I still love my ex
Dear Minerva,
I have been divorced for 9 years now. I had initiated the divorce because my husband, who I had been married to for 5 years at the time, had been unfaithful.
What was particularly hurtful was that he had told me before we got married that he did not want any more children. He has 3 children from his first marriage, and I have none. Yet, 3 years into our marriage, he had a child with a woman he had been involved with before he met me. As far as I knew, when we got together, he was no longer with her.
I was angry, embarrassed and humiliated because I only learned about his new son when the boy was almost 2 years old. I had dropped in to see my stepdaughter at her home and the child was there. The resemblance was startling, and somehow, I just knew, and I blurted it out as if I did, but was shocked when she confirmed it.
I carried that rage with me all through the divorce proceedings. At the time I was 40 years old and he was 49. I just felt that he had misled me and made me a fool.
After the divorce, I had low self-esteem and I was very wary of men so I knew that even though I would have liked to be a mother, it would not happen for me. Mean-while, I remained in contact with my former stepchildren as we had grown close while I was dating and later married to their father.
I did not speak to my ex-husband for several years. I was very careful to avoid any events where he was expected and if we ever happened to be in the same place, I would leave as soon as I saw him.
However, 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with cancer and I could no longer see the point in holding ill will toward a possibly dying man, so I began to speak with him, and we became friends again. He apologised for what he had done, and I forgave him.
He was just recently declared cancer free. I had realised while he was ill that I had never stopped loving him despite the way he hurt me.
I will soon celebrate my 50th birthday and my ex-husband has offered to take me on a vacation to a place I had always longed to visit. It was something we had planned to do the same year we divorced. I am not sure what to do, Minerva. I seem to be drifting back to him and although the love is there, I am not sure that a life with him is what I want.
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
If you are not sure you want a life with him then the only thing you have to do is not marry him again.
As things stand now, you are exes who are enjoying each other’s company. You helped him through his illness, and he is grateful. To show it, he is offering you a vacation of a lifetime. I say, go ahead and enjoy it to the fullest.
You are not making a commitment to him by going and he probably feels he owes it to you.
If it will make you feel better, talk it out with him so that you know he has no expectations from you and that this is just a vacation; if necessary, ask him to book separate rooms. That is one sure way of knowing what he has in mind and whether he is also seeing himself drifting back to you, or if he is just being a friendly and grateful ex. Whichever it is, do not allow yourself to be pulled into anything you are not ready for. He may now be realising what a fool he was to spoil what you had all those years ago, but you have known that all along.
Timid about workplace romance
Dear Minerva,
I am a 55-year-old single mother to two wonderful adult children. I got married relatively young, at age 23, to my high school sweetheart but we separated when our children were still quite small and later got divorced.
I have been single since. You see, I grew up in a very traditional home: my first and last partner was my husband and I have not even dated since I became a divorced woman. I’ve turned down many advances from men and these have decreased over the years to the point where I don’t even feel desirable anymore.
Most recently, however, a new male colleague from work has indicated his interest in me. Like me, he is a divorced, has adult children, and has little experience outside of marriage. But he is a few years younger than me and works in a junior position at my workplace.
Minerva, it is the first time in a long time that I have felt a connection and attraction to someone. He is very respectful and understanding of my hesitation, but I am finding it difficult to not only step outside of my comfort zone but to also be with someone from work since I worry that things can easily become awkward and lead to an untenable work environment. I am seriously considering exploring things with him. There is an unexplainable desire, but I am still very fearful. What should I do Minerva?
-Single and Ready to Mingle
Dear Single and Ready to Mingle,
There are several considerations here and obviously they start and end with you. The most important is what you want from this. I hardly believe that it is just a fling or affair as it is unlikely you would be seeking advice on that; it would have been over and done with.
One of them would certainly be whether you and your colleague want the same thing. If you do not, then, as you mentioned, it can lead to an untenable work environment.
I have always felt that workplace romances are a bad idea. Some people have managed to make them work, but invariably they end and then there is not just the awkwardness, but the office gossip to contend with. In my experience, too, women in junior positions have found themselves job hunting after an affair with the boss ended. And though that might not be yours, there could be guilt on your part if your junior colleague had to leave.
I would also recommend that you carefully examine your feelings to determine whether the attraction is real or not just a reaction to being admired after such a long time. And if it is real, whether exploring it and where it might lead worth the risks you have outlined.
