My boyfriend shows no interest in me
Dear Minerva,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few months now, but things have changed because one of my old school friends has a huge crush on me and shows me more interest.
One afternoon, my crush picked me up in his car and we went to an empty parking spot and talked about our futures and such like. But then it changed when he kissed me. I did react by kissing him back. It was a different type of spark, a different type of fire I felt. Since then, we have been hanging out more than usual.
There is a distance between me and my boyfriend, because of this guy who has a crush on me. My boyfriend doesn’t show any interest in me; like none at all, unlike this guy. He calls when he is free and makes sure I’m okay and such like.
But I’m so confused now that I want to break up with my boyfriend, forget about this other guy as well. My life is a total wreck now owing to my work and dealing with this issue and I find I don’t have time for myself or my family.
What should I do?
Thank you for your help.
-Confused and lost
Dear Confused and lost,
Your instincts are right. Step away from both of these men and take some time to sort your life and your head out.
In the first place, why are you even in a relationship with someone who has no time for you and does not show any interest in you? It is pointless to have a boyfriend just so you can say you have one. If the relationship is not a happy one, move on.
In the second place, you have no business driving out to talk about futures with a guy who you know has a crush on you, while you’re dating someone else. You are not being fair to either guy. If you want to start a new relationship, end the old one first.
You don’t say how old you are, but it seems to me that you are very young and not in the mindset for a serious relationship. Take a step back, get your priorities on order – family and so on, do some deep thinking about what it is you really want and then you might be ready to try dating again.
He is trying to change me
Dear Minerva,
I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now. I am 26 years old and he is 29. We have gotten to the stage where we are comfortable with each other, or at least that is what I believed.
But of recent, over the last few months, my boyfriend has been trying to change me. At first, he did it subtly, but then he became more open with his criticism and his suggestions turned into demands.
Three months ago, I got a promotion at my job. I now have an office of my own and I am in charge of some staff members. When I first told him of my promotion, instead of being happy for me and celebrating, my boyfriend simply said to me that I will now have to change the way I dress for work.
Minerva, I was shocked. I have always believed that I had a good sense of style. I don’t like suits, so I mix and match skirts and trousers with blouses and tops, or a good tailored dress with a scarf. Some-times, not too often, considering the hot climate, I wear a blazer. I always accessorise with tasteful costume jewelry. Nothing ostentatious in the work environment, but I will add big earrings, necklaces and bracelets whenever we are going out. I love accessories and would go so far as to take extras to work to dress up my work clothes if I am going to have a hang with friends after work, or if I plan to meet my boyfriend. None of this is new to him. I have always been like this since we met.
Anyhow, back to the topic. I ignored him and continued to dress the way I always have, but I began to comments things from him like: ‘That’s what you wore to work today?’ and ‘You don’t look like a supervisor in that,’ which I also ignored although it was constant and beginning to get to me.
Then about two weeks ago, he arrived with a big bag. He went and bought me three business suits. They don’t suit me; these are the types of suits his mom wears. I tried to reason with myself that he was trying to be nice and I wore the pants and then one of the skirts with my own tops. I did not want to appear ungrateful.
Unfortunately, this did not appease him, and he tried to bully me into wearing the items he bought. I finally lost it and we had a roaring argument with shouting (luckily my mom was not at home) that ended with him walking out and slamming the door.
The next day he sort-of apologised, but things have been strained between us since then. I have not worn any of the items because I had told him to take them back and stop trying to turn me into his mother. He claimed he was very hurt about that.
Minerva, I am not sure what to do now. I wish we could put all this behind us and go back to the way we were, but how do I even start? Any advice would be appreciated.
-Stressed
Dear Stressed,
Start by sitting your boyfriend down and thanking him for caring about the way you look and then telling him kindly, quietly, but in no uncertain terms that he is your boyfriend, not your stylist and you would prefer it if he did not give you fashion advice. From the description you provided, it seems to me that you are doing very well in terms of the way you put your looks together. If in almost two years, the way you dressed did not perturb him, why should it start now?
It seems to me that there are two things to consider here. The first is that it could be that your boyfriend believes you need to change the way you dress in order to project authority now that you have received a promotion. He is wrong. The way a person looks does not make her or him a better manager. The second is that it is possible that your boyfriend has control tendencies that were latent, and they are now coming to the fore because you have become ‘comfortable’ with each other.
If it is the first, then the conversation you have with him could be the way you both begin to put it all behind you. If it is the second, then he will not see reason and you will then have a further decision to make. Just so you are aware, the assertion of control is one of the ways abuse begins.
