Shame is unpleasant and uncomfortable. It can fill you with so much humiliation that sometimes if feels better to just ignore the incident that has caused it. Even after many years of therapy, I sometimes I get paralyzed by it, failing when it comes to taming the beast.
These days I have been feeling a considerable amount of shame. The source has been mostly associated with race relations and how I have been a dangerous, silent bystander. I think a lot about my lack of reaction to past incidents and I feel an immeasurable amount of shame at what I view as my complicity. It is hard to stay silent in these times and even harder to do so while managing your own shortcomings.
Nevertheless, shame like anger, happiness and every other feeling is worthy of being expressed. I have found the following strategies helpful in countering shame:
Acknowledge it
According to Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, “the less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives.” We must make a conscious effort to speak openly when we associate incidents with shame. We must grow to see it as an emotion that everyone experiences. Speaking honestly and openly I have always found to be the greatest forms of stress relief. Unloading stress, like any other feeling, removes the protective layer that cuddles and fosters shame.
Mind map the source
Shame doesn’t exist on its own. It is always related to something else. Very often, the issues that shame are associated with are taboo. And thus, offloading the history behind the source of the shame is important. It is also critical to have the person you are offloading to on the same page as you are. Feeling comfortable when you offload is as essential as acknowledging it, as it prevents you from being further ridiculed for the incident associated with your shame.
Trigger temptations
There will always be triggers everywhere you go. Understanding and acknowledging these triggers, however, will play a critical role when it comes to fully understanding shame and being mentally healthy. It you are aware of your triggers, call them out for exactly what they are as it helps you to form a more clearer reflection process and by extension make more rational decisions.
