Dear Minerva,
I am 29 years old. There is this beautiful young lady who I have loved for over 10 years as a friend and I want to take it to the next level.
I have often told her that I love her, and I would like to have a serious relationship with her, but she never answered me. We share secrets and we trust and believe in each other as well. We have faith and understanding in each other too.
I was on a six-week course outside the country and when I returned, I took her on a dinner date and asked her to be my future wife. Her reply to me was “The reason why I wasn’t giving you a chance to have a serious relationship with me is your job.” When I asked what about my job, she said that one day I would leave to go to work and never come back home and that would hurt her because she does not want anything to happen to me.
I was like, ‘Okay I now get it,’ because my job can be considered dangerous, but I could be there until retirement and nothing happens.
I have tried everything to have this girl. What more can I do? I want to be more than a friend to her. So, I am asking you for your generous support on this one. I will be thankful and grateful for your help.
Worried
Dear Worried,
As much as you might not want to consider this, there is a real possibility that the love is all on one side – yours. It is likely that the young lady does care for you, but not enough to move beyond the friendship you now have.
I think that you should desist from the grand, romantic gestures and have a serious talk with her. Someone’s job is the most questionable reason for not accepting a marriage proposal or an offer for a serious relationship. There is also the danger that either of you could step out on the road on any given day and get run over by a car. Would you stop pursuing her if her job meant she might not come home one day? You wouldn’t.
I think you need to ask her to tell you straight if you have a chance with her and if not then you should start to look elsewhere for a life partner. There is nothing else you can do. As much as you want to be more than a friend to her, it has to also be about what she wants.
Who gets the friends?
Dear Minerva,
When two people get divorced, they split their possessions and sometimes custody of the children, but who gets the friends?
I ask this question because I am friends with a newly divorced couple and the ex-wife is demanding that I no longer speak to her ex-husband, but he is close to my husband so it would be very awkward for me.
These two people should never have married. They are not compatible in the least and only had passion going for them, I would not even call it love. They lasted three years, but in the last 18 months, maybe longer, they were horrible to each other.
Thankfully, they did not have any children. She has moved on, really moved on as in is about to get married again. The divorce was granted maybe six months ago. But she is still checking on him and asked me certain things. When I refused to tell her, she became angry and accused me of being on ‘his side’.
Minerva, I am on no one’s side. I was glad they divorced as they were destroying each other, and they are both nicer people apart. She is now saying I need to decide whether I am her friend or his, which is insane as we have all been friends since school days. I would hate to lose a friend this way. What can I say to her to make her see sense?
Irritated
Dear Irritated,
You can tell her just what you told me and add that she needs to completely move on. You should also let her know that you were not part of the divorce settlement so you can choose to be friends with both of them.
Let her know that since you have always been friends with both of them it is unfair for her to ask you to end your friendship with him just because they are divorced. Assure her that you will always ensure that their paths do not cross if that is what she wants, but you cannot spy on a friend for her and should not be asked to end a friendship either.
It appears to me that the ex-wife could use a good dose of maturity as she navigates her new life, particularly since she is looking to get married again.
