Once a pastor’s wife, Carlotta Boodie is well aware of how rampant domestic violence is in the faith-based community and of the fact that many times victims are not given the support they need. Now, the therapist and survivor of domestic violence is on a mission to shine a light on family violence in the faith-based community.
“In my experience, I was silent for a long time and there are maybe three incidents in my mind where I tried to get help… I remember one it was an elder and I had left my marital home and he said no you have to go back because that would show very poorly on the rest of us, on the denomination, on the other ministers. So I found that I couldn’t get the support I needed. I couldn’t get the help that I needed. I felt as though I didn’t matter,” Boodie told Stabroek Weekend candidly in a recent interview.
For the month of October, which is recognised in the United States as domestic violence awareness month, she has partnered with Rev Rudy Prescod to have virtual conversations every Friday targeting the faith-based community.
Boodie is a trained therapist and has her own organisation, Healthy Relationship Imperatives, through which she has partnered with Rev Prescod’s Soul Tings to have the conversations under the tagline ‘Faith in focus, shining a light on family violence’.
Boodie, who has worked for some years in the area of gender-based violence, and specifically domestic violence and human sex trafficking in the US where she lived for many years, only returned to Guyana in 2018. She is currently based here, and Rev Prescod is based in the US.
The conversation started on healthy relationships followed by faith intervention with faith leaders and the intersection of faith and family violence. Her focus on women was only done last Friday while men will be engaged next Friday.
Boodie, underscoring the importance of having Rev Prescod as part of the initiative, explained that even though she is a woman in ministry, at times she needs a credentialed person in order to be allowed to speak to the faith community. The reverend, she noted, has a heart for social issues.
Her own experience was motivation for her to reach out to women in ministry who suffered in their faith community and she is now very intentional about advocating, creating space, and giving hope to men and women who are still living “lives that are filled with sadness and violence and despair and are silent.” She wants them to know that there is another reality that is possible and there is support and that they are not alone.
“A lot of times you can’t believe that there are other people who experience this unhealthy, this toxic kind of relationship because it is contrary to your scriptures. It is contrary to your belief system… and so a lot of people think that something is wrong with you and only you and because of the hush, because of the silence, people don’t realise the prevalence,” Boodie said.
She added that the reality is that a lot of people just show up to where they have to be and do what they have to do. Using herself as an example, she said even though she was being abused she showed up “with my best self” and did everything she needed to do and disassociated herself from the reality of the abuse.
“I know a lot of people would say this family is just amazing, but really it is the masks that we wear because we still need to take care of our children… We still have to show up and a lot of time people don’t realise they are not alone that the people in the fancy house are experiencing the same thing.”
Talking about how she walked away, Boodie said she found the strength with the help of a small community of women who stood by her and who “just supported and lifted me up when I couldn’t lift myself”. Having been helped on the journey of validity and hope, she believes she is called to do the same for others.
Boodie said it was after she started to work for the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Council in the US Virgin Islands that she got to understand more about what domestic violence really is. She said while she had worked in the church for many years and had many women of faith and in ministries talk to her about their issues since she was a pastor’s wife, she never knew the term domestic violence. “I just knew it was unhealthy, it was toxic. I knew it was not Christian, like but then I knew what it was…,” she added.
Paralleled
Boodie said that while reading for her Master’s in Psychology she did her thesis on the response of Christian faith leaders to intimate partner violence in their community and the research suggested that the prevalence of domestic violence in the community paralleled the wider community.
She said her experience and also that of Rev Prescod is that people in the faith-based community suffer domestic violence but it is “hushed up” and she said this is what has been coming out in the conversations as one participant noted that it is taboo as leaders are more interested in protecting the image of the organisation.
The attitude portrayed is “for us to pray about it and remain silent and hope for the best”, she added.
Importantly, there have been aspects of the conversation directed to leaders in the community informing them about domestic violence and how they should respond.
Last Friday’s conversation was for women only and Boodie hoped the women were provided with a ‘brave’ space to share their experience and understand that they are not alone.
“This happens to a lot of people and we hope to give a voice to people because for so many people their stories are untold because of the silence, because of the shame, because of the stigma, people blaming the victim saying, ‘So wha you do de man’… We don’t necessarily address the perpetrator and say ‘Your behaviour is unacceptable, it is criminal, and you should stop…,’” Boodie said.
Instead, she said, the focus is always on the victim and she hopes that the space provided gave some victims hope and for them to just talk about what they felt, how they survived and what they want going forward.
Boodie also pointed to the fact that violence is not only physical; perpetrators can be abusive through their language, and threatening through their actions. Isolation of partners, she added, can also be part of domestic violence. As a result, she said, they are very careful when having the conversations and encourage people to check in with themselves as they may be abusers as well.
During the conversations, Boodie said, there are other therapists online to provide support and information to those who need it, and local and international numbers are also shared that persons can call for support. Many of the persons tuning in are from Guyana and the US and there are also a few persons from some Caribbean countries.
The conversations will continue after this month expires and Boodie said they hope to have customised programme for communities wherever it is needed once these are allowed within the COVID-19 pandemic. They have also encouraged persons to reach out to the health and faith-based communities and invite them to virtually give assistance. In-person sessions are also available once the pandemic protocols are followed.
Speaking directly to faith-based leaders, Boodie said that domestic violence hurts, it is ugly, it is a crime, and it happens in their community.
“Become aware, get information… speak out, use your influence and speak out. Say to the people in your community that domestic violence is wrong. Say that you do not support violence in any form. Say that you offer resources for survivors and perpetrators,” she said, while adding that the perpetrators must also be held accountable for their actions.
She encouraged the referral of survivors for therapy and urged that leaders understand that the issue is real, and it is happening, and they should speak out since they have so much influence.
“They are given so much power and they are given so much respect. They have a voice in the community and should use it against violence,” she posited.
While the current initiative is specifically targeted to the faith community, Boodie said any interested person can join the conversation. Boodie can be contacted via her Healthy Relationship Imperatives on Facebook.