“I don’t mind. It just become like a norm for me. I know I have to do it, so I get it done. I can’t allow her to suffer. It is my mother and I have to do what I have to do,” she said as she cleaned and changed the woman she calls mommy.
It has been weeks since she became the primary caregiver for her mother who is now bedridden. She has siblings, but she has the responsibility to take care of their mother, a role she has taken up without complaint.
“I would not lie: sometimes it can get to me. But I would just close my eyes and say a prayer and then go at it again. The others help in whatever way they can help, but I am home, so I am the best person to take care of her,” she told me.
I asked the mother of one if she thought it was fair, since her mother has other children.
“I can’t look at it that way. They have to work, and they can’t leave their work and come and look at her. If that happen then who would support them? When they get time, they would come and help and they give whatever little financial help, but that is how it is,” she answered.
“I sure my mother don’t want to be like this. She can’t even carry on a conversation so at times I would feel so sorry for her and just do the best I can. But I would not tell you it is easy. I have to feed her and clean her and everything. She cannot do anything for herself. So, it is a struggle and it is hard, but I have to do it,” she continued.
“Some days I don’t feel like getting up, but I have to. The Bible says we should honour our parents and I have to do my part,” she told me after a long pause.
I asked her what a typical day is like for her since she has taken over the responsibility of caring for her mother.
“Well I would not say day, I would say day and night. Because in the night I would get up to check on her. I check to see if she might have full the pamper and wet the bed. In the morning I will get up and prepare breakfast and then I would clean her up and feed her and ensure she is comfortable. I do my normal chores, but I would keep checking in with her to see if she wants water or anything. Midday it is lunch and then maybe in the afternoon a snack before I have to tidy her and give her dinner in the evening,” she shared.
“I don’t see it as a burden to take care of my mother, but it is still hard at times,” she added.
I asked her if she has close relationship with her mother.
She paused for a while before she answered as if she wanted to be sure she said the right thing.
“It is complicated,” she said, laughing.
“I know it sounds strange, but I am not sure how to describe it. My mother and none of her children really have a close relationship. It is not that we hate her, but we are not close. If we are to look back at our childhood, I know we all would find good reasons and even after we became adult, we would find good reasons to say we not doing anything for her.
“But we have to honour her, she is our mother and I would have to be heartless to leave her to suffer. That is not something anyone of us could do,” she said.
“And if I don’t do it then maybe we have to put her in a home and that I cannot allow. So, I have to look her after I don’t know for how long, I just have to do it. Even though it hard, if sometimes I think about her not being on this earth anymore I get very sad and I ask God to forgive me for thinking like that. But I know she can’t be happy like that either, so that make me sad too,” she said.
“I know there are times when I would have to take a break, but for now I am taking it one day at a time. I just doing what needs to be done,” she added.
“I would advise anyone that once you can, no matter what relationship you had with your parent, once you can do it, take care of them. You know there is a saying once a man, twice a child, so we all would get old and while not all of us, some of us will need help and if we don’t do it for our parents how can we expect our children to do it for us?
“I always say if I get old and have to be fully dependent, on someone else I would ask to be taken out of this world, but that is not up to me. I might just have to be there and somebody taking care of me. So, we have to do what we have to do. It is the right thing to do,” she told me.
I could not agree with her more, it is never easy taking care of someone else, but we have to do what needs to be done. Some are fortunate to have trained persons visiting their homes and taking care of their parents and I believe that it is the best option. But many can ill afford to do this.
It will be a struggle, but we have to do what is right, as the sister said earlier. It is the right thing and we should do what is right.
I know caring for elderly parents is a reality that most of us will face but we would never be fully prepared for this. We often have to grapple with it financially, emotionally, and physically.
There are some useful tips on this website: www.sonashomehealth.com.
We first should be prepared for change as it was noted that the most important (and difficult) aspect of caring for elderly parents is understanding and accepting change. You should be prepared to ask for help when you need it as taking care of an elderly parent can be a full-time job and one should not be afraid to ask for help when needed.
Ensure you maintain your physical and mental health and to do this you should take breaks, delegate tasks to others and take time to rejuvenate.
It is also advised that one should get training if it is needed and to keep your parent in the loop as they still need to have a say in what happens in their lives, that is, of course, if they are lucid. As much as you can as well, ensure you live your own life. Being your parent’s caregiver is not all you do, remember you are wife or a mother, you may still be working, you have friends. Try as much as you can to do things outside of caring for your parent.
