“The first time it happen, I can’t say I was shocked because even before we marry, I was afraid of him. It was not like anything he would say but it was always me wondering what he would say or do. So, when he slap me that first time when I asked him where he was going, it was just like a confirmation,” she said.
“He walked out and went his way and I cried myself to sleep. He came home back and said he was sorry and then wanted to have sex. I really didn’t want it, but then it was like I wanted to feel loved and then I didn’t think I could have said no.”
That one slap was the beginning of years of abuse that this mother of two endured at the hands of her husband. In the end, she managed to leave but the scars are ever present to remind her of those horrific years of abuse.
“After that day, I use to be like careful around him, well at least I use to try. And girl you would not understand how that made feel is like I was nervous and anxious all the time because like I just know he would do something, and I didn’t want it to happen.
“When we marry, I was working and every day it was a problem with what I wear to work. It always too sexy and revealing until like I didn’t even get the strength to dress no more, like I start looking at myself and feeling ugly,” she said.
“One morning I basically told him that I was fed-up because nothing I wear suit him. Well I tell you I don’t know where the backhand come from, but when it hit me is right away I taste blood in me mouth. And before I could catch me self, I felt a blow right by my eye. I can’t tell you if it was a cuff or what all I know I felt dizzy and fall to the floor….” Tears came as she related this.
“I couldn’t go to work that day. When I fell to the ground, he just walk out the room and leave me on the ground. I cried so much that day. If you see the condition of my face, all my lips were swollen and by my eye was black and blue. I cry so much that day. It wasn’t easy,” she continued through the tears that fell as she spoke to me.
“That was the beginning of the end, but it never ended until six years and two children later. It was always something I was doing or not doing, and he would always say he was sorry and would even cry and tell me that it would not happen again. But I knew deep down that it would happen even though I continued to try to please him in every way possible, but it never worked.”
I asked her that question everyone asks: ‘Why didn’t you leave?’ After all, initially she had no children and she was well educated and could have easily taken care of herself.
“Yeah why didn’t I leave? I had just gotten married to the most handsome man. How could I just leave? What would my friends say? What would my family say? My mother always told me that marriage is until death do us part. After all, she and my father had a long marriage and she always seemed very happy. I never saw my father hit my mother.
“I just couldn’t imagine leaving at first, I was too ashamed and I felt it was my duty to make my marriage work, all I had to do is make him happy, isn’t that what a wife supposed to do?” she asked with a dry laugh.
“And so, it continue. I try to hide it as much as I could, but I think people knew but no one said anything. When I was pregnant with our first child, I felt that was the change we needed, that we were really becoming a family and he would change. But when he hit me while I was pregnant, I knew it would not make a difference.
“It was hardly a year pass before I was pregnant with our second child and the blows was more during this pregnancy. I tell you I become a shadow of myself, it was like I was just going through the motions and I hated to look at myself because all I saw was a haggard unhappy woman.
“So, four years into our marriage we had two children and my husband was like the older he got the more he wanted to hit me. It was like a norm and the worst part was that he was doing it in front of the children. I could see how it started to affect them. They were always crying and just not happy children, and I think it’s then I realize that I had to leave. It was for them more than me.”
I couldn’t help but think of the many women who said they stayed for their children. I wish more women would think like her; think about the devastating effects an abusive relationship has on their children. But I also want women to leave for themselves, their happiness.
“I never reported the beatings to the police. When it was too much, I stayed home but most times I braved it and went about doing what I could. I eventually told my family and most of them were like shocked and wanted to know if I wanted to get counselling. Nobody suggested that I immediately leave him, but by that time I knew it was the only way out.
“It was not like we had much assets. We did not build a home or anything, and all I wanted was to leave with my children. One day I just told him I want to leave, and this man appeared so shocked, it was like we had the happiest marriage or something. After the shock was the rage and he ask me where I would go with two children and that I had man with him. I was afraid but I did not show it and this time around he stormed out without hitting me,” she said.
“I told him to tell his family and I don’t know what he told them, but they seemed upset with me. But by that time, I really didn’t care I know I just had to leave. And leave I did. My family helped me to move out and I didn’t really take anything. I got an apartment and I started life as a single mother. It has been three years since and we are now finally divorced. I don’t know if his family spoke to him or what, but he never attempted to hit me after I left. And apart from a few threatening phone calls and texts he has basically left me alone.
“He never tried to win me back or anything and did not challenge the divorce nor wanted custody of the children. He hardly plays a part in their lives and has moved on with someone else. I haven’t dated since and I just focus on my children. I am still young, and I know one day I will find someone but for now I owe my children to give them the best life I could.”
Later in the conversation she told me she received counselling and that her church helped her to heal.
“I never wanted to be a victim, but I was. I came out and I can safely tell anyone woman if he hits you once, he would do it again, just leave as quickly as you could. But I would not condemn any woman who stay because I don’t know their situation. We just need to support each other,” she said.
I couldn’t agree with her more, sisters have to support sisters.
I decided to focus on intimate partner violence this week in light of the recently released survey, which basically confirmed what most of us knew: violence against women and girls remains at an all-time high in Guyana. The Guyana Women’s Health and Life Experiences Survey found that more than half of Guyana’s women (55%) have experienced at least one form of intimate partner violence (IPV). The survey is the first comprehensive national survey on gender-based violence in Guyana.
“Physical violence was reported more commonly than sexual violence (35 per cent vs 9 per cent lifetime; 14 per cent vs 4 per cent current), which may be in part due to a reluctance to disclose sexual violence outside of a trusting relationship. Emotional violence, typically the most common dimension of IPV, was reported by 40 per cent of respondents over their lifetimes and 17 per cent over the past 12 months,” the survey said. The survey also highlighted that violence against women when pregnant by the fathers of their children was very prevalent. Some 92% of the women, who revealed violence in their relationships, reported violence during their most recent pregnancy. The violence was perpetuated by the father of the child, with 30% targeting the pregnancy by punching or kicking her in the abdomen.
Following the release of the survey, I listened to the call-in section of a morning radio programme and was horrified at the number of persons—both men and women—who basically blamed women for the violence and suggested the many ways they can avoid such violence. Women were also blamed for not leaving; no one spoke about our many sisters who were killed when they attempted to leave. While I knew victim-blaming is the sentiment of many (it is always the woman being unfaithful or talking back to her partner) I can’t say I was not shocked and angry at the responses. We certainly have a long way to go when it comes to violence against women, but the recent survey is a step in the right direction since data is always needed for strategic responses.
