The reality of turning 30 this month hasn’t really sunk in for me. For many, the big 30 is an important checkpoint in life. It is the time by which persons hope to have ticked off their lists things like having a stable marriage/relationship, a family, a career or at least a clear view of their career path and home ownership.
Passing these necessary checkpoints, I suppose, means their lives are going in the right direction. In addition, women are constantly reminded that their biological clocks are ticking, and they should consider whether or not they want to have children before their time really runs out.
Nowhere on those lists or at those checkpoints does the question of whether you are really happy arise. Ticking boxes and meeting milestones are not guarantors of happiness, even if you run around checking them off without ever really questioning whether they are the things you truly want or just what society has imposed on you.
Naturally, your body ages even if it isn’t visible on the outside. Your metabolism slows down and the stamina you once had for all night partying somehow magically disappears. Therefore, it is understandable that some people see it necessary to have all these supposedly important milestones checked off while you are still in your prime as you have more energy and resistance towards stress. But honestly there is no secret to life at any age.
If there is one thing the last 29-plus years has taught me, it is that life continues to happen. It will constantly tear you up into pieces and put you back together.
As I approach 30, there are several things that I am still unclear about that I want to share with you.
Becoming a mother
I am terrified of this role. It makes me so anxious. I envy people who seem to slip into it so casually, make it seem so easy and wear it like a badge of honour. I constantly worry that I will regret my choice and I even worry about saying this as it might make me seem less feminine.
My career
I had no idea that I would have become a teacher. It is such a long way from having a career in fashion, after so many failed attempts. I constantly question if it is the universe’s way of telling me to just move on. Perhaps it is, or perhaps I need to still constantly search for a way to belong if I like it so much.
Knowing me
I have memories of my past that I love dearly and hope to never let go. There are aspects of me that I wish to never change. I am scared of conceding to society’s expectations. I don’t want to dress differently because I am older. I don’t want to be labelled as childish because I still enjoy simple joys like wiping the snow off of people’s cars when I walk by. I guess I am saying that I am afraid transitioning to a stage where I am unfamiliar with me and that I don’t want to contemplate losing myself in society’s expectations.
One thing that I know for sure though is that no one has it figured out. Life happens and it will continue to happen. The most important thing is to ensure it happens on your terms.
