He is rushing things
Dear Minerva,
I am 22 years old. I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for four months now.
He has been saying lately that he wants to move in with me and he wishes us to have a child together. I, on the other hand, don’t trust him because I feel like he is just saying that for his own interests.
What should I do?
-J
Dear J,
I feel you have already answered your own question in the sentence just before it. Nevertheless, I also feel it is important for me to reinforce that, in the event you do not trust your own judgement.
Four months is not long enough to decide that you want to live with someone. That is a huge step and it is not one that you should take hurriedly or unwisely. Furthermore, if two people are going to start living together then they should find a place together, or, at the very least, discuss extensively and come to an agreement about who is paying for what so that expenses are evenly shared.
People have had children from relationships that lasted a single night, this is well known. But those are usually not planned. If you are planning to live with someone and to have a child together, then there is a whole different discussion that has to take place. Finances and responsibility are just two of the things that should absolutely be discussed.
Also, as a young woman, you have to be the one to decide if you are ready to have a baby – you will be the one carrying it for nine months and then giving birth; your body, your decision. Do not allow anyone to take you down that route until you are sure you are ready mentally, physically and emotionally to be a mother. It is not an easy role.
I would advise that you take some time during this period when everyone is self isolating to practise a little social distancing from your boyfriend. See how you feel after the coronavirus is under control.
She is cheating
Dear Minerva,
I have a question for you. I recently found out that my girlfriend is cheating on me and I have proof of it. My question is what to do to such a girl?
-Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
There is only one thing to do when a girl cheats. Leave her, immediately. Walk out, walk on, do not look back.
You might be thinking that you want or need an explanation or that maybe you can forgive her. The problem with that is you will never be able to trust her and will always be expecting her to cheat again or looking at everyone she meets as a potential lover. That is no way to live.
I also want to caution that you not attempt to do anything to her, given the wording of your question. It is not your place to do anything to her, you only need to guard your own heart and the best way to do so is to walk away.
Should I prove my love?
Dear Minerva,
A few days ago, my boyfriend came to visit me like he does every night, but my mom shut the door in his face and told him not to come back until after the end of coronavirus.
I was pretty upset because I think my mom is overreacting. She keeps watching all these news stories on TV and online and she is clearly panicking. She has banned me and my two younger siblings from leaving the house.
My boyfriend and I are both 18 and are home doing online classes, which we have done together a few times, so it’s not as if he is just visiting to chat.
Anyhow, he was embarrassed and upset as well and he refused to take my calls or answer my texts. Finally, today, he told me that if he could not see me indefinitely then we should consider it over.
Minerva, I don’t know what to do. I want to go and meet him, but my mom is watching me like a hawk during the day and I don’t want to sneak out at night as I live in a kind of dangerous area. I also think that my boyfriend is being a little unreasonable as we can still talk on the phone and FaceTime.
Should I try pleading with my mom? I am not talking to her right now. Or should I just risk sneaking out to prove my love? I mean, it’s not like she is going to put me out if I just go out once.
Thanks for your advice.
-Worried
Dear Worried,
That is what your mom is, worried. She is concerned that something could happen to you, or your siblings, hence her actions. Maybe she is overacting a bit, maybe not. There are still too many unknowns and your mom is operating from a place of love and concern. The least you can do at this point is not throw that back in her face.
So, no. My advice is: take no risks. It is not worth it. Aside from the coronavirus, as you yourself said, you could be putting yourself in harm’s way if you sneak out. No boy is worth that.
In fact, I agree that your boyfriend is being unreasonable. You don’t have to meet. You can stay in contact virtually until the situation returns to normal. If he chooses to break up with you over this, it proves that he does not really care for you.
You are 18, old enough to recognise selfishness when you see it. The best thing you can do now is continue with your online classes and give your mom a break.
