“I am extremely proud of myself for the woman I have become. I am married to a wonderful man. I own my business. I even help other young women in the aspect of abuse.”
The words of a sister who told me that she overcame years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of those closest to her. Today she tells her story anonymously, not so much for herself but surprisingly for her abusers. She notes that they all have families now and she does not want to destroy the lives they have built by publicly exposing them.
“Some people may not understand why I want to protect them, but I have forgiven them. I love my nieces and nephews and I don’t want to destroy them by… naming their fathers,” she told me.
She is an inspiration to many, and it was another sister who put us in contact so that she could share her past experiences, which are enough for a book and have been edited to fit this space.
“We basically grew up in poverty and that has been my driving force, because I know what poverty is and I don’t want people to feel what I went through so if I can help anyone I help,” she told me during our telephone conversation.
“My mother worked three jobs to make ends meet and that was still not adequate… She was out more than she was in and the boys had to take care of me,” she said.
There were four boys, and she was the only girl and the second-to-last child. Her oldest brother was the first to abuse her.
“I was about six or seven when the touching started… He said don’t tell mommy. He said if I told mommy she would get upset and people would come and take us away from her,” she shared.
“The touching continued and then the penetration started, it was really painful. I was so scared… It went on for quite a while and one time when he was raping me my second eldest brother came in and saw. He didn’t say anything. He left the room. The next day, he did the same thing. I don’t know if he sent my oldest brother in, but he came in right after and he raped me too. About a week after, my third eldest brother came in and saw my second eldest brother doing it. After that, my third eldest brother then decided to do it as well,” she revealed.
Her brothers were much older than her and as the rapes continued, she became withdrawn and her grades at school dropped.
“I eventually told my mom when I was about ten and she spoke my brothers. I could remember distinctly that they were sitting on the ground, she was sitting on the only bed in the house, and I was like trying to hide behind her because I was very fearful. She told them, ‘this is your sister you are not supposed to do this to her’. But it was very casual, it was not alarming to her. She just spoke to them.
“It made me feel that she knew what was happening but because of her situation she didn’t want to tell anyone because she knew that the police would be involved. I was very intelligent as a child and very observant, so I knew what she was doing. After that it was more intense. My eldest brother got really upset, he started to get …,” the sister said.
She recalled a particularly painful experience when she was taken to a farm along with her youngest brother. She was sodomised in the bushes and cried so much that her youngest brother asked what had happened and she lied and said she had a cut on her foot.
She started acting out in school and fighting. Her mother was of no help. She never knew her father.
Home to home
“I think she didn’t know what to do or where to get help or was fearful of what would have happened to her children. To deal with that she abandoned us. She left to go to another country,” the sister recalled. “I was left in the care of someone from the church. She didn’t even talk to the woman. I asked if I could stay there because I didn’t want to be left alone with the boys. My mother never used to communicate with this woman or anything while I was there. I was in my teenage years… these people had to deal with an angry and frustrated teenager, and they didn’t know why. My mother was not communicating, and they decided they couldn’t keep me anymore. I was placed with another person from the church.”
The sister was moved from home to home, and this saw her being physically abused and once sexually abused.
I asked if during that time she heard from her mother.
“She would call once and far. I had a cellular phone, but she would not talk to the people I was staying with, she would talk to me,” she answered.
I asked about her three older brothers as her fourth brother, who was younger than her, was placed in the care of his father’s relatives.
“I saw my brothers on the road but not in the same space…,” she said.
From primary school she gained entry into what was then known as a community high school and even though she was being bounced around a lot, when she wrote the third form examination she earned a place at a good secondary school.
“Even though I was being abused and moved around… I knew it was my education that would get me out and I started to push myself,” she said.
Eventually she started living with a relative of her mother’s during which time she was unwittingly involved in illegal activities. When she finally realized what was happening and indicated that she did not want to be involved, she was told she had to leave, but not before the relative attempted to rape her.
“I fight and I fight. I got tired and I give up and at that time he also gave up and he didn’t say anything… I was crying and went and took a long bath. I still take long baths today,” she said of the attempted rape.
While she was not thrown out, she had to get a retail job to pay for her CSEC subjects since the relative told her he was not paying.
“I wrote ten subjects and every day I am going home to this [relative] who said I can’t live there… I was crying so much I had to be wiping my tears off the exam paper. I was not confident…,” she said.
After a sympathetic teacher took her in, the results revealed that she had passed all ten subjects with three distinctions, four grade ones and three grade twos. She was encouraged to return to school and write five more subjects. The teacher paid and she was again successful.
As she chronicled her story, there were times when her voice shook, and it was obvious she was crying at some points.
Following her success, one of her brothers invited her to stay with him and his reputed wife in the city. Her brother was away a lot, she said, and she was abused by his wife who sometimes put her out of the house, and she had to sleep on the veranda.
She got a job and after some more struggles, which included taking over the care of her youngest brother because he was acting out and his relatives no longer wanted to keep him, she finally got a place of her own.
Deported
She was 20 when her mother was deported with just the clothes in her suitcase and moved in with her. She resented her mother.
“One day we got into an argument and I told her I hate you, hate the fact that you left, and you didn’t look back… She started to cry and said she knew she had done some stuff, that she had left to seek a better life for us. But she was deported, and she had nothing to show.
“I hated her. I resented that she was there and at that time I felt we would never have a mother and daughter relationship,” she said.
But over the years with the help of God, the sister said, she has healed.
“I love my mother to death. A day don’t pass without me talking to my mother. Now we talk about anything and everything and this is making me so happy that I am crying now,” she said as her voice broke.
“It really had to take God and healing. I found healing. My third eldest brother, he would come over for food and we would talk. He is my favourite, and you know he used to put a pillow over my face when he raped me and… I took that to [mean] him not wanting to do it,” she said.
“Now if there is a family matter they [her brothers] would call me. They never said sorry, but my eldest brother, he would call and check on me and ask me if I need anything. Now we can have a conversation and it would not be awkward. I had to learn to forgive them in order to move on for me.
“They have children and I love them dearly and I would go to the moon and back for them. It took a lot of strength for me to forgive my brothers and I love my nieces and nephews unconditionally.
“Now I go to youth groups and empower young people. I don’t share my story, but, you know, I give motivational speeches. Everything is not perfect in my life…and I work at a well-paying company. I don’t have it all together, but I am very proud of the woman I have become… It took a lot of strength and resilience to get to where I am and God, because at times I felt I was going to lose my mind.”
She advises parents to look out for their children and if they observe a sudden change in their behaviour to question and investigate because it means something is not right. She is always on the lookout for her nieces and nephews.
“I am on my guard for them. I formed a relationship with them…,” she said.
“I love my brothers. I love my mom and we have a relationship. I don’t want to go public because I want to protect them and I know people might see me as a fool, but that happened, they did that thing, and I am not the one to hold it against them forever. They have families and I don’t want to ruin their lives because I love them.”
We may not understand the approach this sister has taken, but it seems to be working for her. I wish her all the best.
