MONEY can be one of the most difficult subjects for a couple to discuss. It is no wonder then that it often tops the list as the most common causes of marital arguments.
Couples who have an unbalanced view of money might suffer stress, conflict, and emotional damage. But rather than being contentious, discussions about money matters can actually strengthen the bond in a relationship/ marriage.
Why, though, does money cause so many problems in a marriage? And what practical steps can you take to make money a constructive topic rather than a contentious one?
What are the challenges?
Often, disagreements over money are not really about cash or credit but about trust or fear. For example, a husband who demands that his wife account for every cent she spends might really be saying that he has little faith in her ability to manage family finances. And a wife who complains that her husband saves too little could actually be expressing her fear that some future event will cause the family financial harm. Whatever the reason for the tension, it is important that you make your money work for your relationship/ marriage and not against it. So what can you do to achieve better money management?
1. Learn to talk calmly about money
Depending on your background, you may feel awkward when consulting others, especially your partner, about money. Even so, wisdom dictates that you learn to discuss this important subject. For example, why not describe to your partner/ spouse how you think you might have been affected by your parents’ attitude toward money? Also, try to understand how your mate’s background has influenced his or her attitude.
You do not have to wait until a problem arises before you talk about money.
TRY THIS: Pick a regular time to talk about family finances. You could have the conversation on the first day of each month or each week on a set day. Keep the discussion brief, possibly lasting about 15 minutes or less. Choose a time when you are both likely to be relaxed. Agree not to talk about money at certain times, such as at the meal table or when relaxing with the children.
2. Agree on how income will be viewed
If you are the only one who earns a wage, you can honour your spouse by viewing your income not as your personal money but as family money. If you and your spouse both earn money, you can honour each other by disclosing your income and major expenditures to each other. If you hide either from your mate, you may well undermine trust and cause damage to your relationship. You do not necessarily have to consult your mate before spending every cent. But if you discuss larger purchases, you prove that you value your mate’s opinion.
TRY THIS: Agree on an amount that each of you can spend without having to consult the other, be it $20, $200, or some other figure. Always consult your mate if you want to spend more than that amount.
3. Put your plans on paper
A good way to plan for the future and avoid wasting your hard work is to create a family budget. Your method of budgeting does not need to be complicated. If you rarely pay your bills with cash, using either electronic banking or a credit card instead, it is especially important that you have a plan and keep track of your expenses.
TRY THIS: Write down all your fixed expenses. Agree on what percentage of your income should be saved. Then list your variable expenses, such as for food, power, and phone bills. Next keep track of your actual expenses for several months. If needed, adjust your lifestyle so that you do not sink into debt.
4. Agree on who will do what
In some families, the husband cares for the finances. In others, the wife capably cares for this responsibility. Many couples, though, choose to share the load. Whatever your method, the key is to work together as a team.
TRY THIS: Taking into consideration each other’s strengths and weaknesses, discuss who will care for what responsibility. Review the arrangement after a couple of months. Be willing to make adjustments. To help you appreciate the work that your spouse does, such as paying bills or shopping, you might want to swap roles.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corpora-tion’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com