“For me, just getting a new start is good enough. I ain’t really putting no meaning to New Year’s Day but I just happy that in the new year I not the same way I start out and for that I just thanking God. It is not like I saying life perfect, I wish it was better, but [she paused] I not sure how to explain it but I feel like I free. I just feel better about myself. Yes, that is it I feel better,” she said, speaking the last words slowly.
This sister and I had a conversation weeks after she started over and while it was a few weeks before December 31, 2019, she was still referring to the New Year because for her being where she is now is a good start for January 1, 2020. I met her through an acquaintance as she struggled to rid herself of a relationship and an environment that had done nothing good for her over the years. It took her years to get to where she is today, and it was not easy talking about it. In fact, we did not have one conversation, but three over a period.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, but then I want to talk to talk about it because sometimes even I can’t believe that I make somebody else treat me the way he treat me,” she told me at first.
I told her she did not make it happen and that she should not beat herself up.
“I say I make it happen because I shoulda do something about it from the first time. But no, it take me six years to say that I not taking it anymore. So, you see why I saying I make it happen. That man treated me like nothing and sometimes I use to wonder if he hate me or something, but yet I stay with him,” she answered.
“Imagine I working, yes I was working it was not the best of jobs, but I was working and couldn’t spend my own money. He would control everything, what I buy, what I eat, when I say everything, I mean everything. People might be reading this and say I mad and even I use to feel that way but that was how it was.
“He didn’t want children, so I never get pregnant. I don’t know if I could, but he use to make sure it not happening. He make me take birth control…” she trailed off.
“I know you and all must be thinking I had to be crazy and I trying to explain to you right now and it sound very stupid. Look, let we continue this conversation another time,” she said.
After those words she abruptly hung up the telephone and I had to respect her wishes. I understood how difficult it was for her to talk about those years. But I also wanted her to know that as a sister I did not judge her, nor did I have an opinion. I just wanted to listen and I also wanted to share her story because I think it is important that it is understood that these things continue to happen.
I called her three days later and after some hesitation she agreed to continue sharing.
“When we first meet it was good, you know. He used to treat me good and I was young, so I feel, you know, that was it. Maybe things were not right, but I couldn’t see. I was happy to move out from me family home because I never used to get along with my father. So, it was just perfect, just to get away from all the drama at home and start me own life. My mother was not happy because, you know, she said I should get marry but he didn’t want that, and I was happy to just go and live with he.
“Well from the first day he let me know he is boss and for me it was not different from what I use to see at home. I never hear me mother talk back to me father; it was always what my father say. But it was as if I was a lil child, I couldn’t think for me self. Sometimes he even use to tell me how to cook, how to shop. I had no friends, it was just me and him. He never use to carry me nowhere, work and home. I used to go to church and I just stop because is like you never get any good feelings,” she told me.
I attempted to picture what she was telling me, and I found it difficult. She had stopped speaking for a while and there was nothing I could have said to fill the gap. The silence hung between us before I quietly asked her if she wanted me to call her back. We did cut the conversation but not before we spoke some more, things she told me not to include.
“I just want to share this, but I don’t want to. I just can’t let other people read about it,” she said.
We had our third conversation the next day and I asked her if her partner was physically abusive.
“You know it was not really physical, he hit me a few times but he never like beat me. I just obey he and every day it was a different rule is like this man used to take joy in bossing me around. Looking back now I see how stupid I was and how evil he was. Like one time he make me hang up the phone on my mother because he want to talk to me,” she said.
She told me it was a friend with whom she started to share who helped her to see how unhealthy the relationship was.
“I use to say is not like he beating me every day or anything and at least he home every night because some women don’t know where dey man at in the nights. But you know what? The one time I bring up us getting marry he tell me that he would never marry me. Imagine that! And I still stay with this man, cooking and washing, cleaning and doing everything for him. He say he don’t want no children because all children does do is suck you youth and you money. But you know I say with time he would change because I know I want children.
“But things just keep getting worse and I used to be sad all the time and this cause more problems because he start telling me how I look bad and how I young but old. It was bare misery. One time he even tell me how it is hard for him to have sex with me…,” she trailed off.
Her friend helped her to get counselling and the sister said she realised that she needed to get out of the relationship.
“You know, after some months I start to see how things was, that it was not a relationship. I don’t know what it was and up to now I don’t understand what he wanted with me. Like why me?
“One day he went to work, and I just left, with me clothes, nothing else. I just left and went by me friend. I write a letter and tell he it is over. He didn’t call my phone that night but the next day he was at me work place and I tell he the same thing I say in de letter and he laugh and say how I would come back because I is nothing without he.
“Well it has been three months and I feel so good. I can now talk about it. It is not easy, but I can talk about it. He never really attempt to win me back. He call me a few times but that was it. I don’t even know if I loved him because I don’t miss him or anything. I have my own place now and I just starting over, I starting to live again.
“I am looking forward to the year 2020. I know there is new and better things in store for me. I am so happy for my friend, she really helped me to where I am today,” she shared.
“I know it can only get better and I can’t wait for the new year. I will leave you now. I am really preparing for the season for the first time in years and I am excited,” she added, before our conversation ended.
I know this sister is on the way to recovery and she has the support of at least one person. Go for it, sister! Happy New Year to all my sisters, especially those who are starting afresh in 2020.
