“I was almost ready to get baby and we had not marry for a very long time when I found out he was cheating, and this thing got me so sick that I end up in hospital. It was like if my life was over because you know I just got marry, now having a child and I thought life now begin.
“I had to make a tough decision and I say before he kill me and me child, I just finish it, I just say it is over because I know it was not going to stop,” she said to me.
I had always thought this mother of two, who I knew casually, was married. The day she decided to tell me she was a single parent I believe she just wanted someone to talk to. I am not sure, but this was one conversation I did not initiate, it just happened.
“This life is not easy for a single parent, but I have to try for me and my two children, one day at a time,” she started off.
She must have seen the surprise on my face as she said, “Yes, I am single, and many persons don’t know because I don’t talk about it. It is not for me to bare my struggles to everybody but sometimes I do feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
“I was like many young girls, grew up and always thought getting marry was my way out. We grow up very poor and I struggled to get a little education and for me getting married and having children was my dream. It happened. I got marry and was pregnant, but it didn’t end how I dream of it.
“When I first find out what was happening many people tell me just focus on the baby and things will get better. Well it wasn’t getting better and something tell me that it will never get better, it was one thing to make a mistake and be sorry but another thing to hurt somebody and make it feel like is me fault. And that is how my husband made me feel.”
She gave intimate details of those days that I do not feel comfortable writing about it in this space. I prefer to focus on her resilience as a woman and how even though life threw many things at her she still fought and continues to fight. She eventually left her husband.
“When I left him at first it was so hard because I had this young baby and no husband. He used to help out when he want but a lot of times it was just me and this child and I was not working for a lot of money. Sometimes I would just drink water before I go to work because I had to feed the baby, the baby come first,” she shared.
“At times it was if I was going mad, like that was the easier way out because the burden was just too much. I wanted to just run away. If it wasn’t for my son maybe that would have been it, but he and God kept me going.
“My son was about five years old when I met someone and I was not too sure at first, but I decide to give it chance. I was still a young woman and still wanted a shot at happiness. Things as usual start out nice and you know I felt that maybe I had found the one.
“But it was not to be, that man was so abusive. At first it was just a slap here and there and you know I say it will stop. Now looking back, I don’t know how come I did not leave just like how I leave when I found out my husband had cheated. But I stayed. It was like he would be so jealous and at first it make me feel like he really love me and need me. I know how stupid it sound…,” she trailed off.
It did not sound stupid to me because I have heard the same story from countless women. They at first believed their partners loved them because they were always upset when another man looked at them. The jealously at times is seen as love, the possessiveness as need. I shared my views with her as she sat in silence as if contemplating what next to say.
“At the time I just wanted it to work,” she continued, without contributing to the comments I made.
“At first, I felt like if something was wrong with me. My marriage did not work out and now I am with somebody else and things were so nice at first but then it get bad. The slaps turn to beating. Anything this man used to beat me for, and his abuse used to happen in public too. And then I got pregnant and it was like I felt there was nothing else I could do but to stay and try to make it work.
“After all who would want a woman with two children.
“So, there I was trying to do the right thing so this man wouldn’t beat me. And work was not an escape because we worked together. I couldn’t understand, this man was with me almost every time but yet he would tell me how I cheating on him. Like where would I find the time or how was it ever possible, but that didn’t matter to him.
“I knew I had to leave when one day he beat me so bad that I couldn’t even go to work the next day. Usually, he would hit me where the bruises wouldn’t show but that day it was all over and as soon as you look at me you would know what happened. So, I had to stay home. By then I had my second child, a girl, and I thought things would change but it didn’t.
“That day when I stay home, I finally tell a friend and she encourage me to leave but at first I didn’t really want to leave. It was one of the hardest decision to make. It was like if I was dying. Like my life was being rip apart and then the shame, is like I believe everybody was talking about me,” she continued.
I asked her if her former partner attempted to win her back.
“Well at first he used to like laugh at me because he would say who would want a woman with two children. And you know I believed him because I felt that way too. He would call and sometimes make threats and at work he would not leave me alone. I had to leave the job and I had to threaten that I would report him to the police for him to stop coming by me. He was this proud man so like that scare him and eventually he stop,” she answered.
“Now I am living for me and my children, never really had anybody since. I don’t know what the future holds but right now I am not really looking. I still have to deal with the two men from my past because of my children and it still not easy. Sometimes they want to support and another time they would just leave me to do everything, so it is an every-day struggle for me.”
She said her days are easier now than when she had first left her husband but there are still times when it is difficult to make ends meet.
“I would tell any woman not to stay with an abusive man and I know most women know this, but I would also tell them don’t stay with a cheating man. It is not good for you; you never feel good about yourself and it is like you feel something is wrong with you. At least that is how I use to feel but maybe it is different for some women,” she said.
I was unsure about how to respond because women remain in situations for various reasons. Even with abusive men, endangering their lives and their children’s. But we can never understand the plight of a sister by just looking in from the outside. I told her this, but she remained adamant that regardless of the situation, a woman should leave the abusive man and the cheating man.
“If it worked for me it could work for anybody else,” she said. We talked for a while more before parting ways. We have spoken several times after that conversation, but never revisited the topic.
