“From since I was a little girl, I always know myself to be depressed. If somebody yelled at me, I cried. People noticed and the children preyed on me so that they could laugh at me. That is how I grow up and now I am trying to get rid of it, but it has been a hard and long journey.” The speaker is a 21-year-old woman.
“From childhood I was always be reserved, overly emotional about everything, was not close to my family…,” she continued.
She reached out to this newspaper after making a video chronicling part of her journey with depression. I responded and she immediately agreed to speak to me but after listening to her, we both decided that even though she has made a video, for this piece, she will be anonymous.
Opening up, she told me about being raped twice and how these cruel acts pushed her further into a darker world. She told me about how she struggled with a philandering father who was a senior member of the church they attended and how her mother constantly forgave him and allowed him to take advantage of her. She also struggled with suicidal thoughts and even attempted the act once, which saw her being hospitalized.
“It was as if everything in my life was going bad, like I never really had any real happiness…,” she said during our conversation.
“You know when I was small and was crying all the time I remember one day a teacher called me and asked why I was always crying and she told me the next time she found me crying and I cannot tell her why I was crying she would give me something to cry for.
“That was in Grade 5, and you know from then I said I would develop a new persona, instead of showing people what they said got to me, I would not cry and suck it up and insult them if they insulted me. I took that to high school. That was the persona that got me through high school. I never cried in front of people. I cried at home. I defended myself and stood up to them even though it was hurting.
“But I think not being myself affected me even more. I began to suppress a lot of pain. Because I was so young, I did not understand why I was so sad. I did not know about depression. I had never heard the word before; it was not in my vocabulary.”
Religion also played a part in her depression during childhood.
“Because I am from a religious background it was hard to speak about certain things. My parents were very strict with us and you really couldn’t talk to them and tell them certain things because the first thing they would tell you is pray about it or that you really shouldn’t feel that way,” she recalled.
It was around that time as she fought her battles on her own, the young woman said, that her sleep was dominated by nightmares. They were always about something chasing her.
“After a time, it was something that used to happen every night. Every night I used to get nightmares and it used to stress me out. It became so bad that I use to be screaming in my sleep and would sometimes don’t want to sleep alone,” she said.
Her parents became involved. They felt she was possessed and needed prayers.
“That angered me more, to think that my family would think I was possessed. Eventually my dad, he was into this whole casting out of demons and he told me I was not going back to school until the demon leaves my body. I was angry and cried a lot and then I started looking up the names of demons online because I wanted an escape. And this caused me to lose myself in darkness. The prayers were not helping,” she said.
Eventually, they allowed her to return to school but around that same time she found out about her father’s secret life.
“In first form, my mom had found out some stuff about my dad and they had an argument and he said he was leaving. But the morning he woke me and my little brother – we were the youngest – and he told us he was leaving but if we said don’t go then he would stay. I told him to stay. I did it for my little brother. He was the only boy in our family,” she shared.
“But things got worse in our household. My parents were always arguing. I became more withdrawn and I lost all respect for my father because I knew what he was doing, he was being unfaithful to my mother with many young women. It was constant shouting in my house and then when I went to school, I had to face battles there as well.”
It was then she developed mood swings and according to her, “I could be happy one time then suddenly I was sad or upset. I also developed trust issues and thought everybody was against me. I started crying a lot again, but it was not helping.”
She said that around that time she watched a movie about a young man who was involved in self harming by cutting himself and he explained that it was better to feel the pain on the outside instead of inside.
“One day was very depressed and I took a surgical blade and cut my hand and it was like better to feel the pain on the outside. From then it was one of was one of the main ways I found relief from the pan. I did it whenever I was sad and then eventually I did it when I was upset, then when I was disappointed and by then I stopped feeling anything. At that time, I was suicidal; every time I woke up, I would cry and ask God, why did you allow me to see another day? I used to cut my left hand most,” she grimly revealed.
Eventually a friend noticed, a teacher was notified, and her parents were called in.
“But they were more concerned about themselves. My mom always forgiving dad for the things he did, and he was always looking for another girl. I always somehow found out what he was doing, and it was like he got upset and was attacking me, every opportunity he got he was on my case,” she said.
“One time I heard him on the phone, and he was telling the person he lived with his uncle. He lied and disowned his entire family. He basically disowned us, and you know that stuck with me and that is when the hatred for him and my family and the hatred for men in general developed.
“He also began lashing out at my brother and his actions kept getting worse and I began to blame myself because I was the one who told him to stay. I also began to lash out at home. I would yell and be mean with my words. At school, my friends would see the brands on my skin because he use to beat me…
“I still did not have a good relationship with my family; I did not have a good relationship with my sisters. I looked forward to the few friends I had at school and after a time the longer I stayed at school I felt better. At home I would be in the backyard or in the room by myself.”
Her parents did not allow her to own a cellular phone, but a friend lent her one and she created a Facebook page unknown to her parents. It was on that medium she met one of the men who raped her.
The first rape was perpetrated by a member of the disciplined forces who had agreed to be interviewed by her for an assignment she was doing. “After we finish [the interview], it was my cousin’s father, he told me that I was a bright girl and that he want me to be a good influence on his daughter. It was late and he told me he was dropping me home but instead he took me to a lonely place and raped me. It was horrible but when he dropped me home is like I couldn’t tell nobody, not even my mother. I just went in my room and cried,” she said.
About a year later, she was raped again and this time her family found out, but it was never reported to the police.
“I felt lost and it was like I had no reason to live. One day I was home with my little brother, and I drank some tablets. But he found me and called out to our neighbours and they rushed me to the hospital. My father was more upset because people said I did it because he molested me. He didn’t sexually molest me, but he helped to get me to where I was,” she said.
Today this young woman still lives with her family and when I asked her about her father, she had this to say: “I think he is a better man now. He changed. I am still struggling to respect him, but I think he is trying…”
She is being counselled and is also seeing a psychologist and furthering her education.
“It is not over for me but I am trying to do better and I just wanted to tell my story [her reason for making the video] because I know there are many young girls out there who are struggling too and may need help. If I could be where I am today, they could do it too. I will try to move on and make something of my life,” she said quietly.
Our conversation was over the telephone and she told me many things that I did not include in this piece for fear of her being identified and also out of respect for her. This sister is a far way from being healed but the process has started, and I wish her all the best.
