So you have been married for a number of years and have passed the honeymoon stages of being “lovey dovey” at every moment. You find that you argue a lot more with your spouse and become easily annoyed by the things he or she does. This is normal in any marriage but we shouldn’t allow problems that arise to make us forget the reason we got together in the first place.
If a couple argues, does this mean that they no longer love each other? No.
So why do conflicts arise, and what can you do to prevent them from ruining your marriage?
Understanding the challenges
Most married couples want to treat each other in a loving and kind manner but this isn’t always the case. When disagreements arise, emotions may be difficult to control. And if an argument starts, some may find it a real struggle to resist bad habits, such as screaming and abusive speech. What other factors might cause tension?
A husband and a wife often have different communication styles. “When we were first married,” says Michiko, “I discovered that we had very different attitudes about discussing matters. I like to talk about not only what happened but also why and how it happened. My husband seems to be interested in just the end result.”
Michiko’s dilemma is not unique. In many marriages, one partner may want to discuss a disagreement at length, while the other dislikes confrontation and wants to avoid the subject. Sometimes, the more one partner pursues the matter, the more the other tries to avoid it. Have you noticed this pattern emerging in your marriage? Does one of you always seem to play the part of the discusser, and the other, the part of the avoider?
Another factor to consider is that an individual’s family background may influence his or her perception of how married couples should communicate. Justin, who has been married for five years, says: “I come from a quiet family and find it difficult to talk openly about my feelings. This frustrates my wife. Her family is very expressive, and she has no problem letting me know how she feels.”
Why work to resolve problems?
Researchers have found that the most reliable indicator of how happy a marriage will be is not how often the couple say that they love each other. Sexual compatibility and financial security are not the most important factors either. Instead, the most dependable indicator of marital success is communication and how well husband and wife manage any conflicts that arise.
Keys to success – Avoid damaging patterns of speech
No matter what your communication style or family background, there are some damaging patterns of speech that must be avoided if you want to have a successful marriage.
Having undue pride might also prompt a person to belittle a mate’s feelings. A proud individual attempts to elevate him/herself by constantly putting others down. He /she might do so by means of name-calling or negative comparisons.
Think about how you react when your mate expresses his or her concerns. Do your words, tone of voice, and facial expressions convey empathy? Or do you tend quickly to dismiss your mate’s feelings?
Try this: Over the coming weeks, notice how you speak to your spouse. If you are dismissive or say something demeaning, apologise immediately.
Remember that no marriage is perfect. There will be ups and downs but never stop communicating your feelings. Remember the old saying “it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Treat your spouse with respect, love and kindness, especially in times of hardships. Continue to build on what brought you together in the first place.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corporation’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com
