Dear Minerva,
I am 19 years old. I met this guy online. He is 25. We chatted for about 3 months and then we finally met. We had four dates over the course of another 3 months (we could not meet often because I am full-time at university and he lives out of town) and then we became intimate. So, all in all we have known each other for about 7 months.
Even with the intimacy – it was just twice – we did not say we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I referred to him as my friend and the one time we met someone he knew, he just introduced me casually by saying my name to the person, who I later found out (he told me) was his ex’s older brother.
At the beginning of this month, he told me that he was going to be very busy as his job involves a certain event taking place next month. He said he would be unable to travel to meet me often and I said I understood as I am also busy with classes.
However, right after he told me that, he ghosted me. He went from calling me twice a day – morning and night – to just disappearing completely. He stopped calling and stopped answering my texts for 10 days. Well, after the third day, I stopped texting.
Strangely enough, Minerva, I did not feel hurt, more like disappointed. I told myself that was the end of that, even though he was the first guy I went all the way with.
Then just as suddenly, he reappeared. He texted and he called and at first, I did not answer. But then I thought, no, I was not dragged up, so I spoke to him. I confess that I did not for a minute believe his excuse that his phone had problems and was in the repair shop. I could see that he had read my texts and at one point, he had started typing a response then stopped. I guess maybe that was the repair guy, though (LOL).
Anyway, to make a long story short, I told him that I did not want to continue the relationship and that he should stop calling me. Today, I received a long email, laying out how hurt he is, how he has “strong feelings” for me and asking me to reconsider. He said he would give it a week and if he did not hear from me then that’s the response and he would stay away and not stalk me.
I decided to at least think about it, hence my letter to you. The pros are that he was/is/seems to be a generally nice guy. He was kind and caring during the time we spent together. The cons are that I am sure he lied about his phone problems. Even if it were true, he had other ways of contacting me. He could have used a computer and emailed or messaged me through a social media service. So, something does not add up. I am not sure I have the time or energy to try and figure it out. I don’t want to deal with any shady characters, which is one of the first things I said to him when we started chatting online. I am an open book and I would rather not have a secret agent, or liar in my life.
My friend says I’m being too hasty, and I should give it another shot as everyone deserves a second chance. What do you think, Minerva?
-No-nonsense girl
Dear No-nonsense girl,
I agree that something is not adding up. If, as he says, this guy has feelings for you, he would not have been able to not contact you for 10 days. He would have found a computer or borrowed a friend’s phone to let you that he was okay and just having phone issues. He would have needed to know that you were okay, as anything could have happened to you over the 10 days he was missing in action. Where was he that no contact was imperative? Under a rock? On the moon? Incarcerated?
I also found it a bit off that he did not introduce you as his girlfriend to his ex’s brother. Having strong feelings for someone means being willing to put it all out there.
I don’t think you knew him well enough before you took that huge step of becoming intimate. Because you live so far from each other and have no common acquaintances, it is difficult if not impossible for you to get a full picture of this guy. All you have is based on what he told you. For all you know, it could be a crock of lies.
It’s hard for me to say I think he deserves a second chance because I believe he is not being completely honest with you. You do not want to continue a relationship where you already know trust or honesty is going to be an issue. I think you should follow your instincts and let this be the experience you learned from. The next time you meet someone, do as the song says and ‘take time to know him’.
Need to breathe
Dear Minerva,
I am newly single, having ended a 4-year relationship that was stressful. There was infidelity throughout, which I only recently learned about. It was openly disrespectful to me. I was living with him for two years and he has a two-year-old with someone else, which means that he also put my physical health at risk.
I broke all communication and moved out. Fortunately, I have always had options regarding where to live, so leaving – the physical part of it – was easy. Mentally and emotionally, I am not there yet. I find myself thinking of the good times we had and yearning for them – the future we spoke of having together – and I have to forcibly remind myself that he was cheating on me for years.
He cannot contact me, as I have blocked him, but he keeps sending messages with friends and family as well as little gifts, which I want to send back, but I keep. Am I sending him the wrong message? Double signals? Should I just send back everything so he knows I am not going to allow myself to be caught up in his web again?
Meanwhile, there is a guy who had always been a good friend, who is now telling me that he cares in more than a friendly way but would never have said anything as long as I was in a relationship. I lean on him a lot, but I don’t want to even think about having anyone in my life in that way at the moment. Second question. Should I stop leaning on him? I mean just to be fair to him as he seems to have expectations.
Please help me, Minerva. I need to breathe.
-Stressed
Dears Stressed,
Exhale.
Give yourself some time to know exactly what you want. Don’t jump from a relationship that was stressful into another one. As regards your thoughts of your ex, that is expected. You had a relationship which ended badly, but of course you will remember the good times. You might even grieve a bit. There is nothing wrong with that.
Let your ex know in no uncertain terms that you are not considering reuniting. It does not matter if you keep the gifts. For all he knows, you are tossing them in the trash. Tell the people who are bringing the messages from him that you are not interested. Let them take that back to him.
As regards your friend and now admirer, tell him it’s too soon and you need time to yourself.
Be very clear about it.
Tell him that he is not to interpret you accepting his support at a difficult time as anything else. If he wants to wait around in the hope you will see him differently, then that’s on him.
At this point though, start to learn your own strengths. You don’t sound like someone who is falling apart – though I could be wrong.
Take yourself away for a bit. See if you can get some vacation time and take a change of scenery. It tends to give you a new perspective. Afterwards you might be in a better place to be able to figure out what you want to do next.
