How often have you heard the saying “opposites attract”? Time and time again, we hear people say that they couldn’t be with someone just like them because it would be boring and predictable. Sure that “magnetic attraction” might be exciting at first but is it really long lasting?
As we grow older, we might start to think differently. When looking for a partner, we tend to want someone who shares common goals and values and someone who sees the world in a like-minded manner. Surely there are good “opposites,” which help to strike a balance in some relationships. For instance, two impatient people in a relationship might not be ideal. If one is fiery and impulsive, it might help if the other is calm and collected right?
Overall, though, studies have shown that relationships tend to have a longer lifespan when there is more similarity than difference. Does this read true for you and your mate?
You might see couples who have been together for three decades and you wonder how they made it through so long. Naturally, over the years, not everything remains shiny and sparkly in a relationship and there will obviously be hiccups along the way but when you get down to what really keeps a relationship going for as long as it does, it is some form of “commonality”.
Let’s look at a few examples:
How likely are you to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who is an impulsive risk taker when you are the exact opposite? And what about you being a hermit and your mate a wild party goer? Sure, these might make for good counterbalances but how fruitful will the bonds really be in the longer term? The truth is as adults we have fully developed personalities which means that “we are the way we are.” We might be able to bend and flex to accommodate our mate but we are intrinsically “unchangeable.”
When looking to settle down, we want a mate who shares the same values and life goals. In the end, holding “one head” is what will make for a successful relationship. There will, of course, be disagreements and that is necessary and healthy in any relationship so long as we are not disrespecting our partner, of course. But finding common ground will make life easier for you both.
Now let’s look at these examples:
You are choosing to build your home. How tough would it be if your partner wanted to live in a bungalow and you wanted to live in a two-storey house? And what if no one is willing to budge? How do you move past such an important decision?
Your child is rebellious and your mate lets them do what they want so it’s a constant battle because you want the opposite. How do you manage?
Your spouse is a heavy drinker and you just drink socially and they are always home intoxicated. Is this something you could live with for the rest of your life?
So while opposites might attract and some healthy balance of the opposites is always good, finding a mate who shares more similarities with you might be a better option when you are looking for someone to settle down with.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corporation’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com
