their personal and professional lives. It is important to not only build positive relationships with children in which important things such as consent, abuse and mental health can be openly discussed, but also to root out the predators that we protect and coddle in our own families and personal spaces.
