We have grown up in a society where the predominant belief is that disciplining a child means “licks.” Because many of us may have had some “lashes” when we were growing up and we turned out “okay,” we hold fast to the idea that physical punishment is the best and most effective way.
But according to thousands of research articles, physical punishment might actually do more harm than good as it can make children feel afraid of you and have them believe that violence is an okay way to resolve problems in childhood, adolescence and adulthood.
Researchers are also aware of the fact that children need limits set for them and that discipline administered with love and kindness is the most effective way.
Our children will go through different development stages and at each stage they will want to push their (and your) limits. From toddlerhood to adolescence, they will find ways of testing your patience and how much you’re willing to tolerate and that is where consistent and firm discipline is important—to let them know right from wrong and that treating people with respect and kindness is likely to ensure that they are treated the same way.
Here are some proven, effective ways in which we can discipline our children with love, respect and kindness:
• Denounce bad behaviours; acknowledge good ones: Be consistent in your message of letting your child know when a behaviour is undesirable and explain to them why, instead of just saying “Don’t do this or that.” Giving them an explanation will help them to better understand why what they are doing is wrong. On the other hand, when your child does something positive let them know and that you are proud of them.
• Speak firmly: Speaking firmly to your child but without yelling, which will let them know that you are serious. You can do this in a way that doesn’t diminish their self-worth. Always let them know that it is their behaviour that you’re unhappy with, not THEM. Finally, never stop talking to them about their feelings. Create open communication and let them know that you’re not the enemy and that you’re there to listen and to help problem solve where and when necessary.
• Employ realistic age appropriate consequences: Since our goal is to steer clear of physical punishment, we must find other effective ways of disciplining. One such way is by taking away a privilege. For instance, if your five-year-old keeps throwing their toys all over the place, you start by discussing why this isn’t acceptable and if it continues you can tell them that they will go a few hours or even a full day without playing with their toys. For a rebellious teen, just letting them know that you’re going to take away their cellphone if they continue to disrespect you will make them think twice. But warnings alone won’t do it. When you think you’ve reached the warning threshold, you must act and make the consequences real so that your children understand you are serious.
• Set a good example: As parents, we cannot be hypocritical and we must most definitely avoid the “Do as I say not as I do” approach. So if we want our children to mimic good behaviour, we must ourselves practice these. Try to never yell or demonstrate aggressive behaviour in your children’s presence. Research has consistently shown that this has damaging effects on a child’s mental health. Talking to your spouse in a calm, respectful and kind way sets the example of how things should be done.
• Go easy on yourself: Parenting is not an easy job and there are times when frustrations will build up and tensions will rise. In this case, take a time out and breathe until you’re calm. This will better enable you to handle the situation. After all, how can you teach your child to be calm if you’re explosive? Remember that if you’ve made mistakes that it’s okay to forgive yourself …now you can learn from them because you know better.
Remember that discipline is not a bad thing. It is simply setting boundaries and distinguishing between right and wrong and good and bad and it can be administered in a loving, kind and respectful way without the use of physical force.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corporation’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com