Because we are humans and not robots, we will encounter differences and disagreements in our various relationships and how we deal with them as they crop up will determine the success or failure of those unions.
Let’s examine some common scenarios: You enjoy sports; your spouse would rather read. You are meticulous and efficient; your spouse is quite disorganised. You love to socialize; your spouse prefers privacy. ‘We just aren’t compatible!’ you tell yourself. ‘Why didn’t we notice that when we were dating?’
It is likely that you did notice it, at least to a degree. But back then you were probably quicker to make concessions—a skill that you would do well to revive, now that you are married. This article will help you do that. First, though, consider some facts about supposed incompatibilities.
What you should know
Some differences are serious. A big part of dating is determining compatibility. Hence, when serious differences are discovered while dating, many couples break up rather than unwisely entering into a polarized marriage. But what about less serious differences—the kind that are unavoidable in any marriage?
No two people are completely alike. Therefore, it is normal for spouses to have differences.
In terms of personality traits, you might be reserved, while your spouse is expressive. “I grew up not talking about my personal problems,” says a husband named David, “but my wife came from a family where everything was discussed openly.” Bear in mind that differences can be beneficial. “My way might be good, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way,” says a wife named Helena.
What you can do
Be supportive: A husband named Adam says: “My wife Karen has zero interest in sports. But she has come with me to several games and has even cheered along with me. On the other hand, Karen loves art museums, so I go with her, and we spend as much time there as she wants. I do my best to show an interest in art because it’s important to her.”
Expand your view: Your spouse’s outlook on things is not necessarily wrong just because it is different from yours. That is a lesson that a husband named Alex learned. “I always felt that a straight line is the shortest way from point A to point B and that any other choice would be deficient,” he says. “But being married has helped me to realise that there are many ways to get from A to B and that each method is effective in its own way.”
Be realistic: Being compatible does not mean being identical. So do not conclude that your marriage was a mistake simply because a few differences have become evident. “Lots of people fall back on ‘I was blinded by love,’” says the book The Case Against Divorce. However, it also contains this astute observation: “Every day you spent together happy shows that despite whatever innate differences you have, you can love each other.” Try to “continue putting up with one another,” even if anyone has a cause for complaint.
Making notes of the positives: Write down what you like, love, and find compatible about your spouse. Then write down the things that you find incompatible. You may find that your differences are less serious than you think. The list will also reveal where you can be more tolerant or supportive of your spouse. “I appreciate it when my wife adjusts to me, and I know she appreciates it when I adjust to her,” says a husband named Kenneth. “Even if it means a sacrifice on my part, seeing her happy makes me happy.”
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corpora-tion’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com
