Dear Editor,
ChildLinK has recognized that children who are separated from their parents experience a lack of physical interaction which contributes to lost opportunities of forming and strengthening the emotional bond necessary for a loving parent to child relationship. This lack of bonding places a strain on the relationship and makes it difficult for the child to trust and connect to the parent at the parent’s availability.
In many Guyanese families there are many concerns on the issues of children’s separation from their parents. Parents themselves are separated (mothers and fathers) and the child grows up with one parent, missing often times a dad and the somewhat new norm we have discovered in recent times, the mom leaves the children with the father or in an extended family setting – more children are missing a mom. Many children grow up with grandparents and miss this interaction with both parents altogether and more and more children are growing up with aunts and extended family members. Some children are hardly likely to form this bond of emotional attachment to an adult in these settings and find it difficult to experience love and care. Adults, every time we interact with a child we need to listen, observe and learn. We need to take the time to understand to make sure we know how to help and provide an experience or interaction with that child that shows that we care.
A study into the epidemiological characteristics of depressive symptoms in children and adolescents whose parents migrate in China found that children who remain behind when their parents leave their countries of origin are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and other emotional and mental health problems. Children are particularly affected when their mothers leave. A study into the “Executive functions and child problem behaviors are sensitive to family disruption: a study of children of mothers working overseas”, also indicate that children from transnational families are more likely than their peers to exhibit behavioral problems.
As a result of not being able to deal with what seems like rejection or lack of care from their parents many children may become rebellious. In some of these cases, parents resort to abuse when handling these difficult situations with their children due to the lack of knowledge on how children are affected by the separation. Of course, abuse or violence is never the way to resolve conflict and will only make situations worse.
In the reintegration of children back to family-based care particularly for children living in orphanages, ChildLinK and the Childcare and Protection have focused their efforts on working with parents who have found parenting their children difficult or stressful and would abuse as a form of discipline and correction. ChildLinK, with resources from the European Union, and through its parenting skills education programme, has been working directly with parents whose children are at risk of being removed from an abusive family, to help them learn better parenting styles, how to resolve conflict with their children and how to build better and more loving relationships with their children.
One such case is Samantha (name changed to protect identity) who is a parent who lived abroad with her young daughter Amanda. When Amanda was 5 years old, Samantha had to leave the country and return to Guyana. Samantha returned to Guyana and decided to leave Amanda with her best friend to live abroad while she came back to Guyana. She kept in contact with her daughter via telephone calls. Amanda at five years old was separated from her mother and lived overseas away from her mother for close to a decade. During that period Samantha had two children. Amanda felt neglected being away from her mom and two siblings. She felt as though her mom had moved on with her life without her and she was not as important as her two siblings. Samantha eventually made provisions for Amanda to return to live with her and her siblings. This was not an easy transition and because she did not know how to cope with her emotions. She would stay out late after school and would be rude towards her mother and would tell her “you’re not my real mother” and would refer to Samantha’s best friend (who was her primary care giver) as her mother.
Samantha in an effort to cope with Amanda’s behaviour and not recognizing that there was a broken bond between her and her daughter would verbally and physically abuse her thinking that it is discipline. She would beat her and would then often blame her daughter for her abusive behaviour. “My daughter is the reason why I beat her”, she would say. Another frequent remark was “if she stop being disobedient, I won’t have cause to beat her”. What Samantha was unaware of was the loss of the bond she shared with her daughter resulted in poor communication and damaged their good relationship where she used to be able to communicate with her daughter and where her daughter would seek her guidance. Samantha however, in an effort to be a good parent contacted the CPA for help. In response, the CPA scheduled counselling for Amanda and referred Samantha to ChildLinK’s parenting skills education (PSE) programme. CPA officers counseled Amanda on how to adapt to her home and how to rebuild an attachment with her mother.
Samantha attended six weeks of parenting skills education sessions facilitated by ChildLinK’s Parenting Officer. These sessions helped her to understand the psychological and emotional effects that the separation in her early childhood have had on her daughter. The Parenting Officer helped Samantha to develop a new approach to parenting which included practicing alternative methods of discipline. Samantha and Amanda started bonding after the intervention and she noted that “my ways of doing things have changed”. The intervention helped both mother and daughter to understand each other, have better communication and a better relationship. Physically abusing a child is not discipline; it only does more harm than good. There are many parents that are struggling with parenting their children and must recognize that good parenting starts with a good relationship with your child which comes from an attachment; a bond of love, care and respect. Parents encountering challenges can reach out to CPA or ChildLink to assist in building healthy relationships and safer families for their children. Having a strong and healthy relationship with your child is key to successful parenting and teaches children many values.
ChildLinK is a not for profit organization that is working to create a Guyanese society where every child is growing up in a loving, safe and secure family and community. This article raises many questions about parenting. Please write us with your comments, questions and how you would like to get involved in protecting children in your own communities at admin@childlinkgy.org. Report child abuse by calling the CPA on 227-0979, the closest Police station or ChildLinK on 233-3500 or email: admin@childlinkgy.org.
Yours faithfully,
Shaquita Thomas
Communications Officer
ChildLinK
