If it’s one thing society continues to do, it is the excusing of violence and sexual predation against women and girls. Perpetrators are coddled and defended while the survivors of their varying assaults are doubted, ridiculed and attacked. Victim blaming responses are never surprising, but it is always sad. What these responses signal to other survivors of sexual and physical violence is that their stories of abuse will be met with doubt and hostility. This is dangerous as it results in many victims continuing to suffer through their abuse silently and it all but ensures that the violent sexual predators amongst us are allowed to continue their predation with impunity.
The trauma faced through experiencing physical and sexual assault runs deep and has lasting impacts on those who experience it. While many wish it were something that can easily be left behind, this is not the reality. Many survivors find themselves experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder where they constantly relive traumatic incidents, lose interest in things that brought them joy or exist in a hyper anxious state all the time. The responses of victims vary and are often very different from what we have been thought to expect. The response of some victims of sexual abuse can often see them continuing or beginning a relationship with their abuser so as to deal with the lack of control they would have felt during the assault. The belief is that if they can conceptualize it as a relationship, then the assault did not happen or they would be able to regain the control they felt they lacked during their assault. For some too, they do not want to acknowledge that they were victims and would maintain that it happened consensually as it is someone they know and trust. Given how we have been thought to think of victim responses, to continue to see one’s abuser might seem like a strange reaction. This however is not rare it is textbook.
There has always been the expectation that once someone has been victimized that they will come forward right away, the reality however is that our culture does not make this easy. There is always the fear about whether one would be believed, whether they would be blamed, whether the abuser would be given a free pass. For some too, it takes years before they even realize that they were assaulted. Coercion and gas lighting are wieldy tools in the hands of abusers and many victims often have no idea what has happened or is happening to them. This form of psychological control can severely inhibit someone’s capacity to make informed and free choices as one partner systematically dominates the other. It does not help that so many of us have grown up in violent homes or communities where explosive tempers and/or cloying manipulation are seen as the norm. We are after all, shaped by our environment.
There has always been a frightening normalization of violence against women and girls that frames it as “bedroom” or “man ‘n woman” story. This invalidates the trauma women go through and further puts men in a position to continue their violence unchecked. The majority of people you will see sharing these warped views are men – women are not exempt from sharing this belief but this is a symptom of internalized sexism that we must all outgrow, although some of us never do. The men who are always so quick to stand righteously alongside their abusive brothers are often abusers themselves. It is not necessarily a fear that to call out or hold abusers accountable will result in their own sordid stories coming to light; rather, it is awareness that even if it does, they too will be coddled and defended. The woman is always to blame.
I do however appreciate men who wear their misogyny on their sleeves; they mark themselves as dangerous persons to be condemned and avoided. What I am wary of are the faux self-righteous men, those who preach from their pulpits of morality while they practice evil in the shadows. These men often put up a big performance about standing for women’s protection and liberation, but their individual life actions paints an entirely different picture. These men abound in women’s spaces and movements and it is usually hard to see them for what they are given their public posturing. They sling on the cape of concern when it suits their professional goals or their personal ones of preying/seducing women and girls. This cape is intentionally donned to avoid having the label of violent predators placed upon them so that they are free to perform optical allyship. This is done through attempts to rescue women and becoming the spokesperson for women’s issues while the women, who are unfortunate enough to come across them, suffer from their brutality. These men are particularly dangerous as they utilize an alter ego smokescreen for their predation so as to get closer to and victimize vulnerable women.
Men interested in moving beyond pretensive concern must begin by acknowledging the privileges and unequal gender power they have been born into as a result of the patriarchy. They must address their sexist behaviours, their predatory actions, their abuses and their unaccountability to women and girls they have harmed and those they continue to harm. They must commit to the life’s work of growing from their impulse to dominate. This unfortunately, rarely ever happens.
