If you’re a parent then you surely understand the struggles of sometimes having to deal with negative attitudes from your children, especially if they are older. You may even ask yourself if there’s something that you’re doing wrong. The answer is you’re not a bad parent—but there are certainly ways in which you can improve on your parenting that might nurture more positive attitudes from your children.
Here are some examples of negative attitudes that children may have:
● Saying they will perform a task, such as cleaning the dishes or sweeping the floor, but then not doing it
● Failing to pursue lofty ambitions with the persistence and practicality
● Failing to find or hold employment, or settling for underemployment
● Failing out of university early or giving up before completing it
● Involving themselves with, and settling for problematic (even abusive) significant others
● Exercising resourcefulness when getting drugs but not when it matters the most
● Expecting, rather than truly appreciating, their parents subsidising the cost of university tuition, an apartment, or car insurance
● Overly blaming society, or you, for their struggles even though you have been doing all you can to help them find their place
If we want to see a better attitude in our children, here’s a list of things we shouldn’t do:
● Injecting guilt: It’s one thing to ask how they would feel if they were in your shoes or someone else’s in a given situation but too often parents push this to the limit and try to make their children feel guilty because of their thoughts, feelings, or actions. Parents who use guilt to control their children run the risk of alienating them.
● Dwelling on past conflicts: Once a problem or conflict is resolved, or even amicably put aside, try not to throw it at them again without first allowing time and space. Parents who bring up and dwell on their children’s past mistakes are teaching them to hold grudges for long periods of time.
● Using biting sarcasm: You are using sarcasm if you say things you don’t mean and imply the opposite of what you’re saying through your tone of voice. An example would be saying something like, “Oh, aren’t you bright,” when your adult child makes a poor choice. The use of sarcasm hurts and becomes an obstacle for parents who are trying to communicate sincerely and effectively.
● Lecturing: Parents who intrusively tell their children how to solve their problems may lead children to believe that they have no control over their own lives. When parents jump in and give adult children a dissertation on how they should do things instead of letting them have some input into solutions for theoir own problems, they are lecturing. If anything, they will likely do the opposite of what you are trying to get them to do.
● Making threats: Threats are rarely effective. In fact, they often make children feel powerless and resentful. Threats also spark defiance, which leads to the further escalation of conflict.
● Denying their feelings. When they tell you how they feel, it’s important that you don’t make light of these feelings. If, for example, you think your child “shouldn’t” feel sad about a break-up, it is best not to say so. In this case, you will do better by saying something supportive, like, “I know you really valued your relationship. Break-ups can really feel painful.”
All of these parenting behaviors can negatively impact your relationship with your adult child. It’s easy to say, “I just won’t do that anymore” and still fall into the pattern of repeating these behaviours. Occasional slip ups may occur. When they do, address them with your child. But better yet, let’s focus on what you can do versus on what not to do:
Point out the positives and show support: Notice and build on “islands of motivation.” The more you look for instances of your child showing initiative, motivation, and persistence, the more you will see it. Try to find ways of complimenting your child for the positive things they are doing. Be their rock of motivation and inspiration when they start a new project. Let them know that you are proud and that they have your unconditional support. Never stop letting them know how proud you are.
Be calm and firm, not controlling: Your child will at times undoubtedly do things that rattle your nerves but the ultimate test is to breathe, try to be calm yet firm when giving your opinion, especially in the case of an older child. The more controlled the child feels, the less he or she will respond but if you speak in a way that lets them understand that you can see things from their perspective but that there may be other options, they are likely to listen and take your advice.
Alicia Roopnaraine is a Psychologist. You can send questions or comments to her at aliciaroopnaraine@gmail.com
