Dear Minerva,
There is this guy who has been in my life for quite a long time. We are both in our forties. We attended the same high school and were good schoolmates during that period. After high school we lost touch but then reconnected through our in-laws. We had unknowingly married into the same family as our spouses were cousins.
Today, we find ourselves both divorced, single, and childless and we talk quite often. Originally, we talked about our experiences – both were pretty bad – but we now talk about every and anything and advise each other on job-related and personal stuff.
Here’s the thing, Minerva. Although I really enjoy our conversations to the point that I miss him when we cannot catch up, I do not think I am physically attracted to this guy. Never, in all the years we have known each other – decades actually – as it has been about 30 years, have I ever seen myself with this guy.
Therefore, I would have to say that he is a very good friend. Still, it sometimes feels like more than that. He is very caring and generous, thoughtful as well and can easily converse on a wide range of topics. I have dated a few times since my divorce and found the men either boring or completely self-centred. None can hold a candle to him.
He knows I have been on dates as we talk about anything and everything and although he has never said anything, I sensed he was not pleased. As far as I know, he has dated only one woman and ended it because she was just too much like his ex, according to him.
Now he has said that he has something important to ask me and wants to do it face to face. We are not scheduled to meet for two weeks as we both have pressing work commitments. I believe he is about to ask me to take our friendship further. I am not sure what my answer should be. It is a dilemma. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I don’t want to keep him hanging either. It would not be fair.
What should I do, Minerva? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
– At a loss
Dear At a loss,
At this point, it seems to me that you are putting the cart before the horse. While you might be right about what this guy appears to want to ask you, what if you’re not? What if he wants your advice on another subject altogether? Maybe someone new he is looking to date? I mean, you have to admit that you could be wrong.
However, in the event that he does want to ask you to deepen your relationship, you do not have to answer right away, do you? You can tell him you need some time to think about it – and you really do need to think about it.
You said you do not think you can see yourself with him, yet, reading between the lines, it seems that you cannot see yourself without him. You believe there might be no physical attraction on your part, but obviously there is cerebral attraction. You really have to ask yourself honestly what it is you want out of a relationship at this stage in your life.
I will assume you already had passion in your marriage, so you know what that is like. Your friend, if your assumptions are correct, appears to be offering companionship and dependability, perhaps even love. However, only you can know what is important to you. Search your heart; your answer to him should be based on what your heart truly desires.
