My lying ex is my boss’s husband
Dear Minerva,
For about six months in 2018, I was involved in a passionate fling with an older man. I was 26 at the time and he was 48. I saw him and was attracted to him and I admit that I first approached him. He then told me that he was on a break from his girl as they were having some difficulties.
He was very affectionate and kind, very free spending as well. I began to wish for more but that was not to be. He told me that he was reuniting with his fiancée and they would be married. I wished him well and we parted on good terms.
Around November last year, I started a new job and over the last four months I got close to the woman who is my direct supervisor. We began talking about our lives and she told me about her husband and two children. I told her about my boyfriend as I am currently dating someone else. I also told her about my fling with this older guy and how I still think of him.
A week ago, her husband was picking her up as she had a minor incident with her car, and I was shocked to discover that her husband is my former lover. I was standing outside when he pulled up and I immediately recognised him. I was about to walk to his car, but he just looked straight through me as if he did not know me and had not even seen me standing there. When my supervisor walked past me and got into the car, he gave her a hello kiss while staring straight at me. That’s how I knew he had seen me but had chosen not to acknowledge me.
Minerva, I am still in shock. The man I thought was good-hearted and kind has turned out to be a big liar. He was married the whole time and has a teenager and a 10-year-old! He lied to his wife also. She has no idea what he was doing, and I have to wonder now if I was the only one or if he is still having affairs.
I feel I should tell his wife, but I don’t know how. She is such a lovely woman and does not deserve a husband who lies and cheats. What do you think? How should I go about it? Please advise.
Girl with a conscience
Dear Girl with a conscience,
My advice would be for you to stay out of it. It is not your business to tell your ex’s wife what he did two years ago or what you think he might be doing now. They might have been having problems in 2018, for all you know. I am not in any way saying that what he did was right or even okay, but that it is not your place to be the relationship or marriage police.
As you said, this is a man you approached. Of course, he should have said no to you, but that is now a moot point. He decided to have a fling with you. He established the boundaries by telling you he was committed to someone else. You knew it was not going to last, but you went ahead anyhow. When he ended it, you knew he was going back to his significant other and that obviously he was not going to acknowledge you. He was probably just as surprised to see you at his wife’s workplace. As harsh as it may sound, he likely never expected to see you again. Whether or not he is having affairs with other women is something you can only guess about, since he was not the one who initiated contact with you.
Furthermore, telling his wife could make for a seriously awkward work environment for you. What if she does not believe you? What if she knew he had a fling but not with whom because she does not want to know? Your telling her will help no one and nothing. As far as you are aware, your supervisor is content in her marriage. I would just let it be.
Am I being gaslighted?
Dear Minerva,
A few weeks ago, I came home and found my husband of two years sitting in the almost dark, texting on his phone. He was so engrossed in what he was doing that he did not hear me come up behind him, so as a joke a I grabbed the phone and asked who it was that had him so captivated.
I glanced at the screen – I admit that I did not really look long – and I saw that the conversation was with a woman. The single line I read had to do with her missing sexual activities with him. I threw the phone back at him while asking what the hell was going on and I marched toward the light switch. In those few moments he deleted not only the entire conversation, but the woman as well.
He has denied and continues to deny that there was anything of the sort on his phone. He swears he was chatting with his friend, who I know is having marital problems as the friend’s wife has been cheating on him. But I also know that I am not crazy, and I saw what I saw.
He showed me his entire phone the next day and I went through it intently but did not see anything pertaining to my glimpse that night. At that point, I began to doubt myself and therefore, I apologised to him, but it keeps worrying me.
Now that I am thinking about it, if I had seen the words on the chat with his friend, I could have thought that maybe the friend was sharing evidence he had found about his wife. But nothing. It has also occurred to me that I did not see a text conversation with his friend around the time I got home that night. There was an earlier one and a later one, based on the date and time stamps.
I wanted to ask his friend, but by now they would have synchronised their stories, so I know what I would hear.
My husband says I am paranoid when I try to raise the subject again and he has gone so far as to be upset with me, as if I have done something wrong. I feel like he is gaslighting me and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Not crazy
Dear Not crazy,
I believe you did see what you said you saw and yes it does sound like your husband is gaslighting you. Sometimes when people use this ‘technique,’ for want of a better word, it is their way of asserting control, being in charge, averting or stopping conflict and anxiety in a relationship. It is totally wrong, but it might not be easy for you to get your husband to stop or even admit that he is doing it.
There are two ways to approach this. One way is to have a conversation with your husband regarding the state of your marriage and suggest that both of you undergo a period of marriage counselling, together, as it is clear that your husband’s friend’s marriage is not the only one in trouble.
The other way is to stand down completely and allow your husband to believe that you think you were wrong. At the same time, you would have to keep your guard up and your head on so that you can spot if he is cheating again or continuing to cheat. This will require some amount of duplicity on your part. Only you would know whether that is something you can or want to pull off, but if you do, and you found evidence of infidelity, then you would have further decisions to make.
