We know that death must come to us all but it’s never usually something we can readily accept, especially when it hits close to us, such as the death of a close friend, or a relative, or perhaps most dreadfully one of our own children. As a parent, our one wish is to see our children grow into beautiful and productive adults. We hope that they will be the ones to look after us in our old age and that they will be the ones to bury us rather than the other way around. For many of us, our worst nightmare is the idea of losing our children, especially if they are young, healthy and with their whole lives ahead of them.
We may ask, how could we possibly find comfort and consolation at such a time? Will we ever get over this death? The answers are never very straight forward as each person will react differently to death and grieve in their own way. Grief can come in many forms and does not have to follow a linear pattern. Grief usually takes the form of a variety of emotions, including sadness, anger, denial, guilt and frustration, just to name a few. And because we are all different, we will grieve in different ways and there is no timeline. Some people grieve for weeks and others for years. And no one ever really “gets over” death, they just try to find ways of coping, particularly in the case of the death of a child.
Here are a few ways in which many people have been able to cope:
Getting answers: If your child has died a sudden death, like in an accident, robbery or murder, you will be hit especially hard and you will want answers. While you may never have all your questions answered, it is important to understand at least the “who”, “when” and “how”. Getting these answers is a part of the grief process and will allow some sort of closure.
Let the memories comfort: Remember the tender times you shared with your child. Look back on old pictures and videos and find comfort in the positives they left behind. Allow your heart to be brightened by the happy memories and the good times you shared together.
Love your other children even more: Even though you may have lost a child, remember that you may have others who still need you. Grieve together with them while reminding them how much you love and appreciate them. Let them know how much you appreciate their support and be their shoulder to cry on because they may also be hurting.
Express emotions freely: Find time to talk about your feelings either with trusted friends or a therapist. Sharing the way you feel will help you more than you can imagine. Cry when you want to cry, scream when you want to scream but let it out because bottling up emotions will do you no good. If you find it hard to speak, then keep a journal and write your thoughts, especially if you feel like there were things left unsaid.
Spiritual guidance: If you are religious and find comfort in turning to God, then do so as long as it brings you peace of mind.
Show others love: Losing a child doesn’t mean you have lost your ability to ever love again. On the contrary, you can brighten up your days by doing good deeds and showing love and kindness to others. Doing this will make you feel purposeful and productive.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist at the Georgetown Public Hospital Corporation’s Psychiatric Department. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com
